AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

Don’t say anything. Every fat person knows they are fat, they don’t need to be told. If they decide to lose weight it will be their choice, it needs to be. When I was fat I knew it, someone pointing it out would have made me feel awful.

I'm going against the grain and think so many people need some tough love. i was one of those people.
I cant imagine getting offended by someone who cares about me being concerned, especially when they are right!

@BauhausOfEliott you have worded what I was trying to say perfectly.

I think that’s very accurate. My large friend rarely mentions her weight (and I never would) but will say she’s not in the right head space at that time. I understand what she means and I’ve never been more than about 2 stone overweight, but I still need to be in the right head space to lose it.

How exactly do you think sharing your 'concerns' will help? Do you really believe she's unaware? All it will do is make her feel shit. That's why it's not actual concern about her because she'll be super aware and sensitive and you will do more harm than good. It might make you feel better at her expense though.

No. Just don’t say anything. You will shame her, whether you mean to or not.

I get that your concern is genuine, but I think you need to understand that your desire to express and resolve your concern isn't more important than your friend's bodily autonomy or feelings.

It's possible to be genuinely concerned while also being patronising and insensitive.

Your assumption is that your friend's body is your business simply because you happen to be concerned. It isn't. Your feelings of discomfort around your friend's weight still don't make it OK to poke your beak into something so incredibly personal to her as her own body.

It's really patronising that you assume she might need your help and input. She's a grown woman. She knows she has gained weight because she lives and moves in that body every day and she knows what clothes sizes she has to buy. She knows that there are things that she could do about it, too, because she's an adult and presumably not an idiot. But for whatever reason, she is either unable or unwilling or simply unbothered right now, and that is a decision she has every right to make.

You seem to think 'Hey friend, you seem a bit fat and wheezy' is going to come as a massive revelation to her. Why on earth do you imagine that? What makes you think you're special enough to be her saviour?

Why would you think it would be appropriate to mention her weight! How rude! She knows how she looks/weighs!

I put on 4 stone after having my youngest. Actually I put on 3 stone during pregnancy and then another afterwards. Anyone mentioning that would have forever earned my ire!

I lost the weight when I wanted to. Got back to original size quite quickly once I decided to tackle it, but it took me 5 years to feel mentally prepared to lose the weight. When I was back to a size 8, I mentioned to a work friend in a jokey way that I’d jogged up the stairs and wasn’t out of breath. She replied “oh yes, me and T (our boss) were wondering when you’d lose the weight. He was worried something was wrong”. I can’t fucking believe they had been talking about how I looked, which was none of their fucking business 😠

So keep your opinions and pity to yourself.

Yes. Very overweight, to the point where my GP intervened because she could see the start of severe weight related problems. If it hadn’t been for that intervention I probably wouldn’t have lost the weight and it would be a different story. I’m not advocating that such a brutal approach works for everyone, but given that we have an obesity epidemic in this country it seems counter productive to just let it happen for fear of causing offence.

She knows she’s put on weight. She’s aware she’s struggling. It won’t help, don’t do it.

She already knows. What do you hope to achieve?

She knows she's fat and unfit.

I read this at first thinking "this could be about me" until the sports day bit.

My weight gain was as a result of stopping very unhealthy yo-yo dieting and behaviours that were not good for my mental health.

I am in a much better place now. I've had people ask if I'm pregnant (yes, many people, fun fucking times) to which I'll say "no, I'm just fat". I do still walk daily, jog, lift weights, I eat a decent balanced diet low in upfs. I'm perimenopausal, short and chubby, this is what I'm blessed with. I've put on at least 3 stone in recent years and my kids are far too old for it to have anything to do with "baby weight", get lost, I was at my fittest after our youngest. I was at my thinnest as a teen surviving on cucumber and cereal bars, being congratulated on my body. Now it's a place for people to write concerned posts on mumsnet? FFS.

Your mate knows, maybe she cares, maybe she doesn't. Maybe you saying "hey hun I'm really worried about how fat and unfit you are" won't land super well either way.

"I'm not trying to be mean but..." "I'm not being judgemental but..." "I'm saying this because I care..." - it is mean and it is judgemental.

Maybe if it was your mother and you had that sort of relationship, but telling a friend, who no doubt has more than just OP in her life, isn’t going to have the positive effect you think it will.

God please don’t! I’m your friend in this scenario and I would feel so patronised if someone did this with me. Just let her take the lead, if she wants to talk about anything you can create the space for her to do so, I.e by spending time with her one on one and asking general questions about how’s life, but don’t try to take the lead on that particular subject.

I don’t think this is true of OP. She’s seen her friend gain weight and hasn’t said anything so far - she has accepted her and loves her for who she is. And on the surface her friends’ weight and appearance are none of her business.

Clearly that changed for OP when she witnessed first hand, her friend struggling at the sports day as a result of that weight gain. It’s nothing to do with her appearance, and everything to do with concern for her health. But the go to on MN seems to be ‘faux concern’ in order to point out to her friend that she’s fat.

I get your concern but don’t. It will trash your friendship. It’s a bit like being the messenger on affair situation. She won’t be grateful at all

more likely humiliated and angry.

What do you think could be achieved from saying something? Considering that is usually a good way to decide if you should say something. She's your friend so you will know best.
I can't imagine many situations where something positive would be achieved. I think someone would need to have some cognitive issues to not recognise that they are overweight, the risks of being overweight and the options available to lose weight. So in the vast majority of cases, saying something would likely cause the person embarrassment and potentially impact the friendship without achieving anything positive.

I dont see any benefit of commenting on her weight. She must know she has gained weight and it has negative impact on health.

If you are concerned weight gain is a sign of problems elsewhere I would make space for her to talk about any problems and offer advice or practical help. However as a best friend I expect you would already know if there was something else going on.

The poster was being sarcastic. They weren’t actually advising OP do that.

Jesus Christ op, she’s not a child- of course she knows she’s fat, what do you think bringing it up is going to achieve??

I’ve put weight on over the last few years - trust me I know and definitely don’t need anyone reminding me.

I’ve also just about to go on HRT and at the beginning of the year slipped two discs in my back.

I go to the gym, I eat well and I’m still fat. I’m unfit as I can’t do a lot of the exercises due to my back (physio is helping)

I’ve now sold a lot of my old clothes as it’s tough with a load of size 12 staring at you. It’s hard to feel my so called baggy jeans now being tight.

I don’t need reminding by a friend - the mirror, my clothes and my body is telling me.

So why would you even think about doing it, knowing you'd shame and embarrass her?

She knows. Please don't.

Why don't you suggest you both work on your fitness together? You could aim for a parkrun or something.