AIBU to feel upset after engagement plans and seeing his grief?

You can’t move on in 18 months, come on now. Please don’t marry this man yet OP, you don’t know him well enough

It makes sense to me. If you're in an iffy relationship and your partner dies, why would you want to walk into another one? If your relationship was nothing but joy, then you'd want to recreate that as fast as possible.

It doesn't necessarily work out of course, but I can see the principle. It also explains why more men get married again quickly than women because more men are blind to the fact that their relationship isn't brilliant from the partner's point of view.

OP, listen to your instincts and your dcs. You are meant to be overjoyed when you get engaged, not full of spidey feelings.
Doesn't matter his situation or feelings right now. If it doesn't feel right for you and yours slow it right down. If he proves himself genuine good, if not better not to be married.
I lost my husband 6 months ago and honestly I struggle to get through the day.

It does all seem rather quick but that said there is nothing wrong with a very very very long engagement!! That will give you time to assess your relationship and be sure that you are both on the same page going forward.

What are the living arrangements post marriage supposed to be?

I'd be wary he was using you as both a a tool to get over his grief, and as a replacement service human.

Why would he need you to bring him closer to his own children and grandchildren? Becase he needs a working fembot to do the work for him?

I would think being at your deceased wife's grave would always be upsetting and it wasn't that long ago that she died. You are not in competition with her, but she will always have been part of his life, it's not like they were divorced and he was wanting to get back together.

This has disaster written all over it. Sorry.

I have actually found the opposite among the people I know. It's like they have been miserable all this time and are trying to grab one last chance at happiness.

Red flags are -

1. Social media posting the grave grieving - who is he trying to prove what to? Massive ick.

2. You mention you brought him and his grandkids closer - so I reckon hes possibly been a bit shit with looking after his grandkids (possibly his kids too) and since you've come in and hes upped the "fathery love" to impress you - but its not genuinely his nature. OR he's so lazy that he cant be bothered with his family unless you're going to organise it for him. Not sure which is worse.

3. He moves on quickly - why do you want a man like that? It would bother me to know that in all probability - he'd be dating 6 months after I'd popped my clogs. Did he miraculously find you after 6 months? I'm willing to bet he was looking before that, unless he struck it lucky and the 1st woman he laid his eyes on was into him.

4. If you haven't lived together - you don't really know all his quirks and oddities well enough to marry.

Orange flag (possibly only me)
5) You bought a ring together - so was this more like a general discussion that spiralled? If you'd been together 10 years - with intertwined finances and children etc... so decided together to marry and go ring shopping, I'd say fair enough (not very romantic though). However - seems odd for a new relationship that he wouldnt want more of a surprise proposal?

Let's put aside the fact that his wife had been dead for a whole 24 weeks when you met.
Lets instead concentrate on him putting an attention seeking post online of himself grieving over her grave. Where your children, his children, your family and friends could see. How old is this man?
It wouldn't be for me. Stop this madness. Look at why you appear to be desperate to create a family dynamic with his adult children. Are you competing with the dead ex wife?
It's just all abit grim.

I think we notice it with men, especially older men, as they have an advantage of being rarer. Seen it a lot. When a wife dies, the man has a whole group of women chasing him, especially if he has money.
The men tend to be looking for a cook and cleaner if their late wife did all the domestic work too.

18 months is no time at all for such a close loss. I think when you marry a widow, you accept that someone else is always going to have part of their heart.

I had an uncle like this, although he moved quick after divorces. He said he couldn't handle being alone.
Know quite a few people who moved on really quick after being widowed. Both male and female. One who had been married nearly 50 years was dating after 6 weeks and remarried after a year.

I’m surprised no one has asked this yet, but what happened to the mother of his children? Has he been widowed twice, or was he divorced when he married his late wife?

I just wonder if there is a pattern of him moving on very quickly. Maybe the reason his kids didn’t get on with his wife is because they feel their mother was replaced very quickly, whether that was after her death or their divorce - and whether they find you easier to get on with because they didn’t much care for the woman YOU’RE replacing.

In my experience it is exceptionally common for people (men and women) who have had a very positive experience of marriage to marry again fairly quickly. It is those who have had a negative experience, through abuse, infidelity or plain old incompatibility that take the ‘not going there again’ attitude.

The only thing you need to watch out for is the children’s response. They may be delighted their grieving dad has found happiness again. Or like my aunt discovered, there could be undisguised hostility. (Aunts eldest step daughter arrived at the house post father’s marriage with an ornate urn containing her mother’s ashes.. and plonked it on the sideboard as a wedding present. 🙈🙈🙈)

All I can think of is maybe it was to show her family who live a distance away. Some older people post on there timeline instead of messaging. Could have been a last visit. Only way OP will know is to ask him I suppose.

He posted a video of himself crying at his deceased wife's grave recently? Why would he post that? Why was he even filming that?

Or is it from when it happened but posted recently?
Do you not follow him on any socials?

It all seems a bit messy still.

Why rush into marriage? If he's a good one he will wait.

Normally people rush into marriage so they can have children or for a deathbed financial protection. Do you own your own house and he doesn't?

As for the graveside video or even getting the family together so he can propose is ICK inducing. Who does that? I fel he is love bombing you and once married he will drop his mask.

Your post resonates with me. Likewise the responses.

Based on my life experience, tread very carefully with this.

Do not rush into marriage. I would guess this chap doesn’t like being alone, is performative and you’ll regret marrying him … sooner or later.

What’s the rush?

You got together way too soon after he lost his wife and you’re engaged way too soon too. Your kids can see that. Slow it down, it doesn’t have to be over but what is the rush?

Of course he’s still grieving it hasn’t even been two years and he was only alone 6m!

IMO it would be a huge mistake to marry unless you want to invite more misery into your life.
And thats without the grieving graveside video.....

Your kids are right to be alarmed.

Fine to date if you want, but do not hitch your cart to this horse via marriage.

He's looking for domestic help and servicing plus a shag.

You have a difficult relationship history and still carry some caring responsibilities for your adult DC.
He has at least one ex plus a relatively recent bereavement.
Carry on dating him if he makes you happy.
But in your shoes I wouldn't be leaping into a marriage proposal (in front of your DC's? Why? Another video?).
I wouldn't have been sharing a graveside video either, but I think if you are in a relationship with a widow then you have to accept grief and memories as part of it.
He hasn't "got over" her as neither of them chose to end the relationship and 18 months is relatively recent.

Sorry op I agree with everyone else. He posted the video himself? Very odd. He should be thinking of your feelings.

He is the type to be straight on to the next woman if you split up. He’ll be engaged and marrying her within months so I wouldn’t worry too much about breaking it off.

Waaaay too soon, especially after a bereavement. What's the rush anyway? You haven't lived together yet. I wouldn't entertain the idea of marriage before spending time living with someone and seeing their day-to-day interaction with my kids. Is he one of these men who needs a woman at home to look after him? Put the brakes on a bit and see how he reacts to the news.