AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

They don't talk to them. OP is the only one who tries.

Throwing out a photo of her grandchild and calling it clutter is a big hint towards it. None of OPs siblings talk to their parents is probably another. Both parents though not just the mother.

Did you tell your siblings? I find it hard someone's not mentioned it to your parents.

I don’t doubt that boarding school has shaped some of this as there is a lot of hurt but it is hard to see from your posts what they’ve done that is so wrong. Parents aren’t perfect. It sounds like they provided a lot financially and tried to provide in that way but were a bit more distant and less obviously affectionate.

I had my own childhood emotions to deal with when becoming a parent. My mother is schizophrenic and had many periods during my childhood when she was an inpatient and did really have to deal with some traumatic situations. I could have never punished her by choosing to forget to mention pregnancy or my wedding. There is something really deep seated there that is pretty toxic that you need to work through properly.

It may be worth remembering the ‘a few weeks a year’ tends to be ~18 weeks, plus exeat weekends, plus frequent phone contact.
Many kids, including me, thrive. However others, especially those who are sent too young (primary age) or have dysfunctional home environments, don’t.

When did you tell other people? This is what's odd about you forgetting to tell them about the pregnancy (or invite them to you wedding). Even if you're not close, this is a grandchild to them and it's pretty major news. Like moving house, starting a new job, getting married, getting divorced, a major health diagnosis etc, these are those headline news things.

When we told people about our pregnancies, I knew more distant relatives would find out through the family grapevine - we told our parents, siblings and grandparents directly then I know my aunts and uncles, cousins, etc found out. I phoned or texted friends, colleagues I told in person. We didn't make a big social media announcement but it was mentioned on there, not a secret, so I know my wider friend groups knew.

It is very odd that you didn't even mention it to them in a casual way. Like not even after the 20 week scan.

I know that some people like to keep a pregnancy quiet because that's their choice (eg mum at school who we had no idea was pregnant until she turned up at a group breastfeeding a baby) but that it doesn't sound like that's what's happened here.

It's obvs a symptom of the distant childhood you had but I think it's very naive to think this wouldn't matter to them.

I had gifts and well-wishes from such a wide circle way beyond anyone I'd have contacted directly - a beautiful teddy that we still have from an older lady at my parents' church, a hand crocheted blanket from someone who was in the armed forces with one of my parents, a hand quilted and embroidered quilt from my primary best mate's mum, and so on.

I think maybe you've vastly underestimated the impact of a new human being entering the world and all those spider web connections of people like the women mentioned above who are so excited through another person who is excited and loves you are part of that village.

I am sad for you that you've not had a close relationship with your parents and I don't think that bad parents or arms length parents deserve to be heavily involved in the lives of their children but even from a non-emotional administrative perspective, I don't know how or why it wouldn't even cross your mind to inform them that you were pregnant before the eleventh hour.

It is of course your choice to tell who and when but it doesn't sound like a choice was involved here.

They cared enough to give you a great education and stability instead of moving around. There are parents who would never invest in their children’s education, nor care if the children have to move all the time.

They made memories with you, didn’t just leave you on exeat weekends. I think you are cold and I’m hurt for your parents.

hopefully your other sibling is warmer and a bit more grateful

You randomly keep ‘forgetting about them’ when thinking about your wedding and upcoming baby. Yeah that’s a you thing.

On the small chance this is real, and not another boarding/wealth bashing thread, get more therapy.

I don't believe you genuinely forgot to tell them about being heavily pregnant or nearly forgot to invite them to the wedding. Sounds like you it's deliberate and you are trying to make a point but it make you sounds ridiculous.

@BeBreezyAquaFinch Did you ask your sister not to mention it to anyone in your family?

You sound so cold. Honestly that is so abnormal. Im devo I can't share with my parents Im pregnant.

I'm a boarding school kid and then grew up in a blended family. You don't always see the disfunctionality until later in life.
I would offer mother a cover story for the unintentional snub. I would write to her and lie/exaggerate my anxiety for the pregnancy after a precious loss at age 35.

