AIBU to think my SIL's influence will fade without my in-laws?

I've got a sort of similar family situation, whereby I've married into an absolutely toxic one. My mother-in-law conducts all her spiteful behaviour behind my back though and my sister in law helps uphold the family image.
I'm out of the family now for calling out the behaviour, along with my child (her grandchild).
This has actually come as a bit of a relief, they can no longer make me feel inadequate and I don't have to listen to the stories and play along with the rhetoric anymore.
I wonder what the sister will do when the parents are gone? She will find herself quite lonely if you all cut her off for her horrible behaviour.
I stayed quiet a lot, but got to the point where I could see the dynamics. My husband does not though.
What does your husband say, I suspect this is perhaps "just the way they are" to him. But that excuses horrible behaviour that you should not tolerate. The important thing is that he is united with you and that your family together is prioritised (something my husband could not do).
I'd ask your husband to call out the comments she makes, if they are unchallenged when aired, it gives her the impression that it will be tolerated. She is thriving on the power of knowing that what she says will be accepted. Life is too short for that rubbish!

Exactly, so what if they don't like you, how much time and energy are you devoting to them?

hat’s the sad thing, we could’ve been great friends.

why do you think that, what have you got in common with her other than you married her brother?

Your female relatives are your history, your ties, presumably from your family that you have shared goals, upbringing etc

My SIL is nice enough but other than the fact I am married to her brother we have nothing and I repeat nothing in common

Just don't engage - simple

Love the expression Head Elephant. I know just what you mean. Agree that it will die out eventually.

Does your husband support you when they say awful things to you?
Why does he still want to be in touch with them if they treat his wife like shit?
If I were you, I’d stop attending any of these occasions entirely and tell husband if he wants to go he must do so on his own as you need to protect yourself and your peace.

Absolutely this. Life’s too short to stuff a mushroom as they say, and this toxic bunch seem to have a never ending supply of Paxo !! I’d be waving the whole scenario a cheery goodbye and handing over all future interactions with them to DH - they’re his family, let him deal with them.

I find in life if helps if you lower your expectations then you are never disappointed. Expect s’n’l to act like a twat so when she does it’s expected. The only way she can bother you is if you give her your ‘power’ ie let her bother you. Grey rock her no power to her then.

Once I was threatened with "we will get the whole family to not speak to you.

My response to that would have been ‘bring it on’.

Something similar in my extended family. Spoilt youngest child indulged due to being parents favourite. When they died everyone just stopped seeing her, she was rude to people, as she always had been, but with no parental backing people just ignored her. She is now estranged from her family and I would imagine she’s lonely, she has no people skills as she never needed to develop them so she has few friends. I don’t know how she’s getting on because I never see her and don’t engage with conversations about her. It’s sad really.

Let them turn on you.
Any family and person (family or otherwise) who makes you feel awful after visiting them is not worth spending time with, ever.

You don't have to get involved. Leave everything for your husband to deal with, including going on visits. Perhaps when he hears his own flesh and blood launch into you when you're not there he may understand why you've taken a back seat. Honestly, one life and all that, it's too short to be drawn into the drama.

Just don't spend any time with any of them!

This is what happened in my In laws family. When MIL died the SIL knew the gig was up and at the morning of her funeral she blew up and roared and shouted at everyone when she didnt get her own way. It was the last contact we had with her.

Incidentally after everything she did for my MIL, every manipulation she endured, her mother gave her home to her grandson. She was devastated and fell out with him also. She now drinks in local bars 5 nights a week crying that she cant see her nephews. And yet she hasnt done 1 solitary thing to resolve the situation. She actually a pitiful sad person. The wheel has turned and hit her in the face.

Sounds as though they’ve never matured further than the playground, judging by the amount of drama they create from nothing. I wouldn’t waste time and energy engaging with it - life’s too short. In actual fact OP it’s you who has all the power here. If they’re as awful as you describe I don’t imagine you care what they think of you, so why not step right back and let your DH handle them ? Grey rock is the answer. They’re making it plain that they don’t consider you, or anyone else who has ‘married in’ to be family so why continue to try to be familial with them ?

And yes, to answer your question, I think once PiL have popped their clogs the wind will be taken right out of her sails.

Next opportunity to go against her wishes do it..
What's the worst she can do?
Ignore you. Bloody fab !

Just avoid SIL. My dad didn't get on with or like my mum's brother, he was civil to him if he saw him but didn't go with my mum when she went over to see him.

I don’t want to cause my DH upset so I’ve held back

Does your DH want you to accompany him to these get-togethers? Does he ask, or is it just assumed that you will be going? Does he want you there to give him some support?
What would happen if you told him you were giving it a miss and he should go by himself if he wants to see them?

I think if you firmly give her a mouthful of home truths the problem of needing to be in contact with her will magically vanish!

I certainly wouldn’t be going to their family gatherings

I think the power is given by the parents in that dynamic, but it also dies with the parent. The sister just doesn’t see it yet. She will experience it from the moment her mother passes in the future.

It is so utterly draining being on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour. As you’ve found yourself you can tweak the edges of it by not going along with it but it still impacts people around them.

You’re right it will just fade out once pil pass. I know it will in my case because dh doesnt want any contact with his sister once they are no longer with us. He’s had a whole life of begging for crumbs while Sil gets everything on the plate. She thinks she will be the one organising meet ups, Christmas, birthdays etc but she will find no one turns up. Dh other sibling moved away and hardly comes anyway (lucky thing lol). I don’t go to much, I like fil so turn up to his things. My now adult dc don’t bother. They were pushed aside for the favourite grandkids and dh let that happen, didn’t address it, it caused a big problem in our marriage but I decided to just step back with my dc and leave them to it. There’s still some resentment between me and dh as he runs himself ragged caring for pil now that they are frail. I’ll never understand why he does it. But I love him enough to support him by keeping my gob shut lol.

just step back op. Leave them to it. Enjoy the peace.

YANBU My Mother in law was like this. We were very low contact due to the exhaustion of the constant drama. It didn't help that there were hundreds of miles between us. If there had been an upset we tended to just withdraw. I was quite sad at her funeral about the wasted years and what might have been. I spent ten of them trying to appease her and then then the last ten or so leaving DH to arrange sporadic contact so that they could see Ds. She was absent from, or ruined every happy event and turned the attention onto herself, by having huge tantrums. There were no immediate family members at our son's christening and nobody attend Dh's first wedding.

As for SIL, it has been strictly no contact since I had Ds and I have no qualms about her not being part of our lives. I can recommend low or no contact for a peaceful life.

Just don't engage with the nonsense. MIL/SIL only have power if you agree to be part of the dynamic. I agree with the Grey Rock technique as a useful tool (though as I'm ADHD I just laugh and ask who died and made them queen small q )

Apparently my Uncle (married to my eldest aunt) decided he was head of the family after my mother's father died, years before I was born. When I decided to head off to London to study at a centre of excellence in the subject, the uncle had a meeting with my parents, without me knowing. He TOLD them to not allow it. That if I had to study I should do it more locally.

My parents laughed and told him to tell me himself, if he dared. They weren't keen on 19yo me going to a city but knew my mind was made up, and that was the end of any discussions, or pretence that he was in charge of the whole family.

Just don’t go to any meet ups, let DH go and deal with them, she is going to slag you off either way.

She is probably bitter and jealous of everyone around her and the only control she has is over her parents, and they are the only people who probably give her any validation. Its quite sad really.

so its like the one the family bows to even if its omg