AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

But do you actually think expressing concern will help?

Have you ever been overweight/ obese?

Shaming people won't cure the obesity epidemic.

Sadly no, saying something will not help.

I have brilliant friends who are vastly overweight. It is having a negative effect on their ability to live the lives they deserve. However the underlying causes of the weight gain are having an even bigger effect and make loosing weight very, very difficult. There is always an underlying cause, weather you can see it or not, weather they are aware of it or not, nobody 'chooses' to overeat themselves into poor health.

Nope. No. No and no. Deal with your own feelings, you don't need to involve her. Absolutely no.

Fat people know that they are fat. they see it every time they walk past a mirror, every time they buy clothes, every time they bend over to pick stuff up, every time they have to chase their child.

what they dont need is a thin person telling them so or offering advice on how to lose weight. 99.9% of the population are intelligent enough to understand its calories in vs calories out. if it were easy then so many people wouldnt be obese. but it isnt.

you have no idea of her internal monologue. what challenges is she facing you dont know about? menopause, depression, self esteem who knows.

but please dont be yet another thin person telling fatties like me that we are fat and that its "so simple" to do something about it because after almost 70 years of obesity I can tell you straight it really isnt easy anything but.

I’ve only ever seen it expressed like this on MN. Apparently it’s very rude to point out to someone that you love that you’re worried that their weight is affecting their health. Better to let them carry on undisturbed until they’ve wrecked their health and require hospital treatment than to risk offence. We’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic and to my mind, this kind of attitude has contributed to it.

@ThreadGuardDog I can appreciate that the OP is genuinely concerned about her friend's health and wellbeing. I can't understand why she would think that raising this with her friend would be helpful and supportive, as in, what does she think it would achieve that isn't already the case.

The only response to that on this thread, from other posters, is the idea that it would somehow motivate or shock her into action. From experience, and from existing research into this, that doesn't work for the large majority of people. Motivation to lose weight isn't the issue, it's having the mental capacity to diet long term successfully and having a home life that facilitates it rather than hinders it.

Yeah, if you feel that you must do something, make it about the activity, not about her. "I've seen a nice bike ride but don't want to go on my own, would you like to tag along?"

Ok I have a slightly different take on this which I think is where OP is coming from.

I have a friend whose weight changes a lot in both directions. I have known her for a long time and as such I know that this is a direct sign of her emotional health. If she gets very big very quickly, or very skinny very quickly, I don’t say anything - BUT I do use it as a cue to be more in touch, more supportive generally, more involved and try to help her through what’s happening that has invariably caused her to use food / restricting as a coping mechanism

So I would do that - she’s likely quite unhappy and / or dealing with stuff so whilst she obviously doesn’t need you to say anything about her weight, you can step up quietly as a friend to see if you can support her more generally

I feel like of late UK society in general - maybe it's social media but not just that - has been more and more fatphobic to the extent where being fat is the worst thing you can be and that it's a very simple phenomenon with a single cause. This is often thinly veiled as concern for people's health.

But if there were other things where you wouldn't comment on people's habits then don't do it with fat either. Would you tell your friend if she sat out in the sun too much without sunscreen? If you thought she drank too much? If she drove too fast? Ate too much salt or drank too much diet coke? Suppressed her anger too often? Probably not. But because you can see the effects of eating on her body you think you definitely know what is causing it and also that might be your place to say something because it is so bad you would be remiss not to.

It is not your place. You are her friend. Love her for who she is without trying to change her even if you think you can.

If you are aware it could cause her shame and embarrassment and are considering doing it anyway it's faux concern. It'll make her feel shit and you feel like you've 'done something'. You're not going to do anything except make her want to reach for something comforting to eat.

@ThreadGuardDog
so do you think her friend has not realised she has gained weight?

You can ask her how she is doing without mentioning her weight.

She is very likely aware that she has gained weight, she propably knows she's unfit. There is no way to mention someone's weight without it sounding like you are calling them a fat and ugly cunt. Wether they take offence depends on the individual.

That being said, If you have a genuine concern and feel the benefits of you talking the her outweighs the risks then it might be worth it. But that depends on the person, how much she has gained weight and what type of relationship you have and if youre willing to let it go.

I know exactly what it was.

Who's rule is it. ?

You think she's 'probably' aware of her weight?

OP, this is MN. It was only ever going to be a matter of time before someone accused you of ‘faux concern’ It’s beyond some posters’ comprehension that you could genuinely be concerned about someone close to you, enough to want to intervene, because you’ve witnessed them struggling with weight related difficulties, and don’t want to see them drop dead from a heart attack or stroke. Much better to let them carry on undisturbed until they fuck up their health completely because it would be ‘rude’ to indicate that you’re worried about them.

It wasn't serious! Parody more like

As someone who has been overweight, I was always aware of that fact and had a certain amount of guilt about it. If a friend had told me they were worried about me, I would have felt even worse. I think it would be best to wait until she wants to do something about it to offer support.

I think generally making time for her for one to one time to open up to you and see how she’s really feeling

maybe she is in an abusive relationship or very stresssd and the weight gain is linked to this., and these think are linked. The photos of me with a fat chubby face when I was with my ex are unrecognizable to me now!

She’s very aware she’s put on weight and won’t need any helpful comments.
yabu

@ThreadGuardDog ah, I guess the OP can try that and see how well it goes down. I would have been very upset if a friend had said they were concerned about my health in this sort of situation, and I would have definitely withdrawn from the friendship to some degree as a result.

Some people respond to blunt shaming and judgement, other people it has the opposite result. Personally, motivation to lose the weight was not the issue, I was desperate to lose it but never was able to, for any sustained period of time. I could lose some weight for a while, but always regained it and more on top. A very common cycle once you are overweight/obese.

Only if the overweight friend approaches the subject first. To offer out of the blue is the same as pointing out they are fat.

I'm sure if you were to offer practical help like having her children for two hours three times a week so she could go to the gym she would leap on it. Otherwise keep your opinions to yourself. Pointing out to someone they are fat has never made anyone thinner.

Obviously don't say anything! Do you usually have this little social awareness?

This is about you and your feelings, and those feelings are your responsibility to manage.

You shouldn't be saying anything to her, however you frame it.