AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

No...say nothing. You'll only cause strain in the relationship. She knows, and she doesn't need you saying anything.

If you're close I think it's ok to ask if she's alright as she'd seemed to really struggle. Don't mention the weight, she might be ill.

You need to listen. Listen to her properly. Be non judgemental and don’t give advice. She will be aware. She will know what to do. It’s not a lack of awareness or information. What she needs from you is empathy and understanding about her and her life generally.

The relationship people have with food, weight and their body can be hugely complex as is the development of carrying extra weight. There is NO simple solution and there are no magic words that you can say that will change that complexity quickly.

just be a really good friend.

Of course I knew I was overweight, l’m not stupid. And clearly the concern of other people did help me because l received the support I needed to lose the weight.

The question you haven't answered is, what are you going to say? You've said what you're not going to say, but you haven't articulated how you're going to put this across and as a fat person, I can't imagine a way this would be put to me that wouldn't severely upset me, and make me distance myself from the person saying it.

Even if what you are going to say is, i'm worried about your health, she knows that absolutely no doubt she knows that her weight is affecting her health. So what response do you hope to gain from whatever you say? Do you think she thinks you havent noticed? Perhaps if you expand on your thoughts a bit more and see them through to a logical conclusion, you'll realise there's no way to do this

The OP isn't a GP. Big difference.

It would be worrying because alongside smoking and air pollution, it’s in the top five risk factors to health globally.

YANBU to be “sad and worried”.

You would be unreasonable to say anything though. You will just make her feel worse and risk alienating her. It’s not your job to be responsible for her health just because you’re personally uncomfortable with her current size and level of fitness.

I think, if you are close, it’s okay to ask her if she’s struggling and is there anything you can do to help. Is she unhappy? Is she unwell? Is it perimenopause? That is, talk about causes, not symptoms. But if you aren’t close enough that you’d talk about those kinds of things, don’t talk about it at all.

Fgs. Don't. She knows already.

Sad and worried? Why?

She gained weight she clearly knows about since she will own a mirror and have to buy clothes for herself. She is entitled to weigh whatever she likes and if she wanted your input, she would ask for it.

Being overweight and being unfit are two different things but often people conflate the two (even though at times the two can go hand in hand) I have been very overweight even though I don't eat much (turns out I have way too much sodium in my diet) but I was relatively fit. I walked a lot and had quite a lot of energy but then I got very sick and lost over half my body weight and had to have open heart surgery to save my life. Now I weigh much less than what I used to but my fitness levels have dropped considerably. I can manage a 1-2 hour walk every few days but it leaves me exhausted. Maybe your friend has some things going on with her health that you're unaware of?

Unless you're friend is eating far more than she usually does there is most likely a reason why she has gained weigh such as menopause, thyroid issues etc. The best thing you can do for her is nothing but keep being her friend. The worst thing you can do for her is bring it up as she, may not want to talk about it. She is an adult just like you and is more than capable of bringing up any issues she may be having with her weight.

Goodness gracious, if we care about our friends then we do something when we are worried for them (but yes, please decide whether you are being performative or not first though!) . Doing nothing and saying nothing wears the same face as not caring - so it’s essentially the same thing.

OP you sound lovely - your post doesn’t sound performative at all to me. If it’s someone you genuinely care about then do something. It doesn’t have to be the full on ‘you’ve got fat mate what’s going on’ - but you can create those moments when your friend might be more likely to open up to you and talk to you.
See if she is up for a walk, something routine that gets her moving (honestly, even a shopping session for a ‘special outfit’) - or something that gives her a chance to talk to you in confidence.
Just letting a buddy know we are there for them, by actually being there doing Normal stuff, can help her even if something is going on that she doesn’t want to talk about (or hasn’t processed enough herself to be able to talk about).

I don’t know why the ‘don’t even talk about it’ nonsense is normalized, that leads to superficial relationships that flake at the first hint of reality. But there is always the element of ‘am I doing this because I feel like I am better than X, or is it coming from a place of empathy…’ - it isn’t nice to feel that someone is using our vulnerable moment to get an ego boost… so do tread carefully.

Not one single person who is over weight needs it pointed out

not one

you do sound pitying and judgemental

why not go up to people who are smoking or drinking and tell them they are not being healthy ?

IF she mentions it you can ofter to go to weight watchers for join a class together but one word outta your mouth and id never want to hang out with you again

You have had some odd responses on this thread. We are very sensitive about weight in this country and it does sound as if you only have your friends best interest at heart.
But I agree with others, no comment will be well received. I would maybe suggest a walk together. It’s not an unusual suggestion in this nice weather.If she brings up her weight or fitness herself you could ask if she is ok, but I would focus on feelings rather than size.

Yeah I didn't mean that it was faux concern in the OP's case though I may not have expressed that clearly. She might feel sad that her friend can't do something she used to do. She thinks she knows why (she can see she's fat). Still not her place to say it, just her place to love her friend. Current culture has convinced her it's OK to say it because it's fat and not something else that is the (apparent) cause.

She wouldn’t have joined the race if she was aware of her fitness levels.

Ask her to join you for a walk a few times a week if you want to encourage her

A GP is a bit different to a friend though. Would you have listened to a friend in the same way as your doctor?

It sounds to me like you genuinely care for this friend and have genuine concerns for her health and I believe you created this post from a good place. But I agree with others that you shouldn't say anything. When you're fat you're so aware that you're fat and other people mentioning your fatness can make you feel anything from irritated to embarrassed to devastated to furious. But rarely a positive emotion. Just continue to be a kind friend and if she decides to open up to you about her health you can start a conversation there. But it should be initiated by her.

I’m sure she’s aware of her size and fitness levels. You shouldn’t say anything at all to her. If she decides she wants your help or advice she’ll ask you.

There is a colossal difference between a qualified medical professional intervening because she can see the start of severe health issues, and a friend intervening because she thinks you've got a bit porky and saw you struggle to run a race.

One is the informed professional opinion of someone for whom diagnosing and curing their patients' health issues is literally their job.

The other is an unqualified friend making assumptions without the full picture and having vague 'concerns'.

They are not the same thing. The former is appropriate. The latter isn't.

YANBU. I absolutely get you and I would’ve probably said something myself by now - for me it’s like telling a friend she’s overdoing the booze or not sleeping enough, or telling you husband you need him around for a long time and he should consider healthier ways…

However, reading the other replies makes me realise, in this time and place, weight gain has become too much of a taboo subject and it will cause damage to the friendship.

@ThreadGuardDog did you really need a GP to tell you that you were obese? Did it not occur to you to lose weight before they said? I doubt it.

People don’t struggle to lose weight because they don’t know they’re fat and unfit. Motivation isn’t the issue, it’s having the capacity to manage to diet for a long time successfully and being in an environment that helps rather than hinders that’s the issue for the vast majority of obese people.

Other peoples concern doesn’t help with any of that.