AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

I don’t think you forgot - your subconscious withheld this deeply personal, vulnerable and visceral experience from your parents to protect your inner child.

I have known very posh families who effectively relate to each other through formal small talk. I think it can be quite hard to take in how very very repressed and inexpressive English families of a particular class and worldview can be if you havent seen it up close.

Pregnancy, if you’re at all in touch with your feelings, is a deeply emotional state of being, during which you are almost spiritually connected to your baby - and to all the mothers and babies that have gone before (apols for woo).

it’s also a famously time when your own childhood wounds come racing to the surface.

its not at all surprising that, although you have superficially found, or been trained into, a form of pseudo-connection with them that doesn’t rock the boat or force them to confront their failings, your subconscious does not feel the same.

I would seriously consider more therapy - not because the earlier therapy was useless, but because you are emotionally a completely new person once you become a parent, and have access to parts of your psyche that you previously did not. (Psychotherapist not counsellor).

What about them?

Lawyers.

If you genuinely forgot to tell your parents you're pregnant, when you speak to them every couple of weeks, I'd suggest you need more than a bit of therapy to get over the obvious trauma.

Or if you knowingly didn't tell them to spite them, and you're just saying you forget they exist to make a point, I think you need more therapy.

Seems very strange you didn’t tell them you are pregnant before now, even if you have a more casual relationship with them. I’m sure I told more distant relatives fairly early on as my DPs died before I had my kids.

What about hedge fund managers? Think they might possibly afford it. At least read all OPs posts.

Same here tbh. Agree with all of your post.

You come across very cold and quite disingenuous actually OP. It doesn’t sound like you’ve had the closest relationship with your parents - their fault entirely for not being present in your early years. However no one forgets they have parents and no one would forget to tell them a big life event like this. Dig deep into why with therapy. Or I fear your relationship with your future child may also suffer as you come across so cold already

Well she obviously did and decided not to bother.

You’re just demonstrating, with this comment, that you lack the imagination to empathise with other people’s experiences.

The OP has explained that she doesn’t have the type of relationship with her parents where she shares information about herself. Her parents lack interest and so she’s never developed that habit. Their conversational pattern is to discuss things like politics. She’s simply continued in that same pattern.

Gosh I’ve never met academics who could afford 4 sets of boarding fees…shark well and truly jumped on that one

Your mum being upset is a natural consequence of the relationship she’s (failed to) cultivate with you.

@BeBreezyAquaFinch- I know you’ve had therapy already, but one thing to consider, often becoming a parent can really highlight how shit your own parenting was (or good!). It’s tough for a lot of people. For instance, be prepared for when your child reaches the age you were first sent to boarding school (7 or older?) that you might really struggle to process your parents choices.

What do you want me to say here? My parents wouldn't but I can imagine it would be hurtful if they did but I can also imagine that the OP wouldn't be surprised by her parents doing it but it would still be hurtful. I think I can get her choosing not to tell them but I'm struggling with the idea of her forgetting and then not realising that her mum would be hurt about not being told until very late.

There's a lot going on. I'm not an expert, I've just given my immediate response to the post that the OP put out there. I'm happy for her that she's pregnant and I'm gutted for her that she wasn't nurtured with warmth and love during her childhood. I'm not a therapist, I'm just some random plonker.

Do they ever ask questions about you/your life?

The difference is , there’s actually a need to tell your employer. That would be on your mind.

If OP’s parents never ask what she has been up to, how she is, how’s work, what has she been up to etc. and the exchange is purely functional and about whatever they want to talk about I can definitely see it happening. It’s not on OP’s mind because she is not used to sharing or talking about herself. She just follows a (dysfunctional)pattern.

Why does ANY woman need walked down the aisle and given away to a husband? Even if OP wanted to, maybe it was her sister she had chosen.

I wasn't saying that her father should have walked her down the isle - but surely the question of whether she wanted someone to walk her down the isle came up at some point when the wedding was being organised? At that point wouldn't the OP think about whether she wanted her parents involved in the wedding or not?

I think that the very opposite of OP appreciating her mother more once she has a child may happen. If OP feels overwhelming love for her baby and that she could never ever send her child to boarding school away from her and their dad, she will judge her parents even harder.

It sounds like a very unusual relationship. I find it hard to believe you forgot to tell them about your Wedding or pregnancy. You mention several times that they don't seem that interested or you didn't think they would be. I think this is the crux of the issue. You are still waiting for them to be interested in you. You're an adult now and you have a choice to make. Either cut contact or embark on a proper meaningful relationship, to do the latter you might need to reflect a little more on how their lack of interest makes you feel and possibly address this with them.

I have reported the thread. It may well be genuine, and if it is then I apologise for any unfair assumptions.

That said, there has been a real increase lately in threads that turn out to be fake, exaggerated or otherwise misleading. People post them for all sorts of reasons: some for entertainment, some because they're fantasists, some to gauge opinion for research purposes, and some as a form of creative writing exercise. I've been taken in by a few threads recently that were fake, so my spidey senses are probably in overdrive.

Oh, and a quick edit to add that my parents were drug taking irresponsible idiots who were happy for us to go in and out of care from birth. They were both dead by the time I was 10 years old. I know all about adults who are meant to love and care for children but put their own needs and wants first.

I don't think the shock is that you took from them, it's that you've created this idea in your head that they don't care. If they didn't care, they wouldn't have done that.
At 18 I got took to my parents home after a DV incident with my BF at the time. I needed to go to hospital in the morning as I couldn't walk. Parents told me to ask my BF to take me as they were busy. So I did, and went back to live with him and experience further abuse. My parents never said a word about it or offered me a place back in the family home.
The funny thing is, I know they do care about me. They have done other things to show that such as helping me out financially. They just can't deal with emotion after growing up in abusive homes themselves. To pretend your parents don't care when they housed you and got you a job at 22 and have weekly calls with you is ridiculous.

YANBU in the slightest. You reap what you sow.
They couldn’t be bothered to parent you themselves or take any interest in your life other than throwing cash at you (and holidays that they also benefited from) to alleviate any guilt and keep up appearances to others.
They don’t get to sweep in and dictate that they are now involved because there’s a shiny new grandchild to show off on the way.