AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

Are you pretending to yourself that it's normal to forget to tell them? so you can subconsciously punish them for abandoning you?

I think you need more therapy!

As a fellow boarding school kid I feel for you if you were sent from a very young age. How young were you?
Why didn’t you go home in holidays? You mentioned you only saw them a few weeks a year. Most kids (unless they live in the back of beyond) go home every holiday and 1/2 term. I wonder if you have always felt resentful about being sent away and this has led you to miss-remember how much time you spent at home?
Therapy is dependant on the therapist, your therapeutic relationship and what you bring. Sometimes it’s the wrong therapist, sometimes it’s just the wrong time for you. I wonder if the right time to deal with this stuff may come up in the future.

I'd completely get it if OP said she didn't want to tell them, was deliberately wanting to get back at them for her childhood, didn't want them involved, etc - any of those would be understandable.

But she seems to be saying she bears them no ill will - even speaks to them every other week (!) - and is just saying that she didn't think to mention what is absolutely massive news?

That's just odd.

I can see why your parents are surprised not to have been told the baby news.
You have had counselling so you obviously think that you would have preferred to have seen your parents more often.
They did their best.

Remember to do it better for your child.

Remember to tell your parents about the birth. Instigate a closer bond with your parents for your child's benefit.

Are you close with your siblings?
You have one mighty thing in common.
It could help to discuss your funny, sad, lonely, pampered and amazing upbringing with three others who understand and put it into perspective.

its self absorbed and using the child as a weapon already actually . Why not cut ties altogether with people who you think are robots that would not be interested to hear you are pregnant . Why bother talking to them at all

agree

YANBU. You get to decide what relationship you have with them, if any. Frankly, they are reaping what they sowed.

You can't have both forgotten and not thought they'd care. You opted when to tell them.

Tbh like others have said, you need to work out if you want a relationship with them and if you do you need to move forward in a different way. You're about to become a mum the world will look different to you. You need to remember that these are your child's grandparents and their understanding of the world will be shaped by your relationships and how they observe 'normal'.

What im saying is that if you role model to them that it is normal to have irregular contact with your parents and share important news, they will absorb that and may develop a similar relationship with you and DH. At the very least they will ask you about it. I know we like to think our kids will never do xyz because we will do it differently but trust me, all parents are flawed, and that will include you. Even the unflawed ones sometimes go on to have kids that don't act as one would hope (so even if you're perfect, involved, nurturing, your kid may still want a relationship like you have with your parents and it will be outside your control)

You speak to them every other week and you didn't tell them you were pregnant? Of course they're going to be upset by that. You must have spoken to them loads since you found out and just not mentioned it as if it's irrelevant? Even if you don't normally talk about things like that, a pregnancy is huge news.

From your original post I assumed you only talked to them once every 6 months or something.

You haven't done anything wrong. It doesn't matter that posters on here that did not live your childhood with the emotional neglect that you did don't get it. Congratulations on your baby!

'Boarding school syndrome' is a thing but I have worked in one and known many, many pupils some of whom have very distant parents, and OPs situation does not sound remotely like a neglected child, more like she has read some stuff about distant parents and decided that must be her even though with every additional detail it sounds less like her parents were distant and uncaring at all! Not perfect, but how many of us are?
I agree with a PP that this therapy has convinced you that you were hard done by when you really weren't. From what you have said, your parents:

• Sent you to boarding school when they moved round the world to keep your education stable. This is a responsible thing to do and exactly the kind of situation where boarding school is appropriate. It is the kids whose parents live half an hour down the road I worry about!
• Tried having you nearer them in Switzerland but you preferred your English boarding school so they sent you back?
• You really enjoyed school, have great memories and friends and were well looked after (they chose well, this was almost certainly not chance)
• They made sure you wanted for nothing (personally not my kind of parenting but they certainly care) financially and gave you a step up in the world (like caring parents do)
• They let you have parties at home so clearly it was your home
• They speak to you every fortnight

Can I pivot a little and ask how is your relationship with your siblings if you were all at boarding school? Were you all at the same schools? Have you told them about your pregnancy, as they've obviously not mentioned it to your parents if so which also begs the question is their relationship with your parents same as yours?

you’re contradicting yourself a little - if you say you didn’t think they’d care then you must have considered telling them.

Is this the first time you’ve spoken since you fell pregnant?

But I am picturing a young girl who notices her friends’ parents are around a lot more

I can guarantee this isn't the case. If op was truly at boarding school, and this isn't just a story, then she'll know that her parents were at the more involved end of the spectrum (for boarding school parents) by flying over from Morocco just to take her out for exeat weekends.

As an adult child, they sound pretty involved. My and dh's parents would love it if we spoke on the phone once a fortnight, that's very regular! Not to mention prolonged bankrolling into her 20s and even getting op a job for her.

If op is so resentful, why isn't she no-contact? Why string her parents along with such frequent phone calls but keep them in the dark? Is it because she knows they'd be there for her in a crisis (particularly a financial one)?

You talk to your child's grandparents every other week, something as momentous as your first pregnancy is happening to you, and you "forget" to tell them? And you're surprised they're hurt? Frankly, that's mad.

Plenty of us went to boarding school. My parents were, frankly, lazy to the point of being hurtful about things like exeats, parents' days etc. The fact remains that I saw them for around 17 weeks a year, more when I went to university, and it never once occurred to me that they wouldn't be amongst the first people I told about my engagement and various pregnancies.

I wouldn't have minded your upbringing.

You accuse your parents of being absorbed in their own lives - but can you not see that is exactly what you are doing? You all obviously have a lot in common.

