AIBU to think my SIL's influence will fade without my in-laws?

My mother in law was an abusive bully who turned it on me once. I told her how out of order she was being and my partner stood up for me. She’s now nice as anything. She hardly sees me but I like it that way now.Try telling these people to wind their neck in. Often no one has stood up to them.

You say that now you're in your 50s you're "not putting up with it" but here you are asking for tips

So, my post is really to ask for tips for dealing with my SIL moving forward.

what tips would you need if you aren't going to put up with it.

just get really busy doing your own things in your own life and create healthy distance. Then you won't have to give it any thought.

Tell DH that he is welcome to stay in contact with his parents without you if he wants to carry on seeing them. When they've died surely there is no reason to have anything whatsoever to do with SIL ever again?

I would love love love someone to call them out, even nicely, the way some people do on mn, so I know in real life this doesn’t happen but for someone to just say something chilled like ‘is there a reason you have to be so mean? Are you ok?’ or even better’you having an ok day hun?’ Just … something!!

Regardless of the horrible behaviour, it is unlikely she would become the matriarch of the family. It tends to be that the generation below splits into smaller families and build their own networks and routines. That's the way of the world once a set of grandparents pass away.

If she has behaved this way then she has not set herself up to be a welcome member of any new family set up.

When systems are toxic, often someone simply takes the place of someone else filling a particular role. So I think she will just fill your MIL's role after she dies. You can just choose to go low contact though and leave DH to it.

She literally sits there and is rude because she knows that if I say anything back her parents will defend her to the death and then turn on me. They have done that in the past when I pulled her up.

And? So what?
You are just as responsible for enabling this. Just step away? If your DH wants to stay in touch let him.
Why would you put yourself through all of this and spend time with people who hate you? WHY??

Sorry just read that you tow the line as not to upset your DH! Wtf? He should be telling you that you don't need to be involved with his family as they hurt you. What kind of DH just sits and watches this play out? Fair enough he is happy to be the family doormat but handing you over as a whipping girl is not what a good DH does.
Just get them told!

YABU to carry on playing these games. Why do spend any time with her? Who is she controlling and how? You're not obliged to spend any time with her or do what she says.

Once your PILs have died, surely there'll be absolutely no reason for you to see her? Will your DH want to? I can't imagine why he would.

Can you really not see that you are a cog in this @DecadesLongSaga ?

Just drop the rope. Change phone numbers, block everyone and never see any of them again.

Moving to Australia was the most sensible move in any of this.

Remaining on contact with these muppets in insanity in it's own right.

You are giving them power by engaging with it. Just stop attending, stop communicating. You can’t be the matriarch of a family unit that doesn’t exist. Leave the trio of PIL and SIL to bitch amongst themselves.

Every time I read one of your update posts explaining what they do i find myself shrugging.

Find your shrug.

Imagine the liberation that would come from not having to socialise with nasty people who see the worst in everything and are trying to hurt you.

If you were to make a list of ways to spend your time, would they make the top 1000?

But you know all of this and yet you're doing it anyway - so what's the blocker? What's the "but" in your head?

What is this incessant desire to live in troupes? Why? Can't you live alone with you DH and family? Why even interact with them? Are you Italians in the early 1920s in Calabria? Why all this nonsense?

Actually very common for larger families to have this sort of hierarchy thing. Especially Catholic families. It's quite practical on some levels, but your MIL and SIL sound awful.

Another saying “just stop” if the only threat they’ve got is to stop the rest of the family speaking to you, why do you care if people you don’t enjoy spending time with don’t contact you?

You need to stop and consider your part in ensuring this fucked up dynamic has continued so long.

Try a device and conquer- be busy next big lunch meet up date. Then call MIL and suggest she and FIL come to you one night next week to make up for missing it. You don’t have to do big meet up with SIL as well, if they decline, you’ve offered. Suggest DH takes FIL out for a father son meet up. Essentially only do family on your terms. Not all of them, not you always the guest, be the host sometimes.

accept you don’t have the in laws you would like, stop going along with this nonsense.

