AIBU to think my SIL's influence will fade without my in-laws?

You seem to like the drama of it all. A lot of people just wouldn't have bought into all this palava in the first place. Don't see her! They truly only have power over you if you allow it. You're saying after PILs pass you will start challenging her. What is the point of that, just disengage from it all now.

I would pitty your SIL. She's probably thinking she's ruling the roost now that your MIL is aging and this is the most important she has ever been in her life.

I think you're doing all you can do and you're right now - once the in-laws are gone she wont have anyone to validate her nonsense.

Until then I also suggest the grey rock method with her. I know it would of been nice if she would of done x y and z and you could of been more etc... but that will never be unless you agree to live by her rules and it does not sound like you want to.

She is going to be a complete nightmare when your in-laws eventually do pass. So be prepared for that.

They have form for saying they’ll change their will if someone doesn’t do as they’re told.

They might leave it all to SIL anyway as they don't like you!

Do you think you will detach / withdraw @DecadesLongSagaor just put up with it?

@DecadesLongSaga

You think SiL's 'influence' will fade when your iL's are gone? Nope. She is the anointed Queen-Bee-to-be, anointed by the Queen Bee herself, who is now slowly abdicating the throne. When iL's are gone, she will get even worse. I really don't think you're going to change that because it's 'favorable' to SiL. She gets what she wants, why should she give that up?

All you can do is 'refuse to cooperate' as it sounds like you're doing. But if you really want to get her goat, laugh at her. If she issues a 'royal command', laugh and say "Oh SiL, you know I'm not going to do that/be there" and keep repeating it. If she talks nasty about other family, roll your eyes, sigh, and get up and say "I think I'll go for a 'walk in the woods'" (that's my family code for "I'm not listening to you blather") and just leave the room. Let them threaten to get the family to 'gang up on you'. Would the family really do that? Or would it just be lip service to The Royal Family whilst secretly telling you they're out of line. And who knows, you may start an actual revolution! And if they do truly gang up on you, well, you haven't really lost much, have you, because they wouldn't really be 'family' at all in the real sense of the word.

As far as your DH, he's going to have to manage his own relationship with her and his family. And you need to let him, and help him if he asks, so long as it doesn't impact you or your children. That is where you are allowed to draw a hard line. And stick to it.

Yes her power will fade. Just go low contact in the meantime and concentrate on your relationship with your husband.

So you have tolerated this for decades because of your weak husband eho stands by and allows it?
Why would anything change.
Your poor children, exposed to such toxicity.
What a legacy.
Them watching their parents being insulted and humiliated.

Madness to have remained around it.

I can't imagine why he sees his parents tbh.

Certainly no idea why Op doesn't leave him to it!

I agree with this, I just don't understand it. Why would you set yourself up to spend time with toxic people? They're not the boss of you, there's no law which states you have to attend lunches or other social gatherings with people you don't like. It doesn't matter who they are or who they think they are... there's NO power there, they have no right to order you to attend anything or put up with their behaviours. You don't have to, so why are you choosing to? If your husband chooses to, let him. You're all adults with agency. Consider how much happier you'll be without them in your life!

Your sil behaves like this because she was reared to think it was normal. You are right that she will run out of steam when her parents die. and luckily she doesn't have children that she reared in the same way/fucked up.

But you don't have to put up with being insulted, ignored or despised. No big drama just quiet quit. One time you'll have a prior commitment to lunch, another time you'll feel a little ill just before and won't show up etc etc. why go to meet people who don't like you and show you this? I doubt your dh needs the support. Just drop the rope.

She's said she doesn't want to alienate her PIL (or her DH doesn't). I wouldn't have anything to do with any of them, personally. Life is too short to put up with this kind of shit. But many posters choose to martyr themselves!

Why would you want any contact with them? I would cut them all out apart from the brothers & their wives. No need to put up with it any longer.

I agree that she will be isolated and irrelevant after her parents pass on. They all sound very soul destroying and mean spirited. I don't think you have anything to lose by stepping down to the very occasional meet up as this is so toxic for you. But yes it would seem to have a clear end point.

You’ve given them too much power already, you need to shut them down as quickly as possible every single time you’re faced with nasty or controlling comments. It’ll be hard the first few times but you’ll get used to it, and so will they.

You're enabling this by putting so much thought into it.

Yes, this is true.

My DPs father is like this… opinionated, rude, ungrateful and thinks he’s the boss of everyone ( he’s 91 btw, disabled, ex forces) He does the ridiculing that your SiL does, behind the family members backs, playing one off against the other. Drives me mad!

His wife is so lovely, sadly got a terminal illness so doesn’t notice a lot of it going on.
Ive found over the years, that to just not go to the events, get-together etc, is the best way. He actually ordered me to a “special” party😱 - that didn’t work! I informed DP that I was 60 years old, had brought up a family and was capable of thinking for myself, and I wouldn’t be ordered anywhere by a man who I was not related to in any form! He pestered DP about my absence so in the end DP told him what I’d said… he barely acknowledges me now🙄

Just don’t engage, don’t attend things if you don’t want to. Invent illnesses, do whatever you need to stay sane!🌺

The situation will change when the in laws die and you are right to think her influence will fade.

Be prepared for your husband to never really understand it from your POV however much he loves you. He was raised in that family system and so it is what he might think of as normal.

Her power battery doesn't have to work now , if you don't let it.

I would not spend another second in her company if I were you.

but why not do that now?

I find not spending time with people who actively despise me solves quite a few problems. Your DH can have a relationship with them independent of you. Why do you need to deal with her at all, just don't have contact. It really is that simple.

This is so simple.
Don't spend another minute with any of them.
If husband wants to, that's his choice.

You're right OP - once your PIL die you won't even have to see your SIL, let alone be subject to her ridiculous delusions of grandeur. How's she going to be 'the matriarch' anyway, when she doesn't have any DC? She will have zero role to fulfil once your MIL dies - and thank goodness for that! Any time she tries to organise things or boss you around you can tell her to get stuffed.

She can only be 'in charge' if you allow her to be. Same with PIL. They sound absolutely fucking horrible. How would you DH feel about going no contact? She can boss you around all she likes, bitch all she likes, but if you tell her to fuck off what's she gonna do about it???