AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

You do come across as being very much like your parents actually. They put you through boarding school where most of the time they didn’t have to think about you and perhaps that has rubbed off on you?? If you live some distance away from them and don’t physically see them very often then maybe you’re partly detached from one another?

I’m going to come at this from a completely different angle based on my experience. My mum went to boarding school from a very young age (6) and the damage it has done to her emotionally is immense. What really struck me from the OPs posts is that like my mum the OP doesn’t appear to be aware how unusual her behaviour is. OP I’m really sorry you were pushed from pillar to post and had to learn to be your own support from such a young age. But please consider some therapy because my mum was/is a terrible parent as a result of her ability to squash all emotion down to nothing. She thinks she is a great parent because she didn’t send us to boarding school and even in her 80s she’s unable to contemplate the damage done to her because it’s just too hard to contemplate. She’s missed out on so much because she cannot allow herself to be attached to anyone or anything including her own children. Boarding school syndrome is a very real thing.

It appears to me, the issue is perception and interpretation. I would surmise on the small amount of info you have given. That you are both living in two very different relationships running simultaneously.

For your parents love was shown to you by providing for you an excellent education, partly because they valued it so highly and partly so they could focus on their careers. Both can be true. They value independence and so have thought they are showing love to you by giving you the freedom by not curtailing areas of your and that comes across by not asking you. They show love to you by offering you ideas/books/articles that they found interesting.

For you, to feel love it would have taken spending time together, really talking about feelings and so the way they were showing you love was communicating the opposite to you - you perceived it disinterest and coldness. They had no idea.

The questions I think are:

• Do you think they did the best they could to love you growing up, with what they had emotionally to give?
• Which is different from did you feel loved?
• What would have made you feel loved?
• Could you have misinterpreted the ways they have loved you?
• Do you think that more empathy could be shown on both sides, right now
• How much has been separated from them been a trauma for your ‘child self’ and how much is this affecting your adult life?
• How do you want to move forward?

It seems to me that withholding the news of your pregnancy could have less to do with punishing them, and more to do with protecting your new child from the painful feelings of rejection and disinterest you feel from them. Exploring this sounds like an emotional process, but sometimes confronting why you do things can also help you, live and love differently moving forward.

You have shown a lot of vulnerability in asking the question in the first place. I don’t think it has an easy answer though and I wish you all the best in exploring it more deeply.

Quite surprised people aren’t seeing the deeper issue here.

OP was shipped off to boarding school. When her parents had the opportunity to be with their children, they still chose to ship them off. Not realising the emotional damage that does to children is very emotionally unintelligent.

They haven’t acted like parents emotionally. They have then got to deal with the consequences of that. Sure they probably thought they were doing the best for their children but both things can be true.

It is just a sad display of the damage your childhood had on you OP and your mother should be seeing it as a wake up call to get more involved, build bridges, and be there for her grandchild.

It’s just weird to “forget” to invite your parents to your wedding or tell them that you are pregnant. Normal people don’t forget those things. People dragging lots of baggage from childhood may subconsciously think “I won’t tell mum, then I don’t have to be hurt when she doesn’t gaf about this thing that is hugely important to me” but the practicalities of “forgetting” don’t add up. You would remember they existed when thinking about numbers for the venue or catering. You would remember you were pregnant when on the phone and you felt a bit ropey or tired or the baby kicked. It would come up naturally when you thought about mat leave. Your friends - your 8 boarding school survivors - would have mentioned something - “Is your mum bothered?” or your dh or in-laws “what has your mum said about the baby? Is she pleased?”. What about your siblings? Did you forget them too?
I hate telling my mum anything important as she doesn’t really care so either tells you immediately about when she (or one of her friends dc or dgc) did that thing, changes the subject, or makes a sarcastic remark. It is hurtful - I get it. My nephew excitedly called my mum to tell her about his Oxford offer - no “well done” or “congratulations”, just a story about a friend of hers he doesn’t know who has a granddaughter he doesn’t know who went to Manchester the year before. Will he rush to tell her other important news such as getting married or fathering a child? No. Will he forget? Also no - he just won’t want to be hurt by her indifference again.

