AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

You're getting a hard time because your family are rich OP and a lot of people think you should be grateful for that no matter what else was going on.

Because they're rich you must be a brat. You must be using them for money. You should be the one making the relationship work and fixing them. It's just ridiculous.

I don't think you 'forgot' to tell them, I think you probably just didn't care to bother - but maybe that's the same thing really. You didn't think they'd really be interested or think it was a big deal and you didn't want to be met with their disinterest. That's completely understandable OP, it's not normal, it's quite sad - but that's how your childhood was too,

If your mother gets upset or gives you a hard time just say 'I didn't think you'd really be interested.' She can take from that what she will.

I suspect her upset isn't from not sharing in your lovely, wonderful news but in the fact that other people will have known before her and how would it look if someone mentioned it and she didn't know.

I expect her upset is all about her and nothing about you at all.

I wonder if you’d get more sensible answers on a website for boarding school survivors - there may be a thread on Reddit for that?

It’s a type of emotional neglect/distance that most people can’t really understand.

I went to boarding school. I’m from a developing country so it wasn’t a fancy, skiing type of school. Quite poor actually. I saw my parents less than OP. It was tough at times and I became very independent. I haven’t lived in the same city as my parents since I went to boarding school and now I live in a different country.

I’ve still never forgotten I have parents.

we fell out some years ago (over something else) and I went NC. When I got pregnant, I didn’t tell them but I still thought of them.

im almost 40 now and I can accept that they did their best with what they knew and what they had. We have all worked on forming a new adult relationship and get on well now.

What the OP is describing is very weird and dysfunctional. But what do I know, I haven’t had “all the therapy”

Congratulations on your rainbow baby @BeBreezyAquaFinch Sounds like your ILs will be involved grandparents and your child will be very loved in a stable home.

My mother is similar in not caring about my life, any conversation was entirely focused on her though. She was never told of any of my pregnancies. Other family members told her when I lost my babies and she never once asked or expressed any sympathy. Speaking to her was purely obligation. I have no contact at all now. She has multiple grand children, she only ever cared about the first and she no longer talks to her either.

I understand what you mean by forgetting, when you are not given a chance to express anything personal or asked, it is more of a case of becoming disassociated from your own life while you are dragged into their discourse until they end the conversation. You tick off the obligation and return to your life.

Doesn't make you cold or bitter, just conditioned from childhood by the parents who were emotionally detached.

I think you are being deliberately cruel and trying to hurt them as revenge for your childhood.

I think you are holding on to some anger towards your parents OP, i can imagine your DH saying “did you tell your mum about the baby?” and you going “why should i? She wouldn’t care anyway”.
I have never really been supported by my parents, i have never been abroad, never learned to drive, i moved out at 16 (on my own wages) and have never asked my parents for anything and they never offered, so the fact that your parents cared enough to send you to a great school/college etc, get you a flat, get you a job, take you around the world, (probably paid for your driving lessons?) says to me they did care for you to make sure you had a great future full of opportunities, and honestly that is what i want for my children, i want them to have the world at their feet because they have parents that support them in doing all these things for the best possible opportunities as adults, i know this ment you didn’t see your parents much and that is imporant to a child- but as an adult with hindsight you can’t honestly say they didn’t care about you.

You said you didn't think they would care and then you state how they are interested in their Grandchildren.

You didn't forget to tell them - you didn't want to. I agree with pps that there are many unresolved emotions concerned with your feelings of abandonment and not feeling loved by your parents - unsurprisingly really. I hope that you are able to break this cycle with your own children. Perhaps letting your parents in a little would be a chance to support that change. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

Yeah, I hope this is something you will mull over once you've had the baby. Have a think about how your feel in her shoes. Tbh it's YOU that's coming across as the cold one not her,she must be heartbroken.

You absolutely haven’t “forgotten” to invite your parents to your wedding or tell them you are having a baby. However it’s understandable why you feel a way towards them that would cause you to not want to tell them. It feels like there is more resentment there than you are acknowledging.

Maybe "forgot" isn't the right word, but I can totally imagine "it somehow never happened".

In your case there was just no reason to talk about newly found pregnancy, it's a fragile thing, and they aren't the people you'd talk with about a miscariage, so you can wait for the scan as well. And, after the scan, you were welcomed on the phone with the political news question, and... And as the time went, the second scan was close, ...

I have much better, but still a bit shallow relationship with my parents. Weren't it for some practical aspects (I was planning to do something for them which they asked for and I was happy to do in the first half of the second trimester, but not much later) , I'd be telling them at 14 weeks at the earliest. As it went, my boss still knew before them.

Your mum being upset doesn't show that they "care". Maybe she just regrets she couldn't share the news with her friends earlier. Maybe she is upset about herself not having the family she might have wanted.

Your story is too outlandish for AIBU. You went with the established communication flow, it didn't happen earlier, shrug it and see what happens next.

@BeBreezyAquaFinch I don't think yabu. I wouldn't have bothered asking in here though. Only you understand the relationship you have with your parents.

I can't even imagine a childhood where you only get to see your parents a few times a year.

