AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

Do you really thinks she lacks so much self-awareness that she has no idea already? Poor woman is already laughing at herself. Trust me, she knows. Why would she need you to "point it out"? She isn't stupid.

I don’t think OP needs to raise her weight as the issue, because in itself, it’s not the issue and neither is her appearance. OP is concerned about the effect on her health and I don’t think there’s any harm in approaching it from that angle, having seen her struggle at the sports day. I’ve been obese myself and the motivation to lose the weight was from my GP who took me aside and bluntly told me that the weight gain was having all sorts of knock on effects on my health and that I was going to be in severe difficulty if I didn’t lose it.

Not suggesting that such a blunt approach is necessarily the right one, but I don’t think it’s wrong to express concern.

She’s fully aware of her weight gain. What do you think your comment will add to the situation?

What on earth do you think the outcome of this intervention will be?

Do you seriously think for a second she isn't aware of how her body has changed or how unfit she is? If you are such a good friend then surely you have some inkling of any problems she is dealing with anyway.

Do not comment or offer support to lose weight or get fit unless she comments first and asks for your advice.

@emzybobz89

In actual fact, you don’t need to mention her weight directly OP. You saw her struggle at sports day so you could start with your concern over that, because that’s the crux of the matter isn’t ? It’s not her weight or her appearance that are the concern, but the knock on effects that the weight gain is clearly having.

@ThreadGuardDog I've been obese, morbidly so for a fair while, all my adult life and I have never had a friend raise my weight with me and offer me "support". Thankfully!

Come on OP, dont be disingenuous. You know it would shame her and embarrass her if you mentioned it, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked on here.
Faux concern for her health (as if she is magically oblivious to her weight gain!) seems to be a way for you to make her feel bad about herself.
Just because you’re not struggling with your weight does not make you superior to her.

I think I would approach it from a position of health. I couldn’t care less what someone looks like - but would have the concern from the health perspective. I would though weigh up if she was the type of person who is receptive to such a comment. I personally have a rule not to give an opinion unless it’s asked for. I don’t see this as any different to drinking too much/ taking drugs etc, but am aware that others may do and it is such a sensitive issue.

Good luck if you decide to say something.

Do you think she hasn't noticed... I can assure you she has.

Say nothing, if she at some point asks you for support provide it then.

But it's nothing to be ashamed about? Sometimes, an honest and gentle conversation can be the kickstart we need. I certainly do sometimes. I think we often want to avoid any negative feelings at all cost but it's sometimes necessary to work through those, rather than remain tight-lipped just because it's easier.

I went and re-read the posts before mine. Nobody said you would deliberately want to shame her and none of the comments make out as such either. Sorry.

But you do need to understand that just mentioning it at all will (probably) feel shame. I would add embarrassment and judgement into the mix as a possible reaction to you by mentioning it, no matter how you approach it. It's a sensitive topic and as everyone else said, she already knows. You won't achieve anything good whatsoever by bringing it up.

I’ve actually only come across this mindset on MN. IRL IME it’s entirely normal to express the fact that you are worried about someone close to you and offer support if it’s done in the right way. OP isn’t criticising her friends’ appearance - she’s witnessed her struggling and is concerned for her health, and has been perfectly clear on that. Doesn’t stop the rude responses though.

@Dontwanttobeahelicopter not saying anything about her weight isn't the same thing as encouraging an unhealthy lifestyle.

I found it helpful when my good friend pointed out my weight gain to me because I hadn't realised just how much weight I had put on. It turns out I had a medical issue, and I was grateful to my friend for prompting me to do something about it.

You won’t be telling her something she doesn’t know. You won’t be telling her for her. Your comment won’t immediately click a plan of action into place.

Of course she said she wasn’t 20 anymore! She wasn’t going to come along and say “oh well, I forgot I was fat!”

Just leave her weight alone!

It’s not about taking offence, it is about making her feel shame. It’s a different thing altogether.

It is a good job you asked, as no one appears to think it’s a great idea. Not saying you’d do this but I’m dubious of the “I’m just worried about you” line. It’s as if it gives someone carte blanche to give unwarranted advice.

Mentioning it at all is shaming her!

Do you honestly think you'd be telling her something she doesn't already know OP?

She knows exactly what is happening to her own body, and unhelpful friends 'concern' about her weight won't be received well, so just don't.

If and when she raises the subject again could you kindly offer support in a weight loss/improve health regime? We aren’t all super fit and as slim as we would like and perhaps a bit of encouragement to rework her diet and maybe some power walking together might just give her the moral support she needs.

I think this post says more about you than it does OP.

Say that you’re thinking of getting fitter/joining a spin class etc and would she like to come with you so it’s support for each of you and you can chat/catch up before and afterwards

You think she doesn’t know? What would it achieve saying something? Mind your beeswax

How can you be completely torn between not wanting to upset her and having a totally unnecessary and awkward conversation that will result in nothing but hurt and bad feeling?

Honestly.