Page 2 | AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

BeBreezyAquaFinch · 2026-07-20T06:12:22+00:00

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong. A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes. To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared. From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much. My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship. So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate? I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

FrostyPalms · 21/07/2026 15:09

ChalkOutlines · 20/07/2026 17:52

It’s not that she forgot they exist, more that she doesn’t think of them as parents, or at least as parents should be.

Show quote history

I don't know why my post was deleted, but she literally said in her first post that she forgets they exists.

"I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist."

pikkumyy77 · 21/07/2026 14:25

I get it! Lots of us get it! Its not hard! Her childhood was completely normal to her so what is there to be angry about?

I don’t think she will get angry until after the baby is born and as he grows and she really viscerally experiences the connection her parents rejected.

FlowersSunshineSand747382 · 21/07/2026 14:19

OP, maybe the fact that you are NOT angry, is what is baffling to everyone here. The level of detachment you describe all around is abnormal, maybe that's why a lot of us don't get it.

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 14:17

Teakettletrio · 21/07/2026 13:54

@BeBreezyAquaFinch I get you. Only yesterday I was talking to my husband about my mother’s total lack of interest in our lives. I didn’t go to boarding school, in fact I grew up on benefits. But my mother considered that once I was 18 I was someone else’s problem. She’s got zero interest in my life. She’s been to my house once in the last 10 years. I just don’t bother telling her about anything that’s going on with me. It’s a waste of my time. Our fortnightly phone calls consist of a hour of her talking about her ailments and the ailments of all her neighbours. She doesn’t know what I do for a living, she can’t remember my kids birthdays, if I never saw her again she wouldn’t be bothered. She got married again last year and didn’t invite me or my sister.

Some people’s family relationships are like this and you do best to save your energy and time for those who are interested in what you are doing.

Enjoy your baby and your new chapter of family life.

I have the opposite. She has a massive interest , but it’s all about what it gives her ; bragging rights, something to put me down with or making it all about her.Half the time she doesn’t even listen properly, and just replies to what she THINKS I said. A bit like some posters on here. As a result, I tell her very little and my thought is never “I have to tell my mum!” so she’s very low down on the list if at all.

pikkumyy77 · 21/07/2026 14:06

muggart · 21/07/2026 11:12

OMG that nut allergy example is INSANE.

But very telling!

OP you don’t have to feel bad about not telling your parents or pay attention to these mumsnet types that are astounded and shocked and dismayed* that your family had money and privilege and yet you are not abjectly tied to your parents with mawkish performances of sentiment.

You and your siblings sound very well grounded. Congratulations on your pregnancy and all my best wishes for the birth. I sm sure you and your dh will make wonderful parents.

Teakettletrio · 21/07/2026 13:54

@BeBreezyAquaFinch I get you. Only yesterday I was talking to my husband about my mother’s total lack of interest in our lives. I didn’t go to boarding school, in fact I grew up on benefits. But my mother considered that once I was 18 I was someone else’s problem. She’s got zero interest in my life. She’s been to my house once in the last 10 years. I just don’t bother telling her about anything that’s going on with me. It’s a waste of my time. Our fortnightly phone calls consist of a hour of her talking about her ailments and the ailments of all her neighbours. She doesn’t know what I do for a living, she can’t remember my kids birthdays, if I never saw her again she wouldn’t be bothered. She got married again last year and didn’t invite me or my sister.

Some people’s family relationships are like this and you do best to save your energy and time for those who are interested in what you are doing.

Enjoy your baby and your new chapter of family life.

Differentforgirls · 21/07/2026 13:48

throwawayimplantchat · 21/07/2026 13:36

The ending of this post is a needlessly cruel comment.

OP has repeatedly shared that she had a miscarriage, that her current pregnancy is very much longed for, and that she is already looking forward to (and determined to) have a healthy and loving bond with her baby. She sounds like she will be a loving mother, nothing indicates otherwise. She knows the importance of a loving, warm and genuine bond because of what was lacking in her own childhood. She has given no indication whatsoever that she’ll be anything other than a loving mum.

