AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

I thought I’d left it late waiting 4 months due to fear about miscarriage! By your stage, you’ve probably told people who are just acquaintances but not your own parents? You say you’re not bitter about your childhood but it’s ok to have negative feelings about it which I think you do. This lack of sharing info gives you a sense of control back, it’s not about forgetting your parents exist, be honest with yourself. It might be helpful to have a few sessions with a therapist because having a baby can bring up all sorts of emotions about your own family that you didn’t know were there.

I simply don’t believe you. In some twisted way you are gleefully punishing them.

No, it's awful. Shows no understanding at all. Lucky poster.

Others may have said this and you may already know this. Children are not in control of how they are raised. You may have experienced a lot of privilege growing up but a lot of the basic needs were outsourced. It really hits home when you become the parent and those choices are in your control.

You may speak to your parents but it sounds transactional and routine, almost like it is repeating those letters you sent as a child. Perhaps your detachment from your parents is because despite that written contact back then they never really made an effort to understand or provide a safe mental space for you.

Your parents may have been providing you the best they could offer because life was too hectic for them. They may have provided the best because it cost the most and in their world cost equals quality. Or it could be that that they were repeating how they were parented and really were unable to raise you with love, so detached from the process. You won't know unless you feel comfortable speaking to them about it. It sounds like your siblings have buried it and moved on. It doesn't mean that you must do the same.

Focus on the positives. You are going to be a parent soon and you have begun to understand the circumstances around how you were raised. You have a happy marriage and strong bonds with your siblings. You have also engaged with therapy and have made progress. It is worth continuing with that once you have the time again. Parenting your son will unearth more skeletons from your upbringing.

Whatever reason for the way you were raised. Your mum expected better access to your life updates. If she doesn't use it to be a grandmother and she just wants to know, it is more transactional in nature. However, because of the way you were raised and the feelings it elicited you may not have wanted to be ignored again, during periods of vulnerability.

Don't worry about being unreasonable. Sometimes we act as if to protect ourselves. Digging into the triggers will make you a better parent.

Kindly OP, I think you need some form of therapy. Your relationship with your parents is not what concerns me, but the fact you see that you didn’t think to tell them you are having a baby as completely normal, is very NOT normal.

I know others who have been to boarding school and have very difficult relationships with their parents. All are in therapy.

It is not awful though it is quite simply the truth.

Awful post.

I’m curious why you didn’t think your mother would be interested in news of a future grandchild? Even with the most distant, toxic parent/child relationships, this is good news to share, not just drop into conversation a few weeks before due date.

I understand your position, OP - but there's a lot to unpack here.

Firstly, it's not very 'normal' to forget to invite your parents to your wedding or tell them so late on they are expecting a grandchild. But, I think that pregnancy makes one question one's own family and upbringing.

This certainly happened to me. I had therapy when pg with my first because I suspected there was a ton of complex stuff to explore that I didn't want my child to be impacted by. It was really useful and it's something you might want to explore.

Secondly, I can understand why your mother was hurt but I also think it's quite common with this sort of English upbringing - kids packed off to boarding school etc - for the parents to frame their children's childhoods completely differently than how they really are. My DH is one example. His mother is very emotionally immature - DH went to boarding school at 8 and barely sees or speaks to his parents in adulthood (think visits once a year max, a phone call every couple of months). Yet his mother seems to think they are a 'very close family'.

You do realise people can name change?

My guess, OP, is that underneath (possibly far underneath) all the indifference you express here, you actually found your parents' approach to caring for you extremely hurtful, and that on some level you are trying to protect yourself from more harm (eg you telling them and they don't care) and maybe punishing them a little bit as well.

My husband had a similar relationship with his parents and was brought up by a nanny. On the surface he's absolutely fine about it, underneath not fine at all and it comes out sometimes. He also found it difficult to manage when his mum expected more closeness as she got older or expressed regrets about not having been around more- yes, she might have had a better relationship with her adult children if she had been present at all when they were small, but the adult children are not the people she should have gone to for sympathy about that.

I would encourage you to think about what sort of relationship you want to have with them (more or less than now) and how you get from here to there. You might also find it helpful to have some therapy especially if you're hoping to do things different with your own child.

I’m glad you are close with your siblings and that you all support eachother. It’s interesting that you haven’t answered my question though about whether you discussed telling your parents with them. Maybe you were influenced by what your brother had already done by not telling his/your parents about his own child until after the birth….either consciously or unconsciously. Although you have told them now. Are you expecting your parents to have a distant relationship with your child and is there anything you would want to do to mitigate that?

There’s no judgement from me by the way. We’re all products of our own upbringing.

I agree. I talk to my parent 1-2 a year (it’s a long story) and we have very guarded conversations where we often talk about politics rather than more personal things. I have had more profound conversations with someone at the bus stop.

OP congratulations on your pregnancy, you have a chance now for breaking the cycle - wishing you all the best.

Exactly this

I understand what you mean OP. Your parents provided for you in every way they could with money, but clearly there was no proper emotional attachment with them. No sitting down with your parents whilst you talked about your problems or feelings. When that happens in childhood you just naturally detach and that’s what’s happened with you.
As you said, they’re more like distant relatives. People who have good relationships with their parents don’t understand that feeling.

Very strange behaviour not telling your parents. A major life event? I mean you’d mention it to your neighbours in passing if you stopped for a chat.

OP I am curious what you said to your mum when she got upset?

also what kind of grandparents are they to your nieces and nephews? your mum sounds like mine, although we don’t talk nearly as often. My mother changed her attitude a lot when I had children. she became much more loving and interested. before, she never called or had any interest in my life. now we actually speak a fair bit, although it’s still a bit weird.

I used to work with a guy who went to boarding school from a very young age. He had the same sort of relationship with his parents and I remember him saying to me one day How can I love people I don't really know. I guess it's the same for you. You love them because they are your parents, but feel very distant from them. If your mum is saddened by that and that you didn't tell her of your pregnancy then she just has to own that the situation is caused by decisions her and your dad made when they were younger......and this is the result.

Let her get on with it OP, she made her bed.

Exactly! There can be some kind of emotional stunting from boarding schools, particularly if the parents are not very warm / engaged to start with.

There's nothing normal about not seeing your own children for the majority of the year, and on the opportunities you do get to see them, handing them over to relatives or older siblings to look after.

You explained it fine. Your parents cared so little that they didn't even spend the entire quarter of a year they had with their children actually with their children.

Most people are just trying to give you a hard time because you had a privileged upbringing, you dare to not treat your mum as your best friend, you are closer to your ILs, they are projecting because they aren't great parents themselves, they haven't read all your posts or they have no clue what it's like to only communicate with parents out of obligation and with nothing deeper than the weather discussed (I know your parents are very much deeper than the weather but the same emotional level towards you). Any or all of the above applies. Plus some just like to kick any OP.