AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

That is actually how being a friend works. Accepting people for who they are, being there if they ask for help, not projecting an air of superiority. That’s friendship. Pretending you are just worried about their health when in fact you just don’t like that they have gained weight, is not friendship.

like she is not going to see through that

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

@emzybobz89 weight is incredibly complex for many many people and not anywhere near as simple as having a conversation. You have no clue what may be going on in her life and she may not tell you even if you are friends.

Love your friend, be a listening ear, spend time together and do NOT under any circumstances comment about her weight or have a sneaky conversation that will only make her feel worse because she will know what you are really trying to say. Leave her alone. Accept her as she is and cheer her on for any accomplishment she makes whether it be health or other areas of her life.

I think the only way you can really raise it without causing offence is to ask her to join you in an activity.. Walking, aerobics, zumba, spin class, whatever. Say you've seen an advert for X nearby and you'd like to try it but you're nervous to go on your own and would she please come with you.

She can "worry" while keeping her fat trap shut. She has no help to offer and her interference has not been requested.

She knows. She doesn't need you to tell her. What do you think you saying that you have noticed she has gained a lot of weight, lost fitness and mobility and are sad about the impact on her health will do? What would be so special about your words that they would do what living her life hasn't done and inspire a change?

People are giving the OP a hard time. I understand her. As I am getting older, I see many friends and family members getting larger.

There is an overweight/obseity problem in the family. I know that in the decades between 50 and 70 that they will have significant health problems cause by lifestyle. Weight is the reflection of lifestyle. While at a societal level overweight is considered unattractive, it is actually very damaging internally.

One family member is on heart pressure tablets at 50. They could replace the pub with exercise a couple of times a week. Swap the UPFs snacks for home cooked food. Small but important changes. Another one has had a life changing operation. Certainly made worse by poor lifestyle choices (and yes, very overweight).

I never say anything. I'm scared, uncomfortable and don't want to be accused of being superior. But I am watching them on a slow descent into a variety of noninfectious illnesses connected to lifestyle and aging. I hate myself for being such a coward, because I very much care for them and their children.

I realise how emotionally difficult being overweight is. But it is sad that it is considered to be a better friend to not mention rather coming from a place of concern.

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

As a concerned friend you should be able to raise it. It is a legitimate concern, the way talking to someone about alcohol or drug addiction would be. However, as you can see from the many wildly over-defensive responses you have got here it is probably a no-go.

It is quite frankly presumptuous and extremely irritating behaviour. Her friend being out of breath at a school sports day is not a reason for sadness. I would be sorely tempted to tell a friend to mind their own business. No doubt she knows she is unfit and over weight. How will someone else pointing this out change anything?

This is straight out groundless and mean. Why wouldn’t the op worry about her friend? Don’t most people care about their friends? I have an old friend in perhaps similar health and I do think about it, in terms of concern about her health as we grows older, I don’t give a shit what she looks like. I know the factors making it hard for her to change although she’d like very much to be fitter and it’s difficult to fix them.

This is straight out groundless and mean. Why wouldn’t the op worry about her friend? Don’t most people care about their friends? I have an old friend in perhaps similar health and I do think about it, in terms of concern about her health as we grows older, I don’t give a shit what she looks like. I know the factors making it hard for her to change although she’d like very much to be fitter and it’s difficult to fix them.