AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

She knows how overweight she is and doesn't need you to tell her. I had a friend I hadn't seen face to face in a while and when I saw her I could have cried. She'd put on a lot of weight and totally let herself go, she looked like she was really struggling. I didn't say a word, not one comment. She eventually went on a healthy eating regime and lost all the excess weight, it wasn't easy but she persevered. She later told me that a "well meaning" friend had sat her down and told her how worried she was about her and that it wasn't normal that she'd let herself get into such a state. This person didn't know that my friend was in the early stages of losing weight and her words caused her to feel so low about herself that she nearly gave up and binged, she felt so ashamed and depressed that someone felt they had to give her a talking to. The only thing I ever said to my friend when she confided she was trying to be healthy and lose some weight, was words of encouragement. Do not say anything to your friend, it could have the opposite effect and make her feel even worse about herself.

Likely not denial at all – much more likely to be embarrassment deflection. She's hardly going to start announcing her weight issues in front of parents at sports day.

I voted YABU OP because she didn't manage to finish the little school mum's race. If she didn't know she was very over weight and it was impacting her mobility before then she surely did after that.

I don't think you bringing it up is going to help her in anyway, it's not anything she doesn't already know. There's nothing you can do about this, it's her choice to make and hers alone. Just be there to support her if she decides she wants to lose weight.

I’m so sorry for your loss and your struggles @SapphireSteel28. And I agree, that’s no way to treat a friend, no matter how concerned you are for them - it’s fat shaming in the worst possible way without even a nod to what you were going through at the time.

I voted YANBU but seem to be an outlier! Maybe a middle ground could be suggesting exercising together? I've taken up dancing in middle age and love it! Or you could suggest swimming, couch to 5k, hiking... Her comment about not being 20 anymore rings denial bells for me - a 50-year-old should be able to run a short distance without too much difficulty, barring relevant injuries.

I don't think your concerns don't seem genuine. You've clearly given thought to whether or not speaking to her about it is the right thing to do. And I don't necessarily see that as any different to noticing any sort of worrying change in a friend – reclusive behaviour, sadness/crying/anxiety, physical pain or discomfort. In any of those scenarios, it wouldn't be unreasonable to say 'hey, are you OK?' and let her know you are there to talk if she wants.

We can't ignore, however, that there is a shame and stigma around weight gain, and no matter how well-meaning you might like to come across, you absolutely cannot rule out the risk that she will be offended and hurt by you bringing it up.

When people have gained a significant amount of weight, and because of this innate shame and stigma, I think what people most want to feel is that their loved ones don't think of them any differently, that they still love them and feel attracted to them (in the case of a partner), and that their worth has not decreased.

For those reasons, I think the better approach is to treat her exactly the same as you always have – and that includes not mentioning her weight. She will undoubtedly be fully aware.

This desire to tell her says more about you then her. Pause and think - are you jealous of her? Is she wealthier than you? More educated? Her children performing better? Her marriage happier? Have a proper think and it will help you to get to the bottom of this strange desire.

Do you really think she doesn’t already know anything you could say?

Say nothing.

If I was your friend and you messaged me like that I'd tell you to fuck off and mind your own business. You wouldn't be my friend much longer

Couldn't agree more. Who needs a patronising arsehole for a friend?
I'd be absolutely bloody furious.

Why oh why do people without a weight problem seem to live under the delusion that people who do are oblivious to it and it needs pointing out to them? It's so patronising. Excuse me friend I don't know if you've noticed but you have put on a bit of weight? Funnily enough yes I did notice my clothes don't fit any more and I can't touch my toes but I am so glad you pointed that out. If you hadn't I might not have realised. Now that you have, I will stop eating and start running. 🙄

In my experience, piling on weight is not a choice and is usually linked to emotional distress (whether or not the person is even aware).
I would absolutely not say anything at all about her weight. She herself needs to be in the right headspace to begin dealing with it, that’s not something you can force upon her no matter how kind your intentions.
However what you could do is enquire about other areas of her life, is there anywhere she’s struggling? Mental health? Others putting too much pressure on her etc.

