AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

It's because, as someone who is chubby/fat, if a friend said "I'm concerned about your physical fitness and size because I love you" even without saying "you're fat and it scares me" that's exactly what I'd be reading between the lines.

You've come to mumsnet and asked how it would go down if you brought your concerns up and you've been told it'd go down like a cup of cold sick. I'm sure you are lovely and funny and bright and a good friend but if you want to have an intervention after a puffed out mums race where she appeared to be in good spirits and happy to join in I'd take a moment and think "ah yes, this is none of my business, she knows".

People on MN can be very sensitive to the idea of anyone telling anyone else they're overweight, even in cases where it's impacting their health and there might be an element of denial.

It's strange because if you were talking about a friend who had started smoking and struggled to run from being so out of breath posters would probably be fine with you bringing up your concern with her.

If you've never been fat you may not understand how horrible it is to get comments at all. There is no way anyone could phrase anything well of have helped me. I have list all the weight now but if anyone had been 'helpful' it probably would have delayed my decision if anything as I'd have been so upset.

I would assume you hit a nerve.

you have not with me, but as said, do not do this, as a friend you’d be enquiring on how she is anyway, asking the questions you wish to ask is insensitive and embarassing for her. I’m gobsmacked you think it’s ok to ask if things are physically harder for her now, if you can’t see the shaming and passive aggression in that then you are right to seek advice.

shes married, you know she’s finding it physically harder, you saw it. What good would asking her to confirm it do. If she wished to discuss it with you she would. She does not. Let it go, this is not your place.

Oh, because that's Mumsnet, OP – it's a nasty old place no matter what your question is!

'if she needs it' is your key wording there. Let her allow you to let you know if she needs it.

For this to make sense, it has to follow that a friend commenting on your weight is a known boost to motivation and/or realisation, however we know (with a fair amount of certainty) that it is not.

Yes – all well and good to justify OP's motivations, but not to justify actually saying something. You've heard from a plethora of people here who have been in a similar situation, on the end of the overweight person, and not one response has indicated that the conversation and been either useful or positive.

No. It won’t be helpful or well received.
She knows that she is overweight.

Trying to invite her to sign up for a race with you or some kind of sport event with the excuse of doing something nice together could work. You could train for it together and that would help her. But absolutely DO NOT mention her weight/fitness is any way because as everyone here is saying: she knows about it.

I doubt very much that she would have joined the parents race on sports day if she was truly aware of her size and fitness levels - she would have anticipated her embarrassment and avoided it like the plague.

Ok but that fact that she struggled to run and publicly acknowledged that fact means that she’s not in denial. Even if sports day was her lightbulb moment, she knows.

Everyone is saying she knows she is fat. But the fact that she voluntarily joined a public race that she surely must have known she could not finish, and could have embarrassed her kids, implies she does not actually understand the extent to which this is debilitating for her. Perhaps that will be a moment of realisation for her. I'd provide support if she raises that with you in the form of "how to get your head around living healthily if it doesn't come naturally to you" or "how to understand where you're going wrong" (which I don't think is easy for one second for overweight people - there are many ways to over consume calories, many hidden). But I wouldn't raise it until she flags that she's good and ready to talk about it.

I think this is the point that some posters are missing. The OP will know. She doesn't need it pointed out. She will either act on it or not.

Saying something to your family members wouldn’t change anything though.

Those people know they’re overweight. They know it is causing health issues or will in future.

If losing weight was as simple as someone pointing it out then obesity issues wouldn’t exist.

Or could it be that after witnessing her friend struggling at the sports day it’s dawned on OP that it’s having an effect on her health and she doesn't want to see someone she loves have a stroke or a heart attack, or some other catastrophic event because she was too scared of causing ‘offence’ to express concern ?

Could you do a jog/exercise class yourself and tell her how unfit you felt, you don’t want to go back on your own, thinking about trying some walking to get your stamina up first before trying again, could she join you as it’s so boring etc… it’s not about her weight, you are not making a big deal out of her fitness, but it gives her an opening to mention it as it has come up more naturally in conversation.
Maybe she would actually love to do something and get fitter/ have the motivation to get out but doesn’t know how to broach it with anyone. Then it’s her doing you the favour?

I don’t understand what you would be hoping to achieve by bringing it up. If she was looking for support she would bring it up herself presumably. OP do not raise this with your friend and only offer support if she broaches it first. Otherwise you are likely to offend.

I know it could be just this and no denial, but I'm sure you have known of people who are in denial about how bad things have gotten for them in whatever situation they are in. I have certainly observed it in others many times, and I have I'm sure done it myself without realising too. She may think that she is a little heavier than she used to be without fully grasping the stark change in a short space of time. It's hard to be objective about yourself.

All my life I have yo yo dieted so have gained and lost weight, I've had well meaning people tell me that I have put weight on and believe me its really hurtful to hear makes you feel like rubbish no matter how nicely its put, so please don't say anything she will be well aware.

What do you think it would achieve and how do you think that will come across? She could be struggling for all sorts of reasons you are not aware of.

If I was your friend, I would find it mortifying, distressing, patronising and humiliating if my friend pointed out my weight gain, which I would be well aware of thanks to living in my own body, even if this was dressed up as concern.

If I were you OP, I’d be turning my focus inwards. What feelings are really going on for you? It seems unlikely it’s just concern. Is it discomfort with the your friend’s weight or what she is doing to herself, in your view? Is it some internalised messages about weight from your own upbringing? Is it, if you are brutally honest, a slight feeling of superiority? I think our generation of women is so entrenched in complex attitudes around weight. Sometimes it’s worth looking at ourselves before making judgements (even if they feel rooted in kindness) about others.

But why would anyone ask those questions unless their friend appeared to be ‘struggling’ or was ‘unhappy’ or ‘unwell’? The friend doesn’t seem to have indicated that she is suffering with any of these afflictions. Asking such questions, out of the blue and with no basis, would seem a bit strange.

Yes it is concerning but dont say anything.
Im the same as her.
I put on about 3 stone over the last 10 years.
I know this because I weigh myself and my old clothes wouldn't fit.
I know it's not healthy and I plan to lose it.........sometime, which in all honesty will probably be never.
I just love my food too much and I hate exercising

💐

Yeah, right. I you find something better to engage your brain during the long school holidays - are you going to big school next year or are you still in primary ?