AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

The more and more you post OP the more it becomes evident that you didn’t tell them because you assumed they wouldn’t care rather than you forgot, if you had been honest in your OP you might have gotten a bit more sympathy.
I have seen it within my own family, there comes a point where someone looks around and thinks damn i wish i was closer to them but now i don’t know how to be and so they latch on to the newest members hoping that they can atleast be close to them as there is no history of detachment/awkwardness, for me its my 2yo, there is an 8 and a half year gap between my older 4 and her, and family seems to have come out of the woodwork trying to bond with her more than they did with my older 4, when i had my older 4 they either had their own young children or were busy etc and maybe your mum feels that your pregnancy/ child is/was her chance to form a bond with her grandchild like she wasn’t able to with the older grandchildren? As you pointed out you speak to her the most out of her children and maybe she hoped that would mean she could bond with your child more?
Whether you intentionally withheld the information or not because you assumed she wouldn’t care -you were clearly wrong and she does care, i think the best thing now is to tell her that you assumed she wouldn’t be bothered and see what she says, apologise and see if you can get her more involved with the remaining weeks of your pregnancy maybe.

I'm really uncomfortable with the idea that you can make up for emotionally neglecting a child by effectively paying them off. These are two very different needs and one can't replace the other.

I have said they can have a relationship with my son if they would like to, I wouldn't be opposed to that. I doubt they would, my son is no different to the 8 other grandchildren they have.

I love and care about my parents I just have never had a bond with them or really had the opportunity to get to know them, I have tried my best to facilitate that bond but its just not there and they are just not interested.

I am allergic to nuts and have been since I was little as in 2 or so years old, my parents never ever remembered I was allergic to nuts,they would send me gifts that had nuts in them when I was at school, I have been allergic to nuts since before I started boarding at age 7 I suppose they do not have to remember but that is just an example. I am not upset at them, they were very busy people when I was growing up, I had more of a bond with my house mistress and master, matron etc than I did with my parents, I think they knew more about me than my parents.

Yeah, I hope this is something you will mull over once you've had the baby. Have a think about how your feel in her shoes. Tbh it's YOU that's coming across as the cold one not her,she must be heartbroken.

Echoing what other people have said, it's very strange that you "forgot" to invite them to your wedding or tell them about your pregnancy.

I don't think therapy worked for you; if you say you don't have any bad feelings towards them,but you just feel that they're distant family members, IMHO, you're either lying to yourself and carry huge resentment towards them,that you're not ready to deal with, or you have subconsciously already decided that you don't want a relationship with them.

What will happen when the baby is born and they want to have contact with him/her? How would you feel about that?
I think your answer will shed a lot of light on how you truly feel about them.

they’re just people who gave birth to us never really showed an interest in what we do or our lives

There is SUCH a big gap between "just people who gave birth to us" and parents who never really showed an interest in what you did ou your lives. This is so, so disrespectful and dismissive of children given up at adoption, children born of surrogates, a child born to an unknowing father, children separated from their parents for MH reasons and never reunited etc. These are children who can say "they're just people who gave birth to us". Your parents are not these parents, you are not those children. I'm not saying it's a race to the bottom. I'm saying you've lost perspective totally (as evidenced by not telling someone - anyone, could be the binman! - you speak to twice a month that you're having a baby soon).

Parents who never really showed an interest in what you did or your lives aren't parents who have four children, who find, fund and pay for boarding schools that made you happy and gave you lifelong friendships, who arrange with family to have you for periods of summer holidays, with whom you still speak twice a month, who gave you a flat in Earls Court rent-free, who set you up with a job. Sure, they weren't as present or attentive as you wanted or needed. But they didn't do NOTHING.

Posters who were pointing out your privilege weren't saying "they paid for shit, therefore they deserve to know if you're pregnant". They're saying "they did do stuff for you, more in many respects than lots and lots and lots of children get but it wasn't even enough for you to have the courtesy or decency to say the words "I'm having a baby" ". That's why people are accusing you of wanting to punish them.

I hear you on the distant upbringing, and I don't doubt any of that context, but I still think this was rather cold. A pregnancy isn't just "news" in the same category as everything else going on in your life — it's your mother's first grandchild. Even if you only see her a few times a year and the chat is surface-level, most people would make a point of ringing her specifically to tell her that, rather than letting it slip out incidentally near the end. The fact that it genuinely didn't occur to you says a lot about the relationship, sure, but it doesn't make the impact on your mother any less real. YWNBU to think there's a difference between "we're not close" and "I forgot to tell my own mother she's having a grandchild until eight months in."

