AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

I think you’re punishing your parents and you have good reason to do so, but it would be far healthier all round if you communicated honestly with them about how you feel about the way you were brought up.

I see your point of view but obviously your mum feels differently.

I didn't tell anyone about my pregnancy until after 20 weeks because I had to have an amnio, the risks were high and I wanted to work through that on my own. My mum died in the intervening period so she never knew I was expecting. Sad but it was the right choice at the time.

With you, there was no reason why you shouldn't tell her, so I guess it was a bit cold but only you know the real state of your relationship.

Perhaps your child is a good reason to improve your relationship.

Your parents had children who were shipped off to boarding school (probably from a young age). Their career was more important than being hands-on and engaged parents. Instead of spending time with you all, you were given money and freedoms that most children wouldn't have been allowed. It was easier for your parents to do this, than be available to you.

My friend went to boarding school from aged 5. She rarely went home, and spent all her holidays at her grandparents in Scotland. Her parents split when she was a baby, and essentially her Mum couldn't be bothered with her. She has a relationship with her Dad, but a very fractured one with her Mum.

I can absolutely understand why you don't have a close relationship with your parents. You were 'parented' by staff at a boarding school, who in essence raised you.

To me, not telling my Mum about my pregnancy would be an alien concept. It just wouldn't happen, but then my relationship with my parents is different. Your parents clearly see their relationship with you differently, compared to how you view it. So yes, I can understand why your Mum is upset. Equally, I can see the situation from your point of view too. All I can say is, try and include them with important news. You then have at least told them, how they deal with that news is then up to them.

“Never asked me if I plan to have children so I just assumed they never cared”

OP, that’s outrageously unfair. If a parent doesn’t ask about your intentions, has it occurred to you that it might be to spare your feelings in case there’s a problem, or even that they think it’s none of their business? Your DPs did their best for you - sent you to expensive schools rather than disrupt your education; took you on holiday; allowed parties at home; made sure you had money - and I’m sorry, but “forgetting” to tell your parents you’re getting married or having a baby is just off the scale. Don’t you want your own DC to have some sort of relationship with its grandparents? Don’t take your parents for granted: they won’t be around for ever, and they may turn out to be very good grandparents. At the very least, allow your DPs to be grandparents.

Is this a reverse?

Yes sorry OP, I do find this very odd and I don’t think you really forgot to tell them or invite them to your wedding. I’d be terribly hurt as your mum. They may have never asked because they thought it might be intrusive.

You don’t forgot your pregnant! If you speak every week or so you have chosen not to mention it for months. I can see why that would be hurtful but you obviously don’t feel close enough to share this major event. Has it occurred to you that maybe they feel closer to you than you do to them?

im not close to my parents, i grew up at home but they rarely did anything with us we were sent out to play constantly. We never talked beyond the superficial, if I cried I got told off. As an adult I moved out at 18, i would see them/ speak to them every month or so. They weren’t involved in my life in any way and invitations to be involved were usually declined. I had a conversation with my mum one time and she mentioned that she appreciated how close we were as she never had that with her parents. I realised to her we had a close relationship because I saw or spoke to her once a month and we got on fine. It’s all about perspective.

This. It doesn’t sound a very poor upbringing to me.

To not mention your wedding or impending child to a parent, who seems to have done little wrong, is just very weird. 🤷‍♀️

As a test I'd say your mother passed. She does care about you and what you're doing. You can't change the past but you can change the future. How you take this forward is up to you.

I don't think you forgot. It was deliberate.

You forgot to tell them? Come off it

My parents didn’t ask me if I planned to have children either . I thought it was generally considered rude to ask people things like that.

tbh you are trying to act all causal “oh almost forgot to invite them to my wedding “ but it’s very clear you are full of resentment and not neutral. I think you need more therapy

Wow. I've just seen you have spoken roughly fortnightly throughout your pregnancy. That is a lot of calls to have not told them such important news.

You describe them as catch up calls so you know there's an expectation of news being passed on.

You don’t forgot you have parents if you speak to them so often. You’re out of order here OP

You forgot to invite parents to your wedding or tell them you were pregnant

no one forgets their parents in important life changes like that

you sound a little unhinged

I think it is odd to not even consider how your parents may feel to be grandparents. I understand that they were distant when you were growing up, but it sounds like they have been there for you in other more practical ways.
It maybe that now they are older with more time they will be fantastic grandparents- maybe do some more therapy and let them into you and your child’s life.

This was clearly done to hurt your parents. I’m assuming your dad had various jobs abroad and they preferred you to have a stable school environment and now you are punishing them. It’s not very understanding of their position or the privileges you gained from it. You don’t sound very pleasant to be honest. I cannot see anything in what you write about your parents that shows that they didn’t try and do their best for you. Not all parents can stick to what is now a model for parenting - being 100.% available, 100% of the time. If my dds did this I’d be mortified. Yes, they boarded too.

Have you told your in laws, other relatives, friends?

I am very close to DD, she didn't tell me about her first two unsuccessful pregnancies, the third one she told me at 20 weeks. I totally understood she was trying to spare my feelings as I would have fretted about her. You seem to have no particular reason, just "forgot". When were you going to tell her? This sounds really off to me.

Your Childhood sounds exactly like my DH’s. He has no ill will to his parents and hes grateful to have gone to a “school with good facilities” (his words).

he also doesn’t keep his parents in the loop. Not purposely excluding them but can’t particularly be bothered to send a WhatsApp either.

So it's probably attitudes like this from so-called therapists that have trained op into her entitled and blinkered attitude.

This commenter didn't even read my comment she responded to. Just knee jerk response to anything that isn't critical of boarding schools.

I have seen my dad for maybe a week every year (some years not at all) since i was 11 and i still remember i have a dad??

Being asked "are you going to have children?" is rude, intrusive and potentially upsetting. I would NEVER asked that, even of people I care deeply about and even if I was desperate to know.

Parent or not it seems very calculated to leave such major news out of a conversation to anyone you speak to that regularly