AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

Erm, I think you did report me - my post saying that you are argumentative was deleted.

I did suspect that the thread might not be genuine and I reported it. MN haven't responded and I'm now giving the OP the benefit of the doubt.

Yes I think you are be unreasonable , in your own words you had a privileged upbringing and I think a bit of gratitude wouldn’t go a miss.

OP my in-laws are like this, so you’re not alone in this at all.

The regular phone calls or contact are out of duty and until recently, when I pulled them up on it, would all be from us to them. If we didn’t take the pre-school aged grandchildren to theirs (a weekend trip away) they wouldn’t see them. I was told they wouldn’t ever be inviting themselves up to see us, as it’s rude, and when they are here we’re very much expected to host and entertain them. They like the anecdotes/photos of the grandchildren and to their friends I’m sure they seem doting and very hands on.

Conversations are exclusively around politics, the latest article in the Economist and what sibling has been doing in their latest project. There have been periods, one of around 9 months that I recall, in which FIL didn’t once ask my DH how his work was going. I’ve given the same response, with the same specific detail about my main project with no progression, for the last year when asked about my work and they’ve yet to notice or ask about next steps.

They're nice enough people, both boarded from a young age and feel they’ve done well to not send DH away, but they’re just not interested in us or our lives and certainly don’t have any space for our hardships. Any difficulties are quickly swept past with an ‘all will be well soon’ response. Almost like the house mistress editing the tears out of letters home.

All this means we’re just not close and it never occurs to DH to tell them our news, good or otherwise - I have to prompt him to do so.

FWIW I also don't mention a lot of personal things to my mum, out of a self-protective feeling. I would never talk about difficulties at work/in friendships etc even though on the surface we have a good relationship. I totally get not mentioning things through not wanting to be vulnerable.

Im sorry but however distant you see your relationship with your parents, I think it’s unforgivable to have not told your parents until you are seven months pregnant. How can you seriously believe that your parents wouldn’t be interested that you are having a baby? I honestly can’t think of anything on earth that would hurt me more than my daughter not telling me she was pregnant as soon as she knew, let alone just a few weeks before the baby was due.

With this update, truly bizarre.

I can’t imagine forgetting to tell anyone who I speak to fortnightly that I was pregnant, or forgetting to invite someone I speak too that regularly to my wedding.

Did you invite any other family to your wedding? Do you speak to all your friends at least once a fortnight?

Parents or not, someone you have general chit chat with that often is someone you have a relationship with such that I think you’d keep them up to date with your life.

FWIW - I had a good childhood and have what I would consider a healthy relationship with my parents and love them very much, and probably speak to them less than you do your parents and probably just as superficially, and they’ve never asked if I want children - but when I got pregnant they were still one of the first people we told (because they’re my parents and I tell them big life updates, even if I don’t tell them every little thing that happens to me).

I’m not surprised they feel hurt. Is it really true that at no point in the last 7 months of phone calls they’ve not once asked how you are or what you’ve been doing, and you’ve not asked them the same? I’ve asked that of literal acquaintances today as small talk at the start of a phone call, not even because I’ve particularly cared but just to make conversation.

I honestly think you'll be a great parent.

I am sure you will be a great mum, and certainly did not mean to suggest you will not be. I just am struck by the pattern with "forgetting" to mention a child and you being a "forgotten" child - it is something to be aware of.

I would add that although it's clear you've a difficult relationship with your parents, less than perfect parents can be good grandparents. And your child will feel hurt if you just "forget" to mention things about him/her to your grandparents. It's not only about you and your parents now, there is a third person (your baby) in the relationship - this may help things.

I was going to say that I understand that I was in ICU twice and forgot to tell my parents. They were bad parents and as an adult I have never leaned on them for anything so when I was very ill I just didn't think of them because they have never been there. I did get in touch once the dust cleared though and I realised that I had forgot because although they are crap parents I know they care for me deep down. I can't imagine speaking to them every few weeks for months and forgetting to tell them of a pregnancy, especially a first one. That's usually a pretty major time in your life. I'm not surprised that your parents feel that it was purposeful and hurtful, it's a pretty unusual situation.

So what? OP has already said her dad was a hedge fund manager. What’s lawyers got to do with anything?

I would honestly consider therapy about your relationship with your mum before the baby comes along. The fact that you have treated your future child as something that can be 'forgotten about' with your mum suggests to me that you are re-enacting the distance/neglect (or perceived neglect) that she had from you as a child. Don't let history repeat itself.

I am struggling to understand how you say you are 'so detached' yet you talk to them every other week.

I hear you that it's mostly about current events etc., and it's a long standing habit, and you can still be emotionally quite distant under those circumstances.

But, at the end of the day, there's effort being made on both sides, from you and your parents, to speak regularly and maintain contact.

It's unusual not to mention something as big as a pregnancy under those circumstances.

It would make sense if you only spoke every 6 months or something, but you are in touch regularly.

Ignore me because you know you're wrong. How did the report go considering you're still on here?

I could report you for a) troll hunting and b) personal attacks.

Well she has been neglected because her parent left her to chase wealth.

Because OP suggested she hadn’t talked about wealth on the thread and I pointed about that many of the things her childhood involved cost a lot of money and parents would need to be very wealthy to be able to afford them. Or have substantial family wealth behind them.

That doesn’t mean I think wealthy people neglect their children or that OP feels neglected because her parents were wealthy.

Are you absolutely sure that your parents don't know the names of their grandchildren? Ages and what they're like - yes, I can imagine. My parents have to calculate their GDCs' ages by reference to things that were happening in their lives when they were born, and they don't really know my children because we live so far away and they meet once a year. But they know how many grandchildren they have and they know all their names.

Are you 100% that if you picked up the phone to your mother or father and asked them to tell you the names of their 8 grandchildren, they couldn't do it?

This is such sad reading.

I hope your little boy brings you all the love and acceptance you have been looking for. That in that you can find the strength or courage or desire to try and form a relationship with your parents that has meaning for you.

And I hope they find in themselves a way to let you know the love they feel for you and how important you are to them.

Well you did. She was neglected emotionally and you said her parents must be incredibly wealthy to give her the upbringing she had.

We didn't tell DH's parents about our youngest until she was 9 months old. They've met her once.

We didn't forget, though. We didn't want to tell them. Neither did you.

We did, at least, not really tell them anything. I can imagine it has stung your mum more because you have talked to them every other week; but not mentioned this. There is a level of intent in that.

You do have to decide what you want, though. My DH would have preferred a better relationship with his parents but they aren't capable of change, so we're VLC to protect the children and prevent passing on further generational trauma; and because DH is happier that way. You can choose to be involved with them or choose not to be, but you've got to make your peace either way.

OMG. Read her updates!