Im quite excited for you @DecadesLongSaga(user name is also very telling) - if you take even a crumb of action from the unanimous agreement on this thread - then you are in for a delicious and satisfying experience of LC/NC. No need to announce anything (even to your DH if you don’t want to right now) - just detach in your head, put in the distance, keep dignified and fill the gap from the toxic onslaught with anything that brings your peace and pleasure. Honestly it’s a wonderful place to be.

I'd just stop going to the lunches. They sound horrible. Let your husband go on his own if he wants.

Once I was threatened with "we will get the whole family to not speak to you".

Sounds like a win to me!

You do not have to put up with it now either. Your kids will see the disrespect shown to your husband and you and that is a line that should never be crossed.

I’m sorry that they are treating you this way. I understand how this feels. Since my mil died we’ve realised how toxic my fil is. It took 2 years for his true personality to come out and he engineers awkward meet ups with lots of shouting and slagging off of anyone not present.

I ended up making a decision, one that was healthy for me and my children. We decided to stop giving him our power by not going anymore. I left it to my husband to go alone if he could. A year later he too decided not to attend anymore as these meet ups left him feeling angry as small snide digs were aimed at me and the children. We no longer see him and husband pops in once every 2 months for an hour to check on him.

Fil has fallen out with another son for the exact same reasons, who came to our home to tell us what he’s been saying about us (out of revenge). I replied that I didn’t care and didn’t want to know. He seemed shocked that I knew and wasn’t aware we’d fallen out! I explained that we never see him and missed his birthday parties because we don’t like him. But it’s not my style to scream and argue as my energy and peace of mind is precious to me. He seemed devastated that we didn’t care because he wasn’t able to do the same thing!

So don’t give them your power! Stop going to events and meals. Send your husband alone! If they ask where you are, he can reply at another event/meal! Eventually he will stop going and it will only be mil and sil left. That will be no fun for them as there is no one to slag off!!! Take back your power 🔥

I don't know why you see them at all? You don't have to. I would just tell your DH he can go to see them if he wants to. Take yourself out of the equation. Concentrate on spending time with people who are nice. Simple 🤷‍♀️

Any power that she has comes from the fact that you appear to care. About what they think of you and how they portray you in the family. If you can get to a position where you know it’s all nonsense and you don’t actually care, then they’ve got nothing to hold over you.

I wouldn’t visit people who treated me like that though. If your DH feels he needs to stay close for his elderly parents’ sake then he can get on with it, but you don’t need anything to do with them. Once your PIL have gone I expect you’ll have nothing to do with SIL anyway.

Incidentally, my DH wouldn’t tolerate anyone from his family insulting me even once, let alone over a long time. Another reason they say these things is because they know he won’t tell them where to go when they do. I’d be having long overdue words with him too!

I'd start practicing that "get to f@ck" now. On your PILs and on your DH, if he is pressuring you to spend time with these people who have been so rude and hostile to you.

Otherwise, the spell will never be broken, and your DH will end up allowing himself to be bossed by his sister. Because she's alone, because she hasn't got anyone else. And because he is conditioned to obey.

Make sure it is your dance, not hers, and make sure he learns the steps right now.

Formatting and type edits

I suggest you do two things. One is for you and DH to invest your time and energy into your relationship with Aussie BIL & his family (if he has one). Inject snippets and side comments to DH about things that have been said, people are planning, etc. That will make her paranoid and showcase her isolation.
Second, take a notebook. When she is imperious, oblivious or rude, write it down. She will absolutely see what you’re doing and that will also drive her crackers. When she asks, just say that you’ve been writing a novel. She wither inside at the thought of the rest of the world seeing her through your eyes. Maybe mention Penelope Keith in “To the Manor Born”, but with no class or elegance.

Why on earth are you entertaining any of this nonsense??? So what if there's a falling out - you don't like any of them anyway! Stop seeing them and let your DH see his parents as and when he wants, but you don't need to lie down and let them wipe their feet on you. I'm both annoyed on your behalf and wishing you'd put an end to this abuse. She only has power if you give her power over you. Let them all go to hell. Life is very, very short.