AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

That can’t be real. Im well aware that kids sent to boarding schools from a young age often don’t have warm relationships with their parents but there are basic things like wedding and birth of a grandchild that people understand are important to share even in not warm relationships.

Surely in your therapy you would have come across a concept that maybe that was what they thought is giving you the best opportunities, and out of not coldness or lack of interest in your life ?

Have you never spoken about your feelings to your parents, to explain how you feel or ask for what they think ? If not, you had some crappy therapy, I’m sorry.

are you on the spectrum ? Other than that I don’t understand how you can genuinely think that wedding / birth of a child are not important in a family where there was no falling out and no cutting contact.

I think you need to have more therapy pronto

But she never said she forgot she was pregnant, not sure how you managed to teach such a stupid conclusion.

You didn't forget to tell them about the wedding or the baby. You didn't tell them because you didn't think they'd care.
It's not the same thing
You didn't want to give them the opportunity to upset you by not caring

It's very clear to me that this is the case.

Some PP are seeing that OP had a financially privileged upbringing and are now accusing her of being spoilt and entitled for not repaying her parents financial investment with an emotional one.

I can't even imagine a childhood where you only get to see your parents a few weeks a year (and as a parent I cannot imagine choosing this for my son). You're effectively being raised by other adults and it's no wonder the relationship is damaged.

I think OP deserves some kindness, as based on the childhood she's described I can understand how she's got to a place where she's withholding personal information from her parents.

People seriously need to have a word with themselves when they say the OP wasn’t abused or neglected. They think because she was given material things and opportunities that she was nurtured and loved in the way that children need? I think the OP is absolutely the product of her upbringing. I’m
not sure exactly what her parents can possibly expect. I’m sure there are many parents who use boarding schools for their children who do not have a distant relationship with their children but they must have been making some efforts to know their children and their lives in the time they are together and while away.

I have many questions for you OP. My child has not been sent to boarding school and I can’t imagine not seeing her daily. I’d want to be sending care packages and letters if I couldn’t see her or phone her. I’d want to know who her friends were and who fancied who and what was the gossip. What music she was listening to and TV programmes she liked. This is the kind of nonsense I DO in fact chat about. You mention letters home but what response did you get. What happened when you were home for the holidays? Were you all together and what did that look like.

I think if they’re in your life and you speak to them regularly, you have to tell them these big life things. It’s disingenuous to say you thought they wouldn’t care. Even if you don’t think they’ll care to be involved with the pregnancy or baby, you knew they’d be hurt or angry not to even be something so major. It’s not a minor thing you forget to mention. Every time you spoke to them, it was a choice not to tell them.

If you want to cut them off completely, you’d be entirely reasonable to. But keeping a relationship with them means telling them the major things, even if you keep them at arms length for the little ones.

This is almost word for word what I was going to write.

If you have "catch up" chats with them once a week, it is not possible for you to forget they exist. Throughout most of my adult life, from leaving to go to university onwards, I only spoke to my parents once a week, unless there was something special to tell them about, like a wedding or a pregnancy, though those were actually announced face to face. That was normal for the time and does not mean we weren't close. Phonecalls were an expensive luxury.
I think you have to see that you are punishing them, or trying to. You feel very much that you weren't "seen" by them as a child so here you are, as an adult, trying to make them feel the same. Well, you've succeeded in making your mother upset but she won't know why you have chosen to upset her, so nothing has been achieved. But, come on, you're an adult and have been for many years. I'm not advocating "forgive and forget" - not at all, they sound like awful parents - but far from forgetting they exist, you're giving them an awful lot of head room and being harmfully dishonest with yourself.
You're about to become a parent. It's time to grow up. Get your own back by being a thousand times better at it than they were. Show yourself some respect and start being honest about your feelings. Weekly phonecalls with people you essentially don't like is not healthy. When you have the baby, you'll have the perfect excuse to cut down on them.

Ok I’ve just read your last post about your sister’s photo - I understand more now.

But there must have been a point early in pregnancy when you made a conscious choice not to tell them, and then suddenly forgot that you’d done that when talking recently.
It may have been a self protective measure for you and your baby, so you wouldn’t feel the rejection that your sister did. I can appreciate that.

There are different types of privilege.
While you may have had a financially privileged upbringing, I’m wondering if you missed out on the emotional support which you needed.

This. People don't "forget" to tell their parents they are pregnant or invite them to a wedding. You don't get to 30 weeks and suddenly remember you need to tell your parents. Having a baby and a wedding are monumental occasions. I find it (like most people on this thread), impossible it just slipped your mind. It's very clearly been done as a form of punishment and resentment.

And my parents never asked me when I was having kids. Not because they didn't care but because they didn't want to be intrusive.

No I don’t . I don’t bother having people in my life I’m not bothered with . If I was taking my mother out for a sense of duty I woundnt hide a pregnancy from her deliberately. I wouldn’t see the point . They are going to find out anyway . I don’t believe in being fake like that .

