AIBU to think my SIL's influence will fade without my in-laws?

Why are you even in the same room as them? FIL despises you? Why do you still see him. I presume that your DH wants to see them. If so, you should just stay at home or go out if he invites them to your house.

They are all pathetic bullies with no real power. If you challenged them, what could they do?

I thought that matriarchs usually had children and grandchildren that they would control. Your SIL is single so who is she controlling? Once your PILs die, she will be very isolated. Make sure that your DH doesn't feel that he needs to support her and invite her to your home.

You havent really spoke about your DH much and what he thinks. I'm guessing he just lets his family treat you like shit then eh.

Am I the only one who thinks this matriarch thing is as pathetic as the patriarchy?
You're not animals in a herd. No one person should be in charge.
And being married/having children does not make one woman better than another.

Stop seeing them. If you DH wants to see them, that's up to him. They sound utterly toxic and your DH should have put a stop to this years ago.

I don't know why you are bothering with your MIL and FIL. She has lost her power due to advanced old age, but she has always been a horrible bitch to you. Cut her off as well as your pathetic SIL.

How exhausting. I hate that some people just accept these dramas as part of life, I've seen it with references to teenage girls at school "you know what girls are like, they're all little bitches to each other". Erm, no, my friends and I at school all liked each other and shared jokes and ideas and dreams and lifted each other up and we're still friends doing the same now.

I know the kind of women you mean, I know some in my community and amongst school mums, but they're not people I choose to spend time with so it must be hard when they're family. One woman was always involved in a drama or not speaking to someone or other. I had sympathy at first but then I realised that she was a massive stirrer, making misery and drama in everyone else's lives. I think it was an attention seeking thing.

I'd say to engage with them as little as possible. It sounds like you have plenty of other positive relationships in your life.

I'd also be really clear about when their behaviour is uncomfortable or bullying.

"I feel uncomfortable talking about (insert name) like that, she's always been lovely to me" or "this feels like quite a mean conversation".

Maybe the SIL needs it spelling out to her "I think your mum maybe pushed away some good people in her life by being pretty domineering, I'd be really sad to see you do that too" but I don't know, there's probably a better way!

In my life I try to kill it with kindness and re-direction. They start bitching "oh, I don't know her well enough to comment, did you see The Traitors last night?" or "hahaha, well we're all grown ups so I'm sure we can all make our decisions about that, do you want a cup of tea?"

why be prepared to put up with it now?

Yeah, sounds like a reward!

“PIL would not speak to DH and I for ages if we upset her. This is why we do not rock the boat.”

Let them!

She will only have power if other people allow her to. So unkind comments, ignore or call her out, summons or directions- no sorry can do that, expectations on time or involvement- same. If people ignore her she becomes small.

what’s the point in going to these meets?

Oh who cares if she is the elected spokesperson of a bunch of gimps. It just means that she’s the biggest gimp.

I could have written your post, right down to the BIL in Australia.

SIL was always the golden child; DH’s role was to support her & MIL in their lives of indolence. Now MIL has gone, DH has completely disengaged with SIL - as indeed has her own son.

DH & I instigate nothing.

It will pass Op, in meantime, as others have suggested, just drop the rope. Volunteer nothing, live your own life.

A Matriach needs to be recognised as such to have any power.

I agree.

You are aware of the situation. You can predict the dynamic and the behaviours - that will occur each time that are intended to hurt, insult and disrespect you.

You are giving her a stage, an audience and a willing victim for her to discharge her wrath.

You have agency.

You need to take yourself out of punching distance.

Do not be in their company. Don’t waste your words just be busy.

Would you tell your DCs that they are obligated to walk into the lions den every day to be mailed by the school bully?

You have agency here.

The hard part is coming to terms with what you allowed your younger self to endure. I had similar family dynamics and always went as I was always hopeful that they would be nice and I was subconsciously seeking approval and validation from them - until I had therapy where I learned that approval and validation comes from within and I needed to give it to myself and not seek it externally and certainly not from toxic sources.

I just stopped going. No explanation. Just faded away. I am sure they were then delighted to have DH all to themselves. Win Win. Also this time was helpful for DH to see what cznts his family were up close because before I was always the distraction.

I left it too late - 5 years before MIL died when I was 50 - I had been exposed to their hostility, sneering, put downs since the age of 15 and never said a word to them. I have compassion for my weaker self walking into that abuse for decades. No one missed me not going, was never asked where I was. Great outcome all round.

Threatened that the whole family wont speak to you???

Is this not the exact situation for the classic
"Don't threaten me with a good time"

I have a SIL exactly the same. I haven't seen or spoken to her in 2 years and it's been bliss. I got to the point where I'd had enough, so I have completely disengaged from her. Try it. It's freedom and she has no power over me anymore.

Where is your DH in this? How does he respond when they are rude to you?

I wouldn't engage with these horrible people, maybe develop 'migraines' so you can't attend family get togethers.

Stop going to things where she's there. If you can't or won't do that, be more of a cunt than she is. Make it objectively harder to stand up to you than to her.

Result ! To me that would be as good as winning the lottery.😀

Just avoid her. It can’t be that difficult.

OP sorry what does she actually say to you directly? I’m early 50s and would definitely tell family to knock it off if they were being rude/barking demands

You have been too passive Op and definitely so has your DH. When they threatened you (getting everyone to stop talking to you), you should have called them out as bullies and very noisily and vocally said that until they apologise to you, they would not see you again. Then you and DH walk out.
Then if they don't apologise, there's no more drama in your life.

WTA?? Keep them on side for money? H could grovel and lick their arses if that's they said it took for him to gain from their wills. But in the event they have left their money to a charity supporting a species of endangered cockroaches.
Why would anyone lower themselves to grovel and be subjected to abuse them and their partner /kids for money?
People who do this have bigger problems to deal with and I wouldn't tolerated it if my h had wanted to stay attached to his toxic family, because they were vile to him and me.

She has power in that you keep turning up and listening to her.

You say you dont want to upset DH - but he is happy for you and others to be abused?

You're handing her power

H cut all contact with his siblings because of this shit. Life is good as a result they could be dead, noone would tell us nor would we care.

The only reason for your DH to keep them onside is so they don't write him and his brother out of the will. Saying SIL is their favourite would worry me on that score. Step back, let him deal and perhaps he should make subtle enquiries. Has SIL had any input to their finances etc?