@BauhausOfEliott got it spot on. "I get that your concern is genuine, but I think you need to understand that your desire to express and resolve your concern isn't more important than your friend's bodily autonomy or feelings." Perfectly put. 👏

Please don't say anything OP. Think how this will pan out. You say something that you believe will be 'kind', 'sensitive', 'understanding', 'helpful', 'caring' (delete were appropriate), but your friend will just hear 'you've put on so much weight that it was noticeable how uncomfortable you were at sports day and you need to do something about it'.

Honestly, do you really think saying something, no matter how kindly meant, will mean your friend suddenly decides to lose weight, just because you've said she's fat (in whatever, 'nice' way you try and do it)?! That she doesn't know already?! Trust me, she knows!

If you wish to maintain your friendship, keep schtum (and maybe lose the judgement). She knows full well if she is unhappy/unhealthy with her size/shape; she won't need a friend imparting their concerns on her.

I am the fat friend. Yes I know I am fat.
Weight loss is a very complex. It isn't solved by going for a few walks or doing a few exercise classes.
I was diagnosed with cancer in February and have had 12 cycles of chemo. Ive had diarrhea every single day and significant loss of appetite. Ive lost 6 pounds. Which Ive started to put back on with new medication.

I look at my skinny friends who drink alcohol and have regular take a ways, do very little exercuse and despair that Ive got cancer and still can't lose any significant weight.

She's fat, she knows.

Fucking hell. Just mind your own business. I think she's noticed her own weight.

That’s what friends thought about me. I was being psychologically abused. Food is a comfort and a regulatory behaviour. I’d turn to sugar to regulate me after an upsetting or scary encounter. Nothing like it to settle your fight flight system. I never put on lots of weight and my BMI is within a healthy range but I’m a stone heavier than my normal weight.

Listen with empathy. No judgement. No attempts at solutions.

@ThreadGuardDog I wonder if you are aware that you are the exception rather than the rule. It's also great that you had other people who were able to offer meaningful support to enable you to lose the weight and to keep it off long term.

In your OP you sound really patronising. I have piled weight on in recent years and if any of my friends saw fit to talk to me about I would be livid and would cut them out of my life.

As a fat woman (clue’s in the name, right) I cannot express how baffled I’d be if my friends started talking to me about the global obesity crisis.

My friend’s approach has always been if you’re happy, you’re happy. If you’re not, how can we help. Which is exactly what I’d expect as a true friend.

I am currently losing weight, and my friends have been very supportive of my choice to do that, but they would have never encouraged it before, and when I told them I was happy in the big body I was in, they were gracious enough to be accepting of that. They’re similarly accepting of me now not being.

I honestly can’t understand why anyone would comment on another person’s fitness/weight/lifestyle or anything like that. She’s an adult, not a child. You’re (supposed to be!) her friend, not her parent.

I have friends who are fat, who smoke or drink too much, never exercise etc. Never in a million years would it occur to me to comment on such things out of ‘concern’. That’s not being a friend; it’s being controlling.

😂

If someone I thought of as a friend said something like that to me, then that would be the end of our friendship

Not really. The sentiment is the same. Nothing to do with the actual weight. Nothing to do with her friends’ appearance, but concern about the effects of the weight gain on her health, having seen her struggling first hand.

@emzybobz89 It's very easy to gradually gain weight over a number of years as you have described that she has. Overeating is much easier than deliberately undereating and women in particular can use food as a way of self soothing as it doesn't impact on anyone else in the way that drinking or other things can. There doesn't have to be some specific cause, other than the general stress and busyness of being a parent, working, other responsibilities etc etc. Then, unfortunately, once you are obese it becomes very much harder to lose the weight as your body does not want you to deliberately under eat for any length of time.

Do not say anything. Your friend knows.

A « friend » did this to me. My DH was dying young of pancreatic cancer, my DD had anorexia and my DF had heart failure. I put on a huge amount of weight as food was a comfort. She showed me a terrible photo of myself on a rare night out looking huge. I’ll never forget the shame I felt. I knew and didn’t need to be told.

I lost the weight and the friendship.

I would be worried that something awful had happened to her and she'd not told me. If she's always been slim and is now obese, has she had a health issue or a personal issue that's caused her to put weight on or overeat? I'd maybe make more of an effort to let her know I'm there for her. She already knows she's overweight though.