I also don’t believe you forgot to invite your parents to your wedding. Everyone knows about the tradition of the father walking you down the aisle (even if you don’t believe in that it is ingrained), the mother of the bride outfit etc etc.

if you did genuinely forgot I think you need counselling - it’s not usual even if you aren’t close

Are you like this with other people you don't see that often? Like out of sight, out of mind?

If you forget you have parents, then I assume it is them who instigate the phone calls every other week and not you. Clearly they haven't forgotten they have a daughter !! Why engage with them at all then if they mean so little? I bet you won't forget to accept an inheritance from them. Grow up OP.

Or to turn this on its head, your parents were doing the right thing by not asking about future grandchildren in case there were fertility issues or because your sex life is none of their business? Maybe if they are both retired they might have time and energy to shower a grandchild with the affection you and your siblings didn't have growing up? Do your siblings know about your pregnancy? I'm surprised none of them let it slip to your parents. Lastly congratulations on your new arrival

I think you need to work on holding more nuance here. Your position seems to be that your parents did what they did because they had different priorities and perhaps had no idea how much it would affect you or your relationship with them. At the same time your parents choices hurt you and that matters. Those two things can and should coexist after therapy.

You didn't forget to invite your parents to your wedding; that just isn't possible. You are clearly angrier than you are letting on - to us or them. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

If you have been having therapy over your childhood, I guess you’re more resentful of them than you realise and don’t ‘forget they exist’ but purposefully keep a distance.
Thats up to you but it is quite unusual to not tell you parents big news like this unless you actively want to avoid them.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

My parents never asked me if I planned to have children and I’d have a reasonably close relationship with them. If you speak to them a couple of times a month, it is odd that you didn’t think to tell them - more like you withheld the information intentionally.

It’s really strange from you perspective that you forgot to tell them something that is so important to YOU.

I mean tell them or don’t tell them but how could you forget something like this.

I think you need to reevaluate your relationships with people. I mean how you relate. No contact or low contact might be better.

But to forget something this important is weird on your behalf.

Let's hope you don't "forget" to communicate with your child. Things like jewellery & property are meant to be passed down families, not emotional neglect. Break that awful cycle.

You do seem incredibly cold! You know you should have told them earlier about your pregnancy and also your wedding. Of course they would be interested.

I don’t actually think you’re unreasonable despite thinking when I started reading that this was a reverse post because it was so unreasonable! I know you say you had a great childhood, but the lack of parental bond is sad - the other stuff you could keep for me (not that I had a great parental bond either). So on the basis that they sound like Hallmark parents like mine, i.e. just send a card on special occasions, I’m not surprised they’re very high up your priority list.

That's a bit unfair.

This coldness is actually quite common for children who were sent to boarding school.

The more the OP posts, the more detatched and uncaring she sounds.

This goes far deeper than "I forgot" to tell my parents. The OP's behaviour is really odd.

I have never asked either of my adult children directly if they intend to have children, but I have a good idea as to whether they do because we do talk about their dreams and aspirations in a general way and I know their likes, dislikes and priorities.

Meanwhile OP's parents discuss Starmer's resignation on phone calls.

Your post shows your complete lack of understanding of OP's relationship.
What exactly is OP taking for granted? Her parents have given her zero emotional support or interest for her whole life. I don't think she will miss the continued lack of it when they are gone.

OP -you might be better to post in Relationships. You will get too many "but their your parents" responses on here from people who have good relationships with their own families and cannot conceive that anything else might be the case.

what is mind boggling,
weren't you excited that you wanted to tell everyone?

I get you OP, I’ve not spoken to my mum for over a year and she hasn’t even noticed!
Some people are just not meant to be parents and are just not very good at it.
Parents with zero interest in their offspring isn’t an impossibility & is true for more people than you think mn.

Even if I’d have told my mother about my wedding and pregnancy she would have congratulated me like she would Shirley down the road, it has absolutely zero to do with her as far as she is concerned.