School holidays are between 12 and 17 weeks per year depending on the school/country. So between 1/4 and 1/3 of the year.
I went to boarding school at 7. I know/knew my parents well. And as DC 6 I was largely left to my own devices. I think the story you tell yourself is probably a bit of an adaptation of the truth.

Look OP I understand that you feel what you feel but you do come across quite out of touch and … yes a bit privileged and not understanding how good you have it.

The previous OP was very spot on, they didn’t just give birth to you and then nothing, they did a lot more than nothing. Maybe you don’t remember yourself as a small child but there is a lot of work going into a baby you wayyyyyy before you can ship them off to the boarding school. You describe wonderful memories on holidays. Clearly it wasn’t an abusive household or miserable household. Obviously they wanted to give you best start in life with boarding schools, many people think it’s the best education and connections and environment you can have. And obviously they set you up for success with a job and a flat in Earl’s Court. Do you really think you’d be able to have your current lifestyle if they genuinely didn’t care and didn’t do it for you? Just read about how much people struggle all their life with poorly paid jobs and trying to get on the property ladder? Do you realise how worn down people become in this constant fight for survival in COL crisis?

do you know what real uncaring parents are? Have you read about Baby P? About abandoned children? Abused and neglected children? You have no idea what real parental neglect is. Like, ZERO clue.

sure they didn’t give you what you craved - and maybe they are both on the spectrum so they don’t know how (heck, maybe you too, everyone seems to be on the spectrum here) and of course parental affection is incredibly important and lack of it is damaging but you seem to have very black and white view and jumping between extremes

they’re just people who gave birth to us never really showed an interest in what we do or our lives

There is SUCH a big gap between "just people who gave birth to us" and parents who never really showed an interest in what you did ou your lives. This is so, so disrespectful and dismissive of children given up at adoption, children born of surrogates, a child born to an unknowing father, children separated from their parents for MH reasons and never reunited etc. These are children who can say "they're just people who gave birth to us". Your parents are not these parents, you are not those children. I'm not saying it's a race to the bottom. I'm saying you've lost perspective totally (as evidenced by not telling someone - anyone, could be the binman! - you speak to twice a month that you're having a baby soon).

Parents who never really showed an interest in what you did or your lives aren't parents who have four children, who find, fund and pay for boarding schools that made you happy and gave you lifelong friendships, who arrange with family to have you for periods of summer holidays, with whom you still speak twice a month, who gave you a flat in Earls Court rent-free, who set you up with a job. Sure, they weren't as present or attentive as you wanted or needed. But they didn't do NOTHING.

Posters who were pointing out your privilege weren't saying "they paid for shit, therefore they deserve to know if you're pregnant". They're saying "they did do stuff for you, more in many respects than lots and lots and lots of children get but it wasn't even enough for you to have the courtesy or decency to say the words "I'm having a baby" ". That's why people are accusing you of wanting to punish them.

they’re just people who gave birth to us never really showed an interest in what we do or our lives

There is SUCH a big gap between "just people who gave birth to us" and parents who never really showed an interest in what you did ou your lives. This is so, so disrespectful and dismissive of children given up at adoption, children born of surrogates, a child born to an unknowing father, children separated from their parents for MH reasons and never reunited etc. These are children who can say "they're just people who gave birth to us". Your parents are not these parents, you are not those children. I'm not saying it's a race to the bottom. I'm saying you've lost perspective totally (as evidenced by not telling someone - anyone, could be the binman! - you speak to twice a month that you're having a baby soon).

Parents who never really showed an interest in what you did or your lives aren't parents who have four children, who find, fund and pay for boarding schools that made you happy and gave you lifelong friendships, who arrange with family to have you for periods of summer holidays, with whom you still speak twice a month, who gave you a flat in Earls Court rent-free, who set you up with a job. Sure, they weren't as present or attentive as you wanted or needed. But they didn't do NOTHING.