That wasn't OP's situation, though. She saw her parent for around eight weeks in the summer, three weeks around Easter, three to four weeks around Christmas, plus two weeks each for half terms. It's likely that she also had regular phone conversations with them and other odd days for Parents' Day, sports day, plays or concerts, etc. It's not the occasional fleeting visits you seem to imagine.

Whats your relationships like with your siblings OP.
Do you talk about how your parents are towards you and how you all feel about that?

Throughout your relationship did they ever show any actual interest in you /your life? Ask about work, your relationship(s), how things are going, your future plans, etc.? If you did tell them tidbits here and there unprompted, did they show any interest or just changed the subject/“that’s nice dear”?

If they never did , that’s how you “forget”. You are conditioned into it. Of course you don’t really forget, but there’s no point or “I have to tell mum/dad!” Kind of automatic feeling that a lot of people have and you follow the pattern, especially when it’s a chore. A lot of people won’t be familiar with such a dynamic though, so it’s inconceivable to them.

I see you not telling your parents as a power move, you don't see them as distant relatives - no one speaks on the phone to distant relatives they don't care about.
I think you'd like to see them as distant relatives, even so sharing pregnancy and wedding news is not usually considered very private business - you'd share it with a distant relatives if you were having a chat with them.
You have not come to terms with your upbringing, you are still playing a game - I'm guessing you played it all your life as a way of coping with what you perceive is rejection. At least learn to be honest with yourself. There's a lot more hurt to be resolved.

Is autism diagnosed anywhere in your family? I have several male friends whose relationship with parents is similar, but they all have autism. There’s a tendency to mentally list things to remember to say before the duty phone call. And absolutely no sense of ‘wanting’ to spend time with them, check in with them, see how they are.

A relationship where you have catch up chats is not a distant one where you 'forget' they exist.

You deliberately attempted to not invite them to your wedding, and you have quite deliberately not told them about your pregnancy..and it's nothing to do with how interested you think they'd be.

You have had an incredibly privileged upbringing, including a free flat in London and a job handed to you, as well as having an allowance.

I can only assume there is some resentment somewhere about neglect as a child, otherwise I genuinely don't see why you want to hurt and punish your parents by keeping major life events from them?

Saying 'You don't really know them' hasn't stopped you grabbing every penny and opportunity from them has it?

Perhaps do some work on why you simultaneously resent them, whilst not turning down all the money and opportunities presented to you , even as an adult.

Yanbu @BeBreezyAquaFinch your distant relationship with them is a perfectly natural consequence of having the most significant years of your development spent at boarding school. You are "lucky" in that your experience was not particularly negative or traumatic but still, the bond with your parents just isn't there, and that's ok. You are doing fine.

Don't try to explain all this to your parents. Apologise for the unintentional hurt you caused them, but without saying anything like what's in your OP to explain why. Just something vague like "everything has been so busy, I've hardly told anyone"

I hope you manage to develop a stronger bond with your own child and future further children, if any. You may find this difficult due to not having a pattern/example to follow so don't be shy/reluctant about getting councelling or family therapy to help if you need it.

No, she just said she forgot to tell her mum she was pregnant which is quite clearly bollocks - when you speak to someone regularly you don’t “forget” about your pregnancy 🙄

I can believe you forgot OP. I would imagine that if you were diagnosed with cancer it would not cross your mind to tell them either. We share with people who are a source of support to us- your parents by their own choices are not. Providing is not parenting, it’s great they gave you all those material benefits but they did it at the cost of their connection with you. If we were working all over the world, kids would be coming with us everywhere and sharing the experience, if it were too dangerous for them one of us would stay with them. Similarly, being retired and having more time hasn’t made them any more engaged in their children’s lives from what you’re saying. From what you’re saying they’re never really interested in your life, so why would you think they’d like to know- it feels like nothing about you is important to them, so then it doesn’t cross your mind to mention things that are important to you. You probably broke some unspoken norms by not including your parents in your life events but I don’t think it’s some horrible transgression. Your mother has every right to feel whatever she feels too, I’d be honest with her about why you did (be ready for pushback like on here about how providing life of privilege is all that matters) but maybe it can open up a conversation and make them realise that they are missing out. You mention they had tough childhoods- their generation didn’t do therapy like ours does- it might be that they would like to be closer to you and your siblings they just literally don’t know how- so it’s not that they’re disinterested just that they don’t know that it’s ok to be or how to express it. Maybe this situation will make them realise that treating grandkids pics as clutter is not the right way to go about things.

@Ceramiq "Your parents were very generous with you", materially, yes, emotionally though, they were absent, which for a growing young person is essential.

@BeBreezyAquaFinch this article may offer you some insight, it may help untangle your pain somewhat.

Enjoy your baby, a new chapter for you and your husband.

Come on, you’re going to judge her based off that phrase which may even be OP’s wording? Op becoming a mum = mum becoming a grandma. They’re the same thing.

Kept forgetting to tell them?? Bullshit. If you didn’t get on with them, fine, but that’s not the case here. Your poor mum. Final weeks of pregnancy should be all about you but given your actions, I think you need to involve your mum a little.

It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

If you talk to them once a fortnight, you clearly don't forget they exist.