Show quote history

Yes it would be good to have a thumbs down emoji as well as a thumbs up.

throwawayimplantchat · 21/07/2026 13:36

FaceIt · 21/07/2026 13:27

It’s sad for you and them that something has made you so detached.

I wonder what you’ll be like with your own DC.

The ending of this post is a needlessly cruel comment.

OP has repeatedly shared that she had a miscarriage, that her current pregnancy is very much longed for, and that she is already looking forward to (and determined to) have a healthy and loving bond with her baby. She sounds like she will be a loving mother, nothing indicates otherwise. She knows the importance of a loving, warm and genuine bond because of what was lacking in her own childhood. She has given no indication whatsoever that she’ll be anything other than a loving mum.

FaceIt · 21/07/2026 13:27

It’s sad for you and them that something has made you so detached.

I wonder what you’ll be like with your own DC.

Velumental · 21/07/2026 13:19

BeBreezyAquaFinch · 20/07/2026 09:40

Maybe you’re right. Maybe subconsciously that’s what I intended to do.

My brother had a baby and did not tell our parents till he was born, he told us, none of us thought to even tell our parents. He didn’t tell us not to but I think we are all so detached. Even then they weren’t so fussed they just wished them the best. I think my brother is different to me he just got on with life and is very happy he has 4 children now and has built a life for himself abroad. I see the children quite often so do my other siblings we are all there for one another. It’s not as though the children don’t see family members they do, my mothers family, fathers fathers family their mothers family etc

Show quote history

I don't understand why you're getting so much flack.

What age were you packed off to boarding school?

If you have kids a d opt to have them raised in an institution, albeit an expensive one, then you can't expect the same relationship as parents who wake up with, eat dinner with and go to bed in the same house as those children every day. You earn that relationship.

Your parents don't get to feel hurt you're not treating them like close family when they didn't treat you like close family

BobbysDazzler · 21/07/2026 13:09

I've read all your input on this thread OP, and don't think I've missed it if you've said..... I wanted to ask, how often do you see your parents, we know you speak to them regularly, but how often do you see them in person?

Also before you went to boarding school, was it your mother, an au pair, relative or nanny who brought you up?

It could further emphasise to others your lack of connection with your parents.

LoafofSellotape · 21/07/2026 11:50

BeBreezyAquaFinch · 21/07/2026 11:05

I can understand why you've interpreted it that way, and I don't dismiss the possibility that unresolved family dynamics can sometimes play out through distance rather than confrontation. Where I think we differ is in the confidence with which you're applying that interpretation to me. A forum post is only ever a snapshot and there is a great deal of context that isn't there.

It's also not just my pregnancy or my wedding, my wedding was at Islington town hall in the register office, it wasn't anything extravagant, we wanted it to be us and our friends and family members, my parents did attend, I probably would have had a lovely day eve if they chose not to attend. Prior to marriage my husband and I were together for 7 years, my parent's have met him, they have never asked him anything about himself or anything substantial one of the first times he met them he was very nervous, then realised they don't really care. There are many parts of my life that my parents don't know about, not because I'm consciously withholding them, but because we've never had that kind of relationship. Over the years, I've simply stopped expecting much curiosity or engagement.

A fairly mundane example is that my parents still used to send me gifts containing nuts when I was at school, despite me having a severe nut allergy since childhood. I'd actually been hospitalised because of it when I was little, and eventually my school matron had to ring them to remind them that I still couldn't eat nuts. That wasn't malice, but it does rather illustrate the level of attention they paid to what was going on in my life, the hospitalisation, they were there as it was before I started boarding.

So I don't think what's happened here is an unconscious attempt to punish them. I think it's much more ordinary than that: over many years we've developed a relationship where they aren't particularly involved in my life, and I don't naturally think to tell them everything. That may be sad, but it's different from the dynamic you've described.

