AIBU to feel upset after engagement plans and seeing his grief?

I find it a bit strange he's putting it on social media and your kids are then showing it to you, but fair enough, they say there's no wrong way to grieve, and as an elder Millennial, grown before social media was all pervasive, maybe it's me that's wrong.
Wouldn't let anything online stop your plans if he's a good person and you're happy with everything IRL.

How did the researcher determine that the marriage was excellent and loving? Especially given that only one half of the marriage was available to contribute to the research?

I don't think the issue is the man falling in love or not, it's him consistently jumping into new relationships after his previous ones ended, rushing into engagement after only a year of dates, and OPs assets being at risk if she marries.

The truth is he will never stop grieving for his wife. That doesn’t mean he can’t fall in love with someone else. It’s unreasonable to expect him not to grieve at her grave op. You don’t seem to have any empathy for what they have all been through.

Slow down. Assess his impact on your own children and life. What does he bring? How does he fit in? Where are the issues? And assess as a third person looking in.

I think the opposite is true. The happier the marriage the deeper and longer the grief.

• The Happiness Catalyst: Wortman’s work emphasizes that men who had excellent, loving marriages are the most prone to this swift timeline. Their quick re-partnering is a direct compliment to their past marriage—they simply cannot tolerate the absence of the domestic partnership they loved so much.

I actually do understand this. I can see why this would happen. I have to say though, if I had died and my DH had moved onto somebody new as fast as that I would be devastated, even if it was a compliment to our relationship in a way. I actually would have hated the thought of him being with somebody new BUT would have understood, and not expected him to stay alone for the rest of his life, regardless of how I felt about it, because the rational part of me would realise it isn't fair to inflict such loneliness on the person you love if they may still have another 40 or 50 years ahead of them. I do think it depends how old you are when this happens though. Might feel different if you are 86 rather than 46.

It is all very messy. And very very sad.

This. 5+ years on? Ok be happy. 6 months?? Haunting you forever.

Why would you post a video of you visiting a grave on fb?

For example

Dr Camille Wortman’s Grief Research
Dr Camille Wortman, a leading expert on grief and professor of psychology at Stony Brook University, synthesized decades of bereavement data. 1]

• The Timeline: Her research highlight showed a stark contrast in the first year of loss. In the very first 12 months, 54% of widowers engaged in a new romantic or sexual relationship, while only 7% of widows did. 1]
• The Happiness Catalyst: Wortman’s work emphasizes that men who had excellent, loving marriages are the most prone to this swift timeline. Their quick re-partnering is a direct compliment to their past marriage—they simply cannot tolerate the absence of the domestic partnership they loved so much.

Give it and year or too, he may be grieving but still capable of moving on. She’s not coming back.
I would put off the wedding for a couple of years.
It’s all very fast.

I think your instincts are correct. He needs some time alone to grieve.

My DH died just under 4 months ago, aged 46, and I have some insight into what your partner's thought process might be. There are a number of things and it's fairly complex and I think you have to be fully comprehending of this stuff to get where he's at in his head.

Firstly, the fact he is deeply grieving his late wife does not mean he doesn't love you as much. You and his late wife are two different people, but what it probably means is that they had a good relationship and because of that he craves the same again. If they had had a terrible marriage perhaps he wouldn't be so cut up about losing her or so quick to be with someone new. It's natural that he is grieving not just the loss of her, but also the whole 'being in a relationship' way of life, and I think that's why he has moved on so quickly with you. Probably incredibly lonely after losing his wife, missing the companionship, missing having someone to 'do life with', being part of a team, being best friends, probably suffering with 'skin hunger' (it's a thing, I currently have it badly - missing being touched, missing sex, missing physical intimacy, cuddles etc). Having all those things and then suddenly losing that person is incredibly traumatic. He will also be thinking about everything she has lost, and that in itself is a whole other pain that mingles in with the rest.

He is never going to stop grieving his first wife, he loved her and visa versa, and they didn't split up, she died. The end of their life together was not a choice, it was forced upon them. He will always miss her and think about her, so that's something you have got to be okay with because it's natural and would be a disservice to her if he didn't. If you suddenly died he would be the same about you I'm sure - and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to forget you or put all his photos of you in a cupboard because somebody new came on the scene, that would be horrible, and cold. He needs to be able to grieve and that could be life long - HOWEVER, it absolutely and categorically does NOT mean that he loves you less. I have no doubt he loves you very much. Those two things are co-existing inside him. For myself, I do believe I have the capacity to love somebody new one day (although I have very complex feelings about that) but it won't change the fact that I love my late husband and always will forever. It would feel like a massive betrayal to put my love and memories of him aside to suit a new person in my life - what sort of person would that make me? And the same with your partner - surely you don't want to be with somebody who can just forget about someone they loved because they have died? You wouldn't want him to forget about you if the worst was to happen?

What I am getting at is that the fact he is still deep in grief is normal and shows he has depth and integrity. I would judge somebody who moved quickly on but then seemed to bury all thoughts of their previous spouse, that would be really cold and unfeeling.