@BeBreezyAquaFinch congratulations on your pregnancy. Hope all goes well. From your posts you seem to have a great relationship with your husband and you have already agreed to not send your child to boarding school.
Your childhood reads as though you were indulged materially and with everything money could buy. However your parents failed to spend time with you and presumably your siblings, developing relationships and nurturing you. It's sad to see they have continued this by not being interested in the grandchildren they have now. Hopefully you and your siblings are closer and your child will have great relationships with their cousins.
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and I bet you cannot wait to hold and cuddle your baby.

Some people are not scared by boarding school. But I bet a mention there will be more people feel abandoned than not .it's basically getting someone else to do your parenting more than half the year just with schooling added on .no one should be left to professionals to tuck them in at night .I can see why op feels no hatred after therapy but it's an odd way to bring up children

I was expecting to read something along the lines of abuse or neglect. Instead I see bank accounts being topped up, skiing holidays and wild parties.

My heart bleeds.

You haven’t addressed (or even acknowledged) most of the questions in that comment.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree . I can see you've inherited a lot from them . I'd be upset but I've been an involved parent .

You forget they exist, treat them as if they don't exist, and don't bother to tell them they're going to have a grandchild because you didn't think they cared?

The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

Where does the OP actually say this?

I dunno. I thought the point of therapy was to enable people to decide how they genuinely felt about stuff, not to make them feel how they "should" feel or how someone else thinks they should feel..... if they genuinely do feel disengaged and are comfortable with that they I'd say that the therapy has helped.

I feel for you OP. I don't have an emotionally close/ functional relationship with my parents and I know how it feels to keep big or important life events to yourself for fear of them being dismissed or minimised in some way. I can also relate to the horrible feeling when your parents suddenly make it clear that you have hurt them through doing this, even though you can probably think of dozens of times when you shared things (feelings, stuff you were struggling with, things you were excited about) and they showed zero interest.

In short, I totally sympathise with why you would keep something as precious as your pregnancy to yourself, but it's also not surprising that your mum is hurt. I'd imagine she and your dad have minimal insight into their own behaviour or your relationship, thought everything was fine, and this has been a shock to her. Moving forward, I would advise acknowledging her hurt (without berating yourself too much) and then keep them informed of any headline news (he's been born, he's healthy etc). Sadly you already probably know not to expect any deeper interest involvement than that. Try to remember that this isn't your fault, and they are the real losers in this x

I agree with this - get back in to therapy for you and your future child. Having a child puts a spotlight on your own upbringing and brings up really difficult emotions esp. when it was difficult - and yours sounds very sad indeed.

What sort of relationship do you have with your siblings? Did any of them know you were having a baby?

No hard time here but as others have said you didn't forget.

You sound like you are basically grey rocking your parents to slowly remove them for your life. I do this with ny narc GM she basically has nothing to say to me as i give her almost zero info about my life.

I'd personally get back into therapy because having a child yourself can really bring new perspectives on your own childhood (good and bad)
My dh found it very hard, s he had to confront how diabolical his "normal childhood" was...I actually found i had a new appreciation/ compassion for my mum despite my "dysfunctional childhood"

Only you know the specifics but a GC can be healing

Neglect and lack of nurture is still a form of abuse. In some ways it's worse because absence of something is still worse than someone doing something to you - physically, mentally or emotionally.
Whilst the OPs parents provided materially for her, they weren't present, involved parents. No wonder she doesn't tell them things - in some ways it's a little bit of power but her parents are reaping what they sewed!
My dad was one of four - his parents fed and clothed them and that was it! Whilst he didn't go to boarding school, at least, he also knew his parents weren't really interested in him or his siblings.
I would consider dropping back on the phone calls, if you would prefer, as they sound like a routine rather than bringing anything positive into your life.
Enjoy your little one!