AIBU to feel upset after engagement plans and seeing his grief?

No. I loved my late husband to bits and chose not to quickly move on with another man as that wouldn't have been the best thing for my 11 and 13 year old dds. It definitely doesn't indicate you had a crap marriage if you don't instantly get with another man. It just means you think about your kids' needs, not just your own wants. No regrets.

Some people can't cope with being alone.
My mum's like that. She was sleeping with other men even within the marriage so I'm certain she would have moved a new man in quickly if she'd been widowed. Doesn't mean she had a good marriage. She was abusive to my dad.

Yes, quite. Why get linked financially and risk the security of your children for a man you are not even going to fully share your life with. Who would benefit from that?

I don't think either of you should be rushing into anything

Just carry on seeing each other

If this was happening to me I would call a halt and tell the man I would set a 5 year limit before an engagement. This would give time to find out about each other.

My Dad was widowed almost 2 years ago. He is still bereft by grief. I can't imagine him looking at another woman for a long time. He's no Prince among men but that seems normal and expected to me. If I lost my DH I would be broken for a long time. I find it pretty grim the way some people/men move on so fast. It feels predatory.

Why is he taking videos of himself visiting his deceased wife’s grave , upset in them, & posting them on line ??.
I don’t get that at all being honest .

I think some people can't cope with being alone.

You haven't lived with him and don't intend to live with him - am I understanding that?

Well why get engaged and married then?

Why not just be in a relationship?

And I’ve seen it happen. Several times.

@ihatesonic I wouldn’t want to marry a man who thinks others would want to watch a video of him grieving at his late wife’s grave. Does he always crave attention, even the ‘oh poor you’… stuff?

A wedding could just be his next move for seeking more attention.

Is that true? I don’t think if anything happened to my marriage. I don’t want to ever live with anyone again! Maybe I need to have a hard look at my marriage!

I'd want my husband to move on if I died but if he had a ring on another woman's finger when I'd been gone 18 months I'd haunt the shit out of both of them.

Yes, very performative/attention seeking and a huge 🚩

You need to step back for a couple of year and see how things go. It’s far too soon if he’s a widower. I know a recent widower and he’s rushed straight into a new relationship , same time frame. And he’s now removing things from his home, he’s in too much of a rush to please new partner as doesn’t want to be alone and not grieve and put himself first.

I get it now, seems fair enough.

Still how are you going to proceed with this relationship? I haven't changed my view that it is all happening too quickly and you have to consider your two children at home with you, whether they want to share a home with him.

This timeline is insane. His wife died, you guys got together six months later, have dated for a year and are now engaged?! What on earth?!

I agree with the other posts here. This man started to out with you 6 months after his last wife died and 12 months later wants to get engaged. You know he has a record of rushing into relationships after his previous relationships ended. You been shown a clip of him crying at his wife's grave.

He wants a public engagement. What age is he? This is like a some in there late teens to mid 20s or someone who's has an internet presence.
His family are happy about you getting married.

He rushed into this relationship and did not deal with his wife's death. He has been angry with you when you said you don't want a public engagement. My feeling is that he does not been like being on his own, misses sex and wants a woman to be there to do the washing, cooking and cleaning ect.
His family are happy about this. My feeling is that they are happy over this because they no longer have to deal with him being upset or his expectation that they will continue to help him or do things in his house.

You and him have not lived together yet and you don't really know what he is like. On top of this you have 2 adult disabled children living with you and you know that they are not happy over you been engaged.
I don't know the level of care they need but I don't think they want there lives up on the internet as part of his public engagement. They nay not want him posting about them either.

I think you need to tell him that neither of you are ready to get engaged yet. Keep going out with him if you want. Move in together and live with him. See what he is like then with you and your kid's.
He needs to realise it not just about him and what he wants.
If he can't accept this it over between you.

You and your adult kids deserve better than a man rushing into a relationship because he won't deal with his wife's death and can't cope with being on his own for a while after his wife's death.

A lot of men jump quickly back into marrying again after being widowed, especially after a long marriage. They can’t cope with being alone. It’s not always the end of the world as long as you are going into this relationship and marriage with your eyes open. He’s always going to have love for his first wife. It doesn’t mean he can’t love you, but I would take time to make sure he does love you, he’s not just desperately wanting the comforts of marriage again.

Personally I would take a small step back - enjoy the relationship for what it is, there is no need to get engaged and married so quickly. He can keep the ring in a drawer with the understanding it’s a “not yet” not a “no”. Give it another year. Have some nice holidays. Get to know each others families a bit more, become accepted as his life partner.

This situation all sounds rather odd - I'm not saying he or the relationship is dodgy necessarily, but it sounds like he is still emotionally all over the place; grieving late wife, proposing to you. It doesn't sound like he is in a stable place right now. I think you need to tell him it feels like you both need to slow down, things don't feel comfortable and as a couple you need more time before committing to marriage.

I think you are spot on here. He wants to fill in a 'wife shaped hole' and you fit the hole. I would not marry this man.

Who coined that one? Rio fucking Ferdinand?

You are allowed to say 'not yet' to the marriage. Just because he wants to it doesn't mean you should.

Take some more time? You will always have his late wife in your relationship though to an extent.

You instinctively know that this is too soon and just not right. Listen to your inner voice and slow this right down. There is no need to get married so soon. See how you feel a year from now and reevaluate.