In the kindest possible way, you’re going to need to work on your parent issues as having a baby really does uncover all the crap, even the issues we thought we’d dealt with. You ‘forgetting they exist’ sounds very unhealthy. You’re creating even more distance so that their distance can’t hurt you. Or subconsciously or consciously punishing your mother for being distant by not telling her….

This baby may be a route to healing or bridging the distance, or it may cement the sense that you’re happier without them in your life. Your parents might show up as grandparents in the way they couldn’t as parents. Equally they may disappoint you further. You don’t know, but my encouragement (and I had very crap parents, plus they were poor so not even there for financial support) is that you’ll need to build a relationship that works for you that looks and feels healthier. Imagine telling your child at 5 that he/she doesn’t know her grandparents because you forgot about them.

From a diifferent perspective of someone seeing how this is playing out from an outside perspective - my sister in law is also well into pregnancy (I think shes due in November) and hasn't told her father (mother is dead). She's told her sister (my wife). I presume you've also told your sisters?

Her dad does not deserve the way my sister in law is treating him. He's definitely stuck in his Irish-rural ways, but hes not mean. Last month we stayed with him and went to sister-in-laws wedding. He decided not to go to the wedding, because over the last 6 months shes compltely ignored him, and left him to fend for himself after a stroke (we don't live in Ireland, she does and is about 90mins away from him). When we arrived at the wedding venue (day before the wedding, we spent the night before with them) she never asked once about him.

For context, my wife has actually already told her father that her sister is pregnant. When we got back to his house after the wedding, he asked if she really was pregnant and we said yes. And he was heartbroken.

Sister-in-law has history of doing this sort of thing, but this has been low even for her. There is no reason not to tell a parent that you're pregnant, because it will be a big deal to them.

Watching this play out in a different family, its actually incredibly sad to see the way that sister-in-law has been completely dismissive of her dad.

I'd think really carefully about why you're choosing to cut your parents out of your life, and if that really is something you want to do.

I think your parents never learned how to 'parent'. Not entirely their fault, their view of how to be a good parent became providing all the comforts of life. Did they go to boarding schools themselves, OP? Because a good way to open a dialogue might be to ask them about THEIR experiences of growing up. Now you're about to have your own child it is a good time to start that conversation. You might find out that their inability to parent affectionately and in an involved way was passed down to them. It will also explain why they aren't involved grandparents - they really don't know HOW to be. To them, love is expressed via money and other physical benefits.

You also need to be aware that it might affect the way you relate to your child - it's very easy to say 'I will overcome the downside of my upbringing', but it can be very much harder to do in real time.

It is a bit weird to not have mentioned it at all but I have a weird relationship with my mother, we aren’t very close emotionally as we just never really had the sort of relationship where I could talk to her growing up, and whenever she tried to act like we were close and hug me it was always for show in front of other people. As an adult I find it difficult when she tries to force us to be close and I dreaded telling her I was pregnant. Maybe, whether you meant to or not, there was a bit of you that sort of wanted to teach them a lesson?

You say they’ve never been interested in things you’ve done as an adult, did they attend your graduation? And do any of your siblings know you’re pregnant?

Yes you were fine taking from them as an adult . What do you actually want from them now ?

“Mumtobabyhavoc · Today 08:09
Lots to unpack here!
The most obvious, to me, is not telling parents about wedding/pregnancy because "I forgot" and "I didn't think they'd be interested." IMO, forgetting isn't a lie and neither is thinking parents wouldn't be particularly interested. I do think OP wanted to sort of stick it to her parents a bit, get a hurt reaction as needed proof they might care and also to hurt them the way she feels they have hurt her.
Hurt is glaring here, really.
I think the forgetting is a coping mechanism, it's a way to avoid communicating to her parents something that's important to OP for fear of not getting a loving, caring, supportive response so as not to feel let down and alone; so the lack of emotion in their very emotionally distant relationship isn't made obvious yet again and so that OP doesn't have to deal with that, stuff it down, pretend it's ok.
OP, it's not okay. 💐
Please find another therapist to work through this some more and help you navigate the myriad emotions you must be feeling and will feel as a new mum. 💕”

I voted YABU because I don’t think you forgot – I think it was a deliberate decision and you should own it. But i think it’s this. I think there’s acting out going on on both sides – your parents made job and lifestyle choices which meant they were away from you a great deal of the time from when you were young. That has consequences and it could be said that the fortnightly phone calls from your mum are also performative. Looking after someone materially is not the same as looking after them emotionally.

However, it does sound like in many ways your upbringing set you up well for life – you have a strong friendship group, a successful marriage and you’re starting the family you want to have. So I think your parents did do some things right for you and simply treating them like distant relatives perhaps fails to recognise what they did do right.

But I am picturing a young girl who notices her friends’ parents are around a lot more and are much more interested in their children and who’s hurt by that. My DH had a fairly detached relationship with his parents but would be the first to say that they were excellent grandparents and it may be that your parents can also rise to that challenge. Have you tried talking to your parents about this? Could ulu imagine doing so?

They gave you a privileged upbringing (we can discuss farming out to boarding school separately), but you lived a sweet & financially affluent childhood. It clearly stunted your emotional relationship with your parents, but if you’re not estranged & talk on the phone etc, why on earth didn’t you mention you were pregnant? ESP since it’s huge news & you’re so excited etc?
I’d mention that stuff even to complete strangers at the supermarket checkout.

Not telling your parents would indicate to me that you have a real problem with them. It's perfectly reasonable to have those feelings because sending you to boarding school has in some way, traumatised you. But I think it's disingenuous to say you forgot, you didn't want to tell them, again, perfectly reasonable if you don't trust them or like them. I guess it's what you do with these feelings going forward. Have you ever spoken to them about their decisions to send you away to school and expressed your feelings to them?