Your perspective is one possible lens, and I'm happy to reflect on it. I will do the work to make sure I can be an attentive mother and I hope I can bond with my son and hopefully my husband and I can be good loving parents. We will make mistakes but hopefully we can remember information such as allergies.

Also I do no think you have read my thread fully or taken into account the various situations and examples,

Edited

Show quote history

My parents give my ds things containing nuts too,I also have a severe alley and I have to check food every single bloody time and they behave like it's the first time they've heard about it. It's tiresome.

muggart · 21/07/2026 11:12

OMG that nut allergy example is INSANE.

Original poster

BeBreezyAquaFinch · 21/07/2026 11:05

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 21/07/2026 10:49

IMO you are clearly furious with your parents. Rather than raising this with them and accepting the possible negative repercussions that might bring, you are punishing them with passive-aggression.

It is not credible that someone could 'forget' to invite their parents to the wedding. That was an unconscious choice. Equally, it is not credible that someone pregnant with a wanted first child could 'forget' to mention it over the course of several phone calls.

You are protecting yourself from possible hurt by detaching from your parents and then punishing them by excluding them the important parts of your life.

I am reasonably certain this analysis is correct. I used to behave in a similar way with my own mother. I was completely unaware of it until I had extensive therapy during the 20 years I trained and then practiced as a psychodynamic psychotherapist.

I can understand why you've interpreted it that way, and I don't dismiss the possibility that unresolved family dynamics can sometimes play out through distance rather than confrontation. Where I think we differ is in the confidence with which you're applying that interpretation to me. A forum post is only ever a snapshot and there is a great deal of context that isn't there.

It's also not just my pregnancy or my wedding, my wedding was at Islington town hall in the register office, it wasn't anything extravagant, we wanted it to be us and our friends and family members, my parents did attend, I probably would have had a lovely day eve if they chose not to attend. Prior to marriage my husband and I were together for 7 years, my parent's have met him, they have never asked him anything about himself or anything substantial one of the first times he met them he was very nervous, then realised they don't really care. There are many parts of my life that my parents don't know about, not because I'm consciously withholding them, but because we've never had that kind of relationship. Over the years, I've simply stopped expecting much curiosity or engagement.

A fairly mundane example is that my parents still used to send me gifts containing nuts when I was at school, despite me having a severe nut allergy since childhood. I'd actually been hospitalised because of it when I was little, and eventually my school matron had to ring them to remind them that I still couldn't eat nuts. That wasn't malice, but it does rather illustrate the level of attention they paid to what was going on in my life, the hospitalisation, they were there as it was before I started boarding.

So I don't think what's happened here is an unconscious attempt to punish them. I think it's much more ordinary than that: over many years we've developed a relationship where they aren't particularly involved in my life, and I don't naturally think to tell them everything. That may be sad, but it's different from the dynamic you've described.

Your perspective is one possible lens, and I'm happy to reflect on it. I will do the work to make sure I can be an attentive mother and I hope I can bond with my son and hopefully my husband and I can be good loving parents. We will make mistakes but hopefully we can remember information such as allergies.

Also I do no think you have read my thread fully or taken into account the various situations and examples,

OP posts:

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 10:53

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 21/07/2026 10:49

IMO you are clearly furious with your parents. Rather than raising this with them and accepting the possible negative repercussions that might bring, you are punishing them with passive-aggression.

It is not credible that someone could 'forget' to invite their parents to the wedding. That was an unconscious choice. Equally, it is not credible that someone pregnant with a wanted first child could 'forget' to mention it over the course of several phone calls.

You are protecting yourself from possible hurt by detaching from your parents and then punishing them by excluding them the important parts of your life.

I am reasonably certain this analysis is correct. I used to behave in a similar way with my own mother. I was completely unaware of it until I had extensive therapy during the 20 years I trained and then practiced as a psychodynamic psychotherapist.

I am reasonably certain you haven’t read the full thread. It helps.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 21/07/2026 10:49

IMO you are clearly furious with your parents. Rather than raising this with them and accepting the possible negative repercussions that might bring, you are punishing them with passive-aggression.