We had similar upbringings and have eerily similar catch-up calls (my Dad will also opine for an hour on the state of global politics). But, I think he’s awesome and enjoy the political rants.

The ‘I forgot because I didn’t think they’d care’ argument is bizarre. It only holds up if you also didn’t tell any acquaintances that you were pregnant/getting married. Those things tend not to be closely guarded secrets, most people tell everyone. Did you not tell everyone?

for some reason, I get the sense that the fortnightly phone calls are kind of you bringing them interesting little offerings, nuggets of perception and thoughts on uk politics, basically you trying to be what they seem to want, like the way a small child might show their parent something they found/made. Basically you are still trying to win their attention/love, and yes I can see how you could forget your own self and life in this dynamic.
Also I find this whole thread, some of the responses I guess, quite odd, I mean obviously few of us can relate to this kind of upbringing, but the OP is getting kind of scolded, told off and talked down to, like a naughty little child, told to grow up. Like she’s being parented, which is what she missed out on….
Your parents perhaps had/ have a belief that small children are boring and hard work, and maybe that’s why you have both forgotten you’re pregnant and forgotten to tell them. Yes to boring and hard work at times, but also incredible! Wishing you the absolute best, you might be shocked when your child gets to the age you were starting boarding school, I understand many people have no choice but that must be heartbreaking for a child…..

You sound spoilt and entitled. Your parents were very generous with you and you ought to be more respectful of them.

Looks like you were wrong about them not caring though doesn’t it?
Evidently your mum did care very much. Does this change how you perceive them?

My mother came to live in the UK from a European country and got married, she had very caring parents but a more formal relationship than people have now. She loved them very much and they her. Given the relatively high cost of international phone calls in the late 1950s/early 60s, you could argue there was a valid reason for writing a letter to her parents to let them know she was pregnant rather than phoning them - but I always marvelled at the detachment there.

Your situation is something more though - it just didn’t occur to you whatsoever to tell them. I know we don’t know you or the details of your life but your behaviour comes across as almost callous.

It's absolutely your choice, OP, and it's perfectly OK not to be close to your parents. Just live your life however you like, and keep your parents at a distance.

Oh give over. Do you not have people in your life you talk to out of a sense of duty. What’s she supposed to do, the nuclear option of just stopping any contact t? That’s terribly emotionally hard to do. What’s she getting out of it? That’s why you use someone to get something.

so I am using my mother when I message her and take her out for meals as I don’t want to do any of those things and our relationship is superficial. What am I using her for? The sick feeling I get for a day before I see her , feeling ill after I see her? I’m intrigued.

I’m not sure why you are getting a hard time on here - supporting children is what parents do irrespective of the level of assistance that’s available. Clearly your parents have given you a lot in terms of money, opportunities, networking etc, a lot more than most parents are able to but that isn’t really relevant. It’s what parents do. I don’t think you owe than anything because they’ve given you lots.

You sound numb OP. Like you’ve put your parents and your relationship with them in a box and locked it firmly shut. Too painful or difficult to open and look inside. Better just to keep it all on the surface, nothing too personal. I bet you’ve got really good at this over the years.

Have you ever tried recently to have a more personal conversation with your parents? Are you prepared to go there? Something has triggered you to post on here - maybe the prospect of becoming a parent yourself is forcing your pain to the surface.

What’s your siblings relationship with your parents like? Are they similarly distant?

I'm trying to understand these twice a month conversations. Do they ask how you are, what's going on with you? Or just start with what do you think about [insert current affairs]? And end the combo without actually finding anything out about each other?

@BeBreezyAquaFinch and yes you do sound quite toxic . Not once did I suggest that you didn’t want a child or the child wasn’t planned wherever you got that bizarre suggestion and what does a miscarriage have to do with anything . Have been there myself before you say I’m being harsh . No one forced you to take that flat in London and most 18 year olds manage to “fend for themselves “ without the bank of mum and dad . You could have said no and gotten a job yourself . That is what the vast majority of adults do.

I get the distance, even the forgetting they exist thing- out of sight, out of mind.

but surely, when your husband told his parents, and I presume it was a happy experience - did it not cross your mind to tell yours?

They have not been an important part of your life, it’s a bit odd that you speak occasionally and didn’t mention the pregnancy earlier.

I think this is a strange thread

I don't think that you have to be close to your parents at all and can still be distant from them if that's how it is. But yes I think it's odd not to tell them till a late stage. And yes I have trouble believing you forgot. And considering you speak so often as well....
But then I feel the same way about what you said about inviting them to your wedding too
I'm not really surprised she was hurt and upset

I understand OP, I have the same
relationship with my parents and I also share very very little with them.
people who didn’t grow up with this type of parents will never understand.
i also didn’t share my pregnancy until very late.
my advice: having a child is wild when you don’t have the blueprint of what a good parent is. But I am confident you will be a better parent than your parents were but find a good support system (whether paid through therapy or friends with good parents with whole you can talk things through)
good luck!