AIBU to feel upset after engagement plans and seeing his grief?

So they will always live with you, is he prepared to take on that role considering he has never lived with you? How do they feel about you moving a man in? A man who potentially will be in some part responsible for their care?

If he marries you, will he have a claim on your house?

What is the plan for your children when you pass away or become infirm?

Sorry @ihatesonic this is quite messed up

Sorry, he’s not over his wife. Don’t split up but properly wait until you’re both ready. You shouldn’t need to be asking all the time if you’re “sure”. It also sounds like you have a complicated situation with your kids.

Don’t rush into marriage for the sake of it, it would be a huge mistake.

I know there are stats on people moving on quickly after bereavement. Where are the studies that say people in happy relationships move on more quickly than those who were in unhappy relationships?

Your partner started a relationship with you 6 months after his wife passed away. Now, I absolutely appreciate, if she'd been ill (I'm assuming), he may have done an awful lot of grieving prior to her passing. However, 6 months is still a relatively short space of time, and I don't believe anyone is truly ready for another relationship in that time span.

Unfortunately, men are more likely to rush into a relationship after a spouse passes or a relationship breaks down. It's often a case of 'any woman' will do', as long as she's willing to have a relationship now.

I wouldn't be getting engaged. You've only known this man 18 months, in within that timeframe, he's clearly still been grieving for his wife...as your son pointed out. Personally, I don't think your partner is ready for a relationship, let alone an engagement or wedding. By all means keep dating him, if you wish, but you need to slow your partner down. You both need to get to know each other properly before even thinking of engagements.

Apart from "loving him", what are the good financial reasons to marry him?

Tell me you aren't a homeowner with vulnerable dependents looking to financially tie yourself to a man that you've known for a year? Please?

They will always live with me.

OK, but you need a long-term plan. What happens when you get very old and can no longer care for them? What happens after you die?

If your plan is that they stay with you for several decades to come, then don't get married and don't move a man into their home.

As I said before, marriage is a legal financial contract - why would you give a man potential rights over your DC home?
In your position, you should not marry anyone until or unless your DC are living in residential accommodation and no longer need you to house them.

Of course, you can still have a long-term, meaningful and committed relationship, just not marriage.

Till you have been in that place of losing a spouse you don’t know how you will react

yes 6mths is soon. Equally I met my 2nd dh 9mth after my first died - tho wasn’t looking - happened naturally

tho I didn’t have kids to take into it

you do have doubts tho and getting a ring /showing you /kids seems weird before proposing

there is no rush and more important for you as you have adult kids who live with you

does he want to move in - where does he live now @ihatesonic

a pic by dead wife’s grave isn’t bad. I post a pic of dh and been 15yrs on anniversary’s

seems men move on quicker then woman

It all sounds a bit performative to me.
Performance grieving on social media.
Buying a ring in advance of a planned performance engagement.

I wouldn’t be enthusiastic about this at all.

Very much second this. My biggest concern and red flag by a mile off would be the fact he’s posting himself grieving at his wife’s grave on social media. I actually don’t care if I get flamed for this… it’s a VERY covertly narcissistic thing to do … garnering sympathy …that’s not at all normal to post that… you’ve said yourself you have a history of trauma which makes you vulnerable to an extent… I can relate to that… my advice… Watch him … that’s a serious red flag.

A multitude of studies on grieving and marriage after losing your spouse. You don't think people have studied it? Checked the stats?

Having been widowed, I can say it’s perfectly possible to still be grieving and move on at the same time. I think making plans to move forward with you is a lovely positive thing. He’s not rushing it and it creates a future. Enjoy it and try not to overthink. My partner died 20 years ago and I’m happily settled now, but I’m still allowed the odd sad moment to remember him.

Marriage is a legal financial contract, with huge implications for things like tax, inheritance, and property ownership. It is not just a thing you do because you are "in love".

You need to tell him that you are happy to be engaged, but you want to delay the wedding until you are ready to live together, which means when all the DC (his and yours) are adult and settled in their own homes. Then you will be happy to pool your assets with him.

What is the plan for your DC? Will they ever live independently, or will you be looking for residential care for them?
How old is his youngest DC? How many years until they leave home?

Kick the wedding into the long grass.

He will either dump you, because what he really is looking for is a live-in maid and 'support human', or he will respect you enough to wait.

Two things. Firstly it doesn't sound like you have been together that long. I think it's entirely appropriate to put the breaks on. This is the rest of your life after all. Why rush? His kids in particular will need to.e to adjust. Secondly of course he is grieving and this isn't going to change. I lost someone the best part of 30 years ago and still have days when it floors me and I can't function. That shouldn't be a reason not to marry him but go into this with your eyes open. He isn't going to suddenly not grieve for her in a year or two. You need to be on with this.

You got into a relationship with a man whose wife died 6 months before??

He is still grieving and will likely struggle for many years to come.

I wouldn’t end things but I would slow things down.
You say you’re not planning to get married until next year anyway so it’s not like either of you are massively rushing into anything.

How is it going to work in reality?
Are you planning on getting married but not living together?

What are your DCs views?
They obviously felt uncomfortable about seeing him at the grave (which is completely normal) and felt it was something you should be aware of.

If it was me, I would tell him that you do not want to get engaged until you’ve been living together for at least 6 months.

You feel like you’re being used because you are being used OP. Within 18 months of his latest wife dying he has met you, introduced families and proposed? And you’re not even going to live together? Why would you do that to yourself? And through a marriage he will have more rights than your children will should anything happen to you. You will be putting yourself and your children in a very precarious position.

A man will always replace a wife. If not you, it will be some other woman. Of course he’s move on quickly after each relationship, he doesn’t want to have to manage his own life and do his own cooking and cleaning.

This was my first thought to. Why on earth was this posted at all?
I wouldn't rushing into anything personally, is there really any need to?

This stood out to me too. What a bizarre thing to film.

Also, I really hate to be 'that' person, but how did his previous wife die? Obviously you don't have to answer that but if there was any ambiguity around the circumstances of her death then that should be something to think about.

The performative 'grieving' at her grave for social media, while simultaneously rushing a new woman into marriage is giving 'ulterior motive' vibes.

there's no reason for you to get married at all, let alone this quickly.

He doesn’t want to be single. He can’t be without a partner. This relationship is rushed, slow down. Discuss engagement again in another year or two. Will your adult children be independent or are you their carers indefinitely? Is their Dad involved as it’s a lot on you.

@ihatesonic why tie yourself to him financially and potentially put your adult children who are disabled at risk? Why??

If you aren't planning on living together, there is really no reason to tie yourself to him financially.

Put the brakes on now before it gets too out of hand.

Even if it were his idea to get married, you don’t have to say yes.

You can take some control and say it’s too much too soon. Nothing wrong with that.

It’s very common for men especially to move on very quickly after divorce or being widowed. They can’t face being alone.

I would gently say to him it’s all moving too fast and just enjoy dating.

Why get married again anyway? What for?

Waaaaaayyyy too soon.

No wonder the kids are underwhelmed.