It is not credible that someone could 'forget' to invite their parents to the wedding. That was an unconscious choice. Equally, it is not credible that someone pregnant with a wanted first child could 'forget' to mention it over the course of several phone calls.

You are protecting yourself from possible hurt by detaching from your parents and then punishing them by excluding them the important parts of your life.

I am reasonably certain this analysis is correct. I used to behave in a similar way with my own mother. I was completely unaware of it until I had extensive therapy during the 20 years I trained and then practiced as a psychodynamic psychotherapist.

Itiswhysofew · 21/07/2026 10:43

Sorry, HRTHT. You say you're detached from them and don't think about them, so why would you even think to tell them your good news. Sure, it's an unusual situation to me, but I wasn't sent away to school and raised in an institution. They neglected you emotionally and shouldn't be surprised at your indifference towards them.

MrsShawnHatosy · 21/07/2026 10:28

Philip Larkin’s poem This Be The Verse has never seemed as true to me as after reading this thread.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

OP it seems to me that your parents did not have the tools to parent you in the way you needed, all they can do is parent you the way they were. My mother didn’t have the tools either. All you can do is try to break the cycle. I wish you and your son all the best.

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 10:14

TakeThatAndParty81 · 21/07/2026 10:04

OP - have you ever thought about what your young self - your child self would have wanted. You say you’ve had lots of therapy so I don’t want to go into inner child work. But from what you’re saying- that child still needs a lot of healing. Do you think there is any repair around the relationship with your mother?

OP can’t repair anything because she can’t change her mother. A mother who hated her own mother, didn’t want children , but had them because that’s what you do, forgot about her child’s peanut allergy, threw away a grandchild’s picture as clutter etc. Therapy can’t fix another person. OP managed to find a healthyish , mutually satisfying balance between accepting her parents for who they are and still maintaining a relationship, while emotionally protecting herself. That’s good enough.

TakeThatAndParty81 · 21/07/2026 10:04

OP - have you ever thought about what your young self - your child self would have wanted. You say you’ve had lots of therapy so I don’t want to go into inner child work. But from what you’re saying- that child still needs a lot of healing. Do you think there is any repair around the relationship with your mother?

Comtesse · 21/07/2026 09:50

Morning OP I think more therapy is an excellent idea. The stately homes thread on Relationships will be interesting reading too.

In fact, I feel bad you asked your question on AIBU not Relationships where you would have got more nuanced answers.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 21/07/2026 09:39

@Avie29

From OP…..

I have spoken to them today. I don’t think they’re that bothered by it instead they got over it we spent almost an hour talking about Andy Burnham and where they plan to go to on holiday next same old same old.

Not upset, not bothered.

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 09:37

Avie29 · 21/07/2026 09:30

If she didn’t care she wouldn’t have been upset.

Show quote history

Oh my sweet summer child.

Avie29 · 21/07/2026 09:30

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 09:16

How do you know she cares?

Show quote history

If she didn’t care she wouldn’t have been upset.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 21/07/2026 09:24

I think this thread is kind of split between those who understand and those who don’t. How you were brought up will determine your stance on this and people have generally only experienced one way. Those who don’t understand will never do so, and will maintain that your mother obviously wants to have a relationship with her ‘first’ grandchild. Those who do understand see that for you, your mother is perhaps like an ex line manager almost, facilitating your job progression but with no deeper emotional attachment.

I’d recommend counselling but not to fix your relationship with your parents as I don’t think there is anything to fix. You call and discuss Andy Burnham and everyone seems fine with this. You have close relationships with other family, school friends and in-laws and everyone seems fine with this too. But in counselling you can get all this straight in your head and that’s never a bad thing.

Next time your mother expresses surprise you didn't tell her something, just point out that she wasn’t interested when the other 8 grandchildren were born, or the last two promotions you had, or the last house move so you presumed she wasn’t interested in this one either.

If you wanted you could say she wasn’t interested in the last nine grandchildren and see if she realises 🤣.