Posters who were pointing out your privilege weren't saying "they paid for shit, therefore they deserve to know if you're pregnant". They're saying "they did do stuff for you, more in many respects than lots and lots and lots of children get but it wasn't even enough for you to have the courtesy or decency to say the words "I'm having a baby" ". That's why people are accusing you of wanting to punish them.

they’re just people who gave birth to us never really showed an interest in what we do or our lives

There is SUCH a big gap between "just people who gave birth to us" and parents who never really showed an interest in what you did ou your lives. This is so, so disrespectful and dismissive of children given up at adoption, children born of surrogates, a child born to an unknowing father, children separated from their parents for MH reasons and never reunited etc. These are children who can say "they're just people who gave birth to us". Your parents are not these parents, you are not those children. I'm not saying it's a race to the bottom. I'm saying you've lost perspective totally (as evidenced by not telling someone - anyone, could be the binman! - you speak to twice a month that you're having a baby soon).

Parents who never really showed an interest in what you did or your lives aren't parents who have four children, who find, fund and pay for boarding schools that made you happy and gave you lifelong friendships, who arrange with family to have you for periods of summer holidays, with whom you still speak twice a month, who gave you a flat in Earls Court rent-free, who set you up with a job. Sure, they weren't as present or attentive as you wanted or needed. But they didn't do NOTHING.

Posters who were pointing out your privilege weren't saying "they paid for shit, therefore they deserve to know if you're pregnant". They're saying "they did do stuff for you, more in many respects than lots and lots and lots of children get but it wasn't even enough for you to have the courtesy or decency to say the words "I'm having a baby" ". That's why people are accusing you of wanting to punish them.

they’re just people who gave birth to us never really showed an interest in what we do or our lives

There is SUCH a big gap between "just people who gave birth to us" and parents who never really showed an interest in what you did ou your lives. This is so, so disrespectful and dismissive of children given up at adoption, children born of surrogates, a child born to an unknowing father, children separated from their parents for MH reasons and never reunited etc. These are children who can say "they're just people who gave birth to us". Your parents are not these parents, you are not those children. I'm not saying it's a race to the bottom. I'm saying you've lost perspective totally (as evidenced by not telling someone - anyone, could be the binman! - you speak to twice a month that you're having a baby soon).

Parents who never really showed an interest in what you did or your lives aren't parents who have four children, who find, fund and pay for boarding schools that made you happy and gave you lifelong friendships, who arrange with family to have you for periods of summer holidays, with whom you still speak twice a month, who gave you a flat in Earls Court rent-free, who set you up with a job. Sure, they weren't as present or attentive as you wanted or needed. But they didn't do NOTHING.

Posters who were pointing out your privilege weren't saying "they paid for shit, therefore they deserve to know if you're pregnant". They're saying "they did do stuff for you, more in many respects than lots and lots and lots of children get but it wasn't even enough for you to have the courtesy or decency to say the words "I'm having a baby" ". That's why people are accusing you of wanting to punish them.

Out of 3 of my siblings I speak to my parents the most. I don’t think my siblings would mention things about me to my parents ? They barely speak to them so I don’t exactly see how I would come up in the conversation.

They don’t know much about my siblings either, my brothers have since changed jobs but my parents still think they’re doing the same thing they were doing 10 or so years ago. I’ve corrected them but it’s not information they choose to retain.

You might have misunderstood and I may have not explained it properly. I just do not think they care about anything in my life therefore didn’t think it mattered to them if I was expecting my first child or not. They’re not interested in my nieces and nephews they’ve never asked me about them, maybe to my siblings but I doubt it since my siblings don’t seem that bothered by them or really what they have to say. It’s not that I wasn’t excited I did think at the start to tell them then realised they probably wouldn’t care. To us this baby is a big deal as the previous pregnancy didn’t work out so we were very excited and told everyone that we knew cared and would have liked to know. I forgot that I hadn’t actually told them and then time just went on. First pregnancy I did want to share but then I had a miscarriage so next pregnancy I just wanted to tell those that would have been excited for us.

My eldest brother hasn’t spoken to them for almost a year, he actively isn’t interested. I think for him it’s different he’s just moved on with life. Had a wonderful wife, she has a great family and they’re not living in the uk they seem happy I see them quite often and speak to my brother often, my siblings and I are all quite close. None of us really think of our parents as parents they’re just people who gave birth to us never really showed an interest in what we do or our lives. I don’t think they mean it maliciously it’s just not how they are. I don’t think they show interest in what many people do.