I do think getting into a new relationship 6 months after the death of a spouse is too soon, but I can see why it would happen. Loneliness and the craving of that companionship and love and intimacy - it is really fucking awful to lose that, it's so so awful, beyond describing. So I think you need to give your partner the space and time to grieve and don't take it personally. You have to understand he will always carry that grief - but it absolutely does not mean he doesn't love you just as much. I think getting into a new relationship that quickly probably does complicate the grieving process because I don't think he's given himself enough time to process his grief before you came along, but I guess that is something you both now need to muddle through. I do think that getting involved with somebody who is widowed is quite a brave thing to do, and you have to understand what you are getting yourself into, because there are emotional complexities involved that there wouldn't normally be in a straight forward relationship. I actually think to myself, who would ever want me now, a woman who is still in love with her dead husband? There are photos of him everywhere, his stuff is all over the house. But I still have capacity for love, loads of it. I don't think people who have been widowed should be consigned to a life of loneliness forever because they once had a spouse that they loved. It just takes the right person with understanding to help them move forward in life.

To answer a few points, we will not live together full time. That was not the plan because of my caring responsibilities.

So why marry if you don't plan on living together? You can stay in the relationship, you can be engaged but why marry? It's a financial and legal contract so what do you get out of it, what does he? I just don't get that part. Either way wait a few years and if you both feel the same after 5 years or whatever, then go for it but right now it spells insanity and heartache.

This makes you and your children sound very vulnerable. If you go ahead and marry this man, he moves in eventually and then you pass away before him, what do you envision happening to your children? He could potentially quite easily make sure that they are left without anything, especially if they are in any way intellecutally disabled. Your primary responsibility is towards your disabled children, not this man and his children.

I am worried by the pattern of the video at the graveside and the public proposal in front of all your children. It feels a bit performative. I understand that you have been alone for a long time but maybe slow this down a bit? Also, consider whether marriage is the best future for you and your DC, if they will always be dependent on you.

Yes, but what people are asking is what actual studies correlate speedy male remarriage with male happiness in a previous marriage?

It's thrown around the place on here with the same dopey, unquestioning authority as 'You have to spend three months salary on an engagement ring!' and 'The arrow on your dashboard points to the side your petrol tank is accessed from!' Often by the same people who thought that the Channel Tunnel was an aquarium-style glass affair from which you could wave at fish on your way to and from France.

I've never seen a source. It gets associated a lot with a dubious Mormon 'relationships expert' called Abel Keogh, who has made an entire career out of remarrying after he was widowed, writing endless books called Dating a Widower, Marrying a Widower, Life With A Widower, and at least two memoirs about his own experience of remarrying after his wife died, and how that works in the afterlife. But as his entire career depends on widowers remarrying, I wouldn't see him as likely to be that invested in peer-reviewed studies.

If you're not even going to live together and you have disabled children who will need long term support, why do you need to get married? You could have any kind of party you want, a commitment ceremony, anniversary party where you have a nice frock on and all your friends round, a church blessing if you're religious, or just carry on as you are. Your children are unenthusiastic, he's not over his late wife. You may as well say you want to hand him half your disabled children's house. It's bad enough if you divorce but if you die he could do anything - contest wills, make it difficult for your DC's etc.

A couple of posters have written the relationship is 18 months old but they've only been dating for a year, very very quickly after the wife died.

It’s too rushed. You don’t know someone properly at 18 months, especially with the fact he was widowed not long ago. I say you could get engaged but do not marry for some time, maybe even a couple of years. Marriage creates a huge mess of complications if it doesn’t work out. You don’t just forget someone after 18 months do you. Of course he will still love his wife that died. He may never stop.

I think that's massively simplifying to extrapolate to them being happy marriages. We know that marriage statistically increases men's happiness and decreases women's, so it remains likely that these men are looking for replacement domestic woman appliances rather than trying to recreate a genuinely happy marriage.

He wants someone to wash his socks and pick up his dirty underpants from the bedroom floor. Why get married or live together? Fuck that.

When are you planning on moving in together?

Surely this needs to happen before you even consider getting engaged.

If this relationship benefits you then I wouldn’t end it.
The majority of women on here are in relationships with men who realistically just didn’t want to be alone/were horny and then the feelings came later (for some).

I would just slow down a bit.
There is no benefit to you getting married, so what’s the point in rushing it.

Sorry OP. I voted YANBU to be upset.

But in reality I think you have been unreasonable to expect a bereaved man to just magically fit into a new relationship with no after effects of grief, attachment to what he had before, the long process of grief etc.

Men do seem to develop new partnerships startlingly quickly after bereavement. And it seems not because they are ready to ‘move on’ but because they look for a woman to support him, take care of his emotional and other needs, The new partner is part of the process of grieving, not a ‘fresh start’ .

Have a think about why you were so keen to accept the idea of marriage when? If I read you right, you haven’t even lived with him yet. With flashy public ‘proposal’

And have a serious calm talk with him about his life and feelings.

And obviously put the whole idea of marriage on ice for at least another year.

I don’t remember where I read this but it was explained as men who have had a positive experience of marriage wanting that again.

I wouldn't be attracted to a man who leaps from one woman to the next. Or one who was seeking out a girlfriend such a short time after the previous wife died. It would make me deeply uncomfortable.

Do you have your own property and financial independence? Would marriage put that at risk?