AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

So the only reason you could show concern would be a selfish reason? You can’t just care about an alcoholic’s health? You would only say something if their drinking affected you? That’s interesting.

Do you think she's not noticed or she assumed all of her clothes have shrunk in the wash and her bathroom scales broke?

I just think that if she wanted to discuss it with you, she would.

My friend put on a huge amount of weight over 4 or 5 years due to stresses in her life. She went from a size 8 to a size 20! It got her down and she did mention it to me and ask what I thought about WLI’s. I told her I had no idea about them but more than happy to deep dive and do some research for her if she wanted. I pulled loads of info from MN and other places and she started taking MJ via Boots. It has been brilliant for her and she is much happier as a result.

However, I would never, ever have been the one to raise it. It has to come from her.

As a person who has struggled with my weight since being a teenager, I would be devastated if one of my friends ever had a word with me about my weight. It would seriously make me rethink my friendship with them, and I'd probably leave right after the conversation and go home and cry, probably for the rest of the day/week/month.

Overweight people know they're overweight, and they all have very different reasons why, some, like mine, are very personal and I've only ever told 2 people the whole reasoning behind it.

What size are we talking about here? Were you both an 8 and she’s gone up to a 14 or something?

But absolutely no - do not mention it as it will crush her and she’ll never forgive you. My grandfather once commented on my excess pounds at a young, impressionable age and I never forgave him for upsetting me so much.

I wouldn’t say anything beyond how it affected me.

Alcohol changes personalities and behaviour. I would say if that was an issue. I wouldn’t leave my children around a drunk person, or spend time with them in their company.

But obesity isn’t personality changing, and it doesn’t present risk to anyone outside of the individual. It doesn’t present risk to me, or my family, so I would exercise some “minding my own.”

The two things aren’t comparable.

Do you think you will be telling her something she doesn't know? She absolutely does not need to have this situation brought to her attention by you.

I never said OP was concerned with her friend's appearance – health impacts or appearance aside, weight-related issues are a cause of social shame and stigma. Your GP is not part of your social life – your GP is there to be logical, unbiased, practical and objective in a way a social system isn't.

There is no eradicating the high risk of very hurt feelings here, so it 100% isn't worth doing this to a friendship.

I think it depends on how close you are.
I’m your friend. I know I’m fat. My best friend would never raise it but when I have raised wanting to do something about my fitness, she offers to come walking with me or start couch to 5k with me. She tries to encourage me but she doesn’t nag when I stop doing it. I found doing couch to 5k very difficult and hated every second I was doing it. Never completed it. I think if she’d have nagged me I would have withdrawn from her and ruined the friendship.
If you’re not extremely close, just don’t say anything. Believe me, she already knows.

I don’t think I’m being hysterical? You said you can’t talk to someone about something that is “fuck all to do with you”. So OP’s concern about a close friend’s health could easily be compared to if she was drinking too much, which would be equally “fuck all to do with her” but she might have similar concerns.

Who said you can’t be bothered by their health.

why do posters do that, it’s the most ridiculous thing. Don’t get the answer you like, get hysterical and think of the most extreme case and pretend you think thays what was written,

No, definitely do not bring it up.

She knows. By bringing it up you are implying she is too stupid to work this out herself.

If she wants to talk it through with you she will bring it up herself.

So you’re not allowed to be bothered about your best friend’s health? Would you honestly say the same thing if she was drinking to excess?

Not one person says use your words about something thays fuck all to do with you.

You can’t bring it up because she knows that she’s fat. How could she possibly not know? Often people can become fat when they have kids because they put themselves absolutely last.

can you see that nothing good can come from you saying you’re concerned? There is nothing you can do to help her, so mentioning it will only make her feel worse.

she might have laughed off the incident, but feel really bleak behind closed doors.

don’t say anything

Because weight is a very different issue to not being able to say no to babysitting your next door neighbour’s kids or spending £2k on your sister’s hen do.

@WhyCantISayFork that’s probably because they’re different things with different causes, different outcomes, different social pressures etc etc.

It’s none of my business if someone eats too much/too little, smokes, drinks to excess etc

It’s their life

Tbf, this is the only reason I would think it’s not a good idea. Because this might have already served as a wake up call.

Funny how people on MN are all “use your words!” about anything and everything a poster says about their friends or family, until it’s about weight. Then for some reason, they absolutely always already know and don’t need to be told.

For some reason on MN, this is how the reaction always goes to anyone suggesting they might gently enquire about someone’s health if they are overweight.

I’ve never seen the same one-sided landslide of opinions directed at someone that might mention they think their partner’s or their child’s alcohol consumption is dangerously unhealthy.

Fuck me that's a massive no.

Why do you feel the need to tell her what she is acutely aware of?
I’ve been really heavy before and trust me, it was all I could think about!

That's not the case at all. People reach out to their friends/family as their first step all the time. Reaching out herself if not the only way she'll know. She can wait to see if her friend brings it up herself.

I don’t think I could.

A similar thing happened in DH’s friendship group. One of them was always big but slowly piled the weight on over the years. He really did get very huge. A few of them sat down and said they were worried about him and his health and wanted to tell him but didn’t know how well it would be received. They left it until a few weeks later when one of them blurted it out.

He was glad as he said he knew he’d put on weight but not how much as once you’re big you stop noticing how big you are (he was over 30 stone by this point). He’s lost over 7 stone now and looks really well.

I remember at the time thinking that wouldn’t have been received the same way if I’d have said that to one of my friends. It’s easier for men to laugh things off. There’s no way she doesn’t know she’s big and as much as I would be worried about my friend I don’t think I could bring myself to do it not knowing how well it would be received. I would wait until she brought it up herself, if ever.

I mean it's the parents race. She probably entered because it's a joke race that's fun for your kids to see and she's a good sport. Or do you think it's just for top athletes? Good on her I say. I'm fat and I know I need to loose weight. It's tricky for various reasons at the moment. At the moment I'm just getting on with life without loads of angst about it.