AIBU to feel upset after engagement plans and seeing his grief?

@ihatesonic get rid of him. Who on earth puts a video on social media of themselves at a grave?!?!? He’s a nut job and apart from that yes it is far too soon you don’t know anyone that well in 12 months

Does he really love you or are you a woman shaped receptacle for the affection and love he used to give to his wife?

He sounds extremely shallow and self-centered. Posting gieving videos of himself on social media and involving all your kids so he can propose a second time in front of people are both very performative and attention seeking things to do. He needs to grow the fuck up before he embarks on yet another marriage, and I don't think he values you as a person. He just needs somebody, could be anybody.

He posts of a video of himself ‘grieving’ at his wife’s grave.

He wants to get all the adult children together so he can propose?

He’s moved on quickly from other relationships.

His wife died only 18 months ago.

It all sounds performative and insincere. I’d be very cautious.

The bereavement process, after losing a loved spouse, is an awful thing. It takes ages to learn to live with it. This relationship was rushed into. I’d slow down.

He seemed to hsve always moved on quickly from previous relationships (his exes)

How's that working out for him?

Honestly my primary age DC have clothes older than your relationship. His wife died recently, you don't live together, he is obviously still grieving, you've got DC you still support (I think from your OP). What a mess.

I'd be thinking about what you really want and if this is the right man and the right time.

It’s one of those ‘They say’ things that gets passed around on here as if it’s gospel. I suspect it’s to make people feel better that Steve was visibly scoping out the female mourners at Angela’s funeral.

OP, if you haven’t NC, you’re the second poster on here at the moment with a relationship of approximately the same length with a widower who is perturbed by his social media posts.

I would hate this lack of discretion . Why does he need to involve all the children in his proposal and why on earth is he publicly grieving on social media? This is his private life, and yours. Doesn't it bother you?

This weekend we bought an engagement ring. Wedding is planned for next year. He wants to get my and his (adult) kids together in the next few weeks to propose.

erm why? You have a ring, you’re planning the wedding already! You are engaged - why the cringe fest of others watching you pretend to be surprised by the offer of marriage??

Or is this something else he wants for the ‘gram - posted next to the last wife’s grave pic.

this is all v v strange.

He started a relationship 6 months after his wife died? And engaged a year after that? Of course he wasn’t finished grieving, and he was too weak to go through the process so decided to find a woman to prop him up

This sounds very, very quick and if you go through with this I think it’ll be really hard for you later down the line.

I mean TBF op as brutal as it sounds she's barely cold. Did you not think it was quick when you met and he said oh yeah my Mrs died six months ago?!

I have read this theory too, but no idea where as I read a lot of things around the subject when I was widowed. It makes sense to me.

I'm also curious about the video of him grieving at her grave. That's an odd thing to put online, imo. Is that actually common to share, these days? Personally, I'd find that a red flag in and of itself.

If you're feeling uncertain, there's no need to rush. You can take things a little more slowly. If this relationship is the real thing, it will last. If it can't withstand a little delay for you to get to know one another more thoroughly, it's better to find out now before entangling yourselves legally and financially.

That sounds like a nonsense theory! Where did you read that?

18 months?? Jesus, why can't men pause after they lose a spouse and why must they be trying to replace her? 12 months after losing a wife is FAR FAR too soon to start dating and you're absolutely crazy to consider getting engaged 12 months in. Your children seem more screwed on than you do on this. Slow the fuck down. Of COURSE he's grieving his wife. He's still in the midst of fresh grief. 18 months is nothing when it comes to grieving a loved spouse. There is a phenomenon of men starting new relationships very quickly after being widowed. Open your eyes.

Gosh, I missed the bit where he gets annoyed at you when you try to question things.

So we have a guy who is still grieving, you barely know him having dated for 12 months living apart, he has a history of rebound relationships, he gets annoyed when he's challenged and you've somehow agreed to marry him even though you didn't want to. You have disabled children who presumably you support and who rely on you.

This is bad. Really bad. I'm sorry.

I don't think either of you are in the right headspace for a committed relationship to be quite honest but he is DEFINITELY not the right one for you right now.

Yes, your instincts are correct.

Don't marry him.

If you are still together in two years, you can discuss it again then.

Constantly asks me if I am sure but gets annoyed if I ask him the same.

He gets annoyed?

And he thinks you're unreasonable to be upset at seeing for the first time how hurt he still is by his wife's death.

Does he often hear your thoughts & feelings as criticism and shut you down?

His kids and grandkids love me and he says I have brought them together in the last six months.

This is lovely. What does it mean that you've brought them together? Were they not handling their bereavement well; what have the issues been?

I agree it's wise to slow down. It'll be interesting to see how he reacts.

I am left feeling very much a replacement now. Like he just doesn't want to be alone

The way you feel seems likely to be accurate. There was never any need to rush into either a relationship or a marriage so quickly otherwise. You and he got together extremely quickly after his wife died - far too soon for him to have processed and grieved his loss. Don’t marry him OP. You barely know who he is.

I read somewhere that the happier someone was in their marriage the faster they are likely to move on once bereaved. However the fact you are having doubts now means it might be too fast and so maybe ask him to wait another year. Him wanting to recreate a happy marriage is not necessarily bad but it won’t hurt to wait a bit.

Well at the risk of sounding blunt, this is a car crash waiting to happen. Don’t be so grateful and actually put some value on yourself and your family.

Why rush?