AIBU to think my SIL's influence will fade without my in-laws?

What does your husband make of his relatives? Kind of lead by him if he wants to continue seeing his sister if parents aren't around. I would limit interactions.

You can choose not to see them. Leave your dh to it.
The only person who’s life she can continue to rule after her parents die is your dhs which will impact on you if it happens.

why bother having a relationship with such toxic people? Keep your distance and let DH deal with them.

life is too short

Surely when PiL go, you just all ignore her/don't see her? She's your dhs sister, but she has no kids to maintain a cousin/niece or nephew relationship with. I can understand dh and you wanting to support elderly parents, even if they're horrible, but a sister who is like this - just don't bother!? Why would you ever need to see or speak to her again? I don't mean dramatically cut her off, but just be too busy for any visits and dh can maintain a cordial but distant text/brief call relationship. Lots of siblings barely see each other, my brother and I get on but only catch up properly at christmas because we are all busy and live in different countries. Just don't have a relationship at all.

I dont understand why you agree to see them at all? Can you explain why your presence is necessary during these unpleasant encounters?

Hi Op Surely the whole family ignoring you is better than this toxic bullshit. You can always tell her to fuck off when it’s just the two off you, hey sis you can stop dictating to me or trying to boss me about I’m a grown woman so I won’t accept your constant bullshit. or you can stop going why go if you’re not happy if they bitch about others to you then they will bitch if your not there about you. Also you could really stir the shit by slipping the odd bitchy comment to whoever it’s about. If it was me I might be tempted tbh. But I’m not from toxic family.

When my parents died I realised I no longer had to speak or engage with my sister in law. I have not seen her since my father’s funeral in late 2024 when she inserted a speech into his funeral about how close they were. I don’t miss her and it is quite freeing.

Such a nice feeling at a funeral when you look over at someone and know that after this you'll probably never have to see them again.

Once your In-laws are gone your SIL will be alone except for your DH, if you don't want this stupid farce to go on Op then you need to make your DH see his DSis as she really is, if not, she'll just suck him in and you'll be stuck with her ever after. She'll be no one without him so she'll try very hard to keep him onside

This is my mother to a tee

I grew up hearing her slagging others off (and I know I was the target many times) and doing nasty things behind other people's backs but being nice to their faces

She's trained my brother to be the same and to take over once she's gone

One day,I'd had enough and walked away (god,that was scary) and found peace immediately

She tried the whole 'when I die,I won't leave you my money'

'I don't want it,I earn my own money'

'I won't leave you my jewellery'

'I have my own jewellery'

'I won't leave you your share of my house'

'I don't want it,id rather be homeless than take a penny of the house sale'

Shed lost her power and she knows it (to the point that if she saw me in the street,she'd either run away or look the other way and pray I don't walk over to her)

There is nothing she can say or do that will get to me,I refuse to hang around and feed her power and she cant cope-all she's got is her hangers on (who are waiting around for her to die)

It's very freeing

Well when your DPIL die you just…. Stop seeing her.

Until then, if she’s rude just pretend you haven’t heard her. ‘What’s that C? Repeat that? What did you say?’

That’s exactly my experience. These characters are contrary. You can’t win. Keep trying and twisting yourself into a pretzel to please them but they want to tension, power, toxicity. Some people have to push other people down just to keep their own fragile egos afloat. And it’s a very good point about the compounding impact of the micro aggressions over time. I once wrote a list titled ‘The Little Book of Cznt’ and the totality, pattern, persistence was hideous. The family are all under control by the threatened volatility.

Stop engaging you plonker !

hope you don’t allow your kids around her she sounds toxic

leave well alone

I think you're doing all you can do and you're right now - once the in-laws are gone she wont have anyone to validate her nonsense.

Similar with my family except it was my brother being the bully, with my mum backing him up, he was the golden child and between them could make life nasty. I kept him at arms length as much as I could, and once mum had died, the nonsense more or less stopped as he had no one validating him. He also knew I would cut him off in a heartbeat.

I kept him at arms length until 4yrs ago when he started being nasty about a relative’s family, when I fully cut him off.

Interestingly, in the last 6mths, he has started calling the relative that he cut off, she doesn’t understand why (but too nice to tell him where to go) - I have explained to her that he wants someone to validate him again and probably trying to drive a wedge between me and her.

Apparently he has emailed me too, but to an old email that I don’t read!

I am in full grey rock mode, happy to never see or contact him again. No loss to my life. These people only thrive if others play their silly games. As a poster up thread says They truly only have power over you if you allow it.

Oh and said brother tried his best to get mum to change her will, even threatening her. He didn’t succeed.

This sounds just like my sister. My mother was a matriarch and my sister thought she would control everyone's life and step into her shoes. I stopped speaking to her four years ago. Her son has now done the same.
She was nasty as a child and hasn't changed. We lost our younger brother but she couldn't even say good morning to me at his funeral. She's money obsessed, do you think that is what your SIL is banking on?

She is like a spoilt child who thinks that she can do and say what she wants because PIL will always take her side, even if she is in the wrong. PIL would not speak to DH and I for ages if we upset her. This is why we do not rock the boat.

@DecadesLongSaga Life is too short for this shit. Start rocking that damn boat.
Stop meeting up with them quite so often.
Don't be quiet.
Screw the "inheritance" they've probably signed it all over to her anyway.
Enjoy you SIL - free life.
🍹

This.

I don't see what the issue is. If they're horrible to you just don't see them. Your DH can see them as much as he wants to, but you don't have to be there.
Presumably your children are old enough to make up their own minds as well.

Try this sentence
" fuck off everybody, cheerio!"

You are very much speaking the way I did in my 30s except it was my father in law who was the domineering bully. I used to wonder how to best interact and if I did A would he do B and how could I make things least painful for us all. Now I'm in my 50s, I know that there is no happy way of interacting with people like this, and they are simply best avoided and ignored as much as possible.
Don't waste a second more of your life than you have to, interacting with them or thinking about them, because it's a misery inducing thankless task and they will never change.

Just disengage, let your DH go to their meet ups. You go not have to participate in any of this. You don't have to listen to the nonsense. The microagressions add up and have impact. Ignore. I totally get you when you say you can't tolerate it anymore. It's like a switch is flipped around age 50, it's the 'off' switch. If you are not kind, nice, respectful and for women then it's a 'no'. I have only seen MIL and SIL once this year and she moved 5 mins away. You can do this. Just make sure you treat them with the kindness and respect they should be showing others.

Is there an inheritance issue here? Is your DH worried that PIL will leave everything to the awful SIL if you dont placate?

I think you’re already doing the best you can.
Grey rocking them, despite it being hard, I get that!
Warning your dh re inheritance and that no ne knows what their wills are.
And keeping contact to with other relatives WITHOUT THEM

I feel the last one is essential.
Youre right the big family gatherings are likely to stop once PIL die. They might even stop when one of them dies (whoever it is).
But it doesn’t mean that the family as a whole has disappeared. Carry on being in contact with the others!

Im not sure there’s anything else you can do.
Of course you can chose to have no contact with them at all. But it might be quite hard on your dh.
How does he feel about it all? Because staying inline out of fear you’re going to be cut off sounds an unhealthy reason to start with. But I also get that they are his parents.

She’s afraid she’ll have no family without her parents. Effectively your husband will join your family. Her brother is in Australia. She has no children, no husband’s family. The only role she can see is as matriarch keeping her brothers family in her orbit.

It’s your husband that you need to think about- what relationship does he want with her? No one can make you socialise with her, or include her.

For God sake, just go NC. Why are you waiting for a death in the family? You didn't choose SIL, she just came as a wider package in the background and that's where she needs to stay. I have practically nothing to do with one SIL and I actually quite like her. If this side of the family is really that bad you opt out and stay out.

I understand why you keep contact with them and it’s likely SIL’s power will die off after PIL’s do.
its hard to keep the peace but I know you and DH has come so far time-wise there is little point upending the in-laws this late in the game.
Limit your engagements with them and see the meetings as necessary (until such time as after the funerals) but emotionally protect yourself in some way to get by. If they stop speaking to you, let it be. That behaviour is not worth the hassle, even if you’re putting up with it for now.