AIBU to wonder why women still accept unequal relationships?

This is not my experience at all. However, to decide whether a relationship is equal or not, you do have to look at everything, not just selective picking.

Yes, women tend to be the main care giver even when working FT in a career. However, men are more likely to do any house maintenance and deal with tradesmen, and frankly, I'm glad my husband deals with this because I found much more boring and stressful than to manage my kids.

Ala, you are not taking taking into consideration women wanting to be in control. The 'you don't know how to do it properly so I'll just do it myself' brigade, when the man is just doing it differently but her way has to be the only way.

And I agree that a solid marriage doesn't gave to be absolutely equal all the time. My experience of the best marriage is one when for some years, one does more but at a later time, it's the other way around.

I mean , it’s not exactly rocket science is it?

Some women were raised and conditioned to be like that.
Some women have very low self esteem.
Some women have traumatic pasts.
Some women really, really want children and/or a relationship.
Some women don’t want the stigma of being a single parent.
Some women are trapped for various reasons.
Some women want to be in control so it actually suits them.
Some women settle/overlook bad behaviour because it’s not “that bad” if everything else is ticking along nicely.

I could keep going.

Careers for women were very limited in the 1930s. Either you became a nurse, a hairdresser or a shorthand typist. Those that were able to go to university ended up teaching in all-girl grammar schools and stayed single.

Women weren't appreciated in the workforce until WW2 when they filled in the gaps that the men had left by going to war.

It wasn't until the contraceptive pill was invented in the late 60's that women had a choice about how many kids they had and how they would be spaced. It was originally invented for married women who had several children and didn't want any more.

It wasn't until the 1970s that a women could have a mortgage in her own right to buy a property. And then, they had to get a male relative to guarantee the loan.

The attitude "why send a women to university because they are only going to waste that education by leaving and having a family?" was prevalent until then.

Fortunately these outdated ideas are no longer accepted but it seems to me that some women are still "selling themselves short"

This is spot on and a much more pertinent question than the one originally posed by OP.

There are so many posts on these boards about idle men who won't "step up to the plate" and take on their share of the load (mental as well as physical).

I don't think that these guys suddenly become couch potatoes when the kids arrive, they were, IMO, all idle and selfish from the get-go.
My first husband was lazy and selfish but because he was a shift worker he wasn't there all the time and I didn't really notice it. He said that shift work made him tired. So I asked him to come off shift work, which he did, but nothing changed.

I started calling him out on his lack of effort and, guess what, he had an affair and left for someone who was more compliant and was happy to be a "sexual housekeeper".

Thank goodness I never had any kids with him !

Marital rape was made illegal in 1993

My Grandmother wasn’t allowed a credit card or to be listed on her mortgage

My Grandparents told my mum that there was no way they’d support her going to university as she’d just get pregnant

if you think women since 1926 had just as many rights as men you are deluded.

I see your point.

A lot could be achieved by making counselling mandatory before marriage. Not after, anyone who wants to escape a marriage should not be forced into the same room with a possible abuser.

But six months of counselling should be mandatory before getting married. A couple of hours every other weekend to discuss outright and make it crystal clear where you stand on housework (with every single chore listed and discussed), finances, children, fidelity, childcare, extended family involvement. Every last thing. And if you don't do the counselling, you don't get to get married. You can still live together of course, have kids, but make marriage something people have to attain, which always makes it more desirable, instead of just something any fuckknuckle can do on a drunken weekend.

I truly, honestly believe a LOT of women would shy away from marriage once the groom-to-be was forced to actually state out loud his selfish wants and lazy bastarditus, and they actually had to discuss that in the cold light of day. And if he did turn out to be an abject liar, at least she'd know he flatly lied upfront which would hurry the booting him out process along.

I think a big part of the problem is that when we love and want someone women have a habit of simply lying to ourselves. What if we put marital expectations under a microscope and make it impossible to go in blind? Just a thought.

In a way, it's an even better question to ask why do men get in to relationships. Many men seem to be in a relationships with women they don't seem to like, and choose to have children they don't appear to want, just for what? Their housework done and the chance to have a bit of sex early in the relationship??

In my experience & social circles it’s like this:

• The men are nice! Kind, sensible, sensitive, responsible, competent, fully on-board with equal partnership. Have female friends, good relationships with mothers / sisters, know how to cook and clean and generally sort their lives. All green flags.
• A baby arrives! For a couple of months the man is doting father, hands-on dad etc. Enjoys the fun bits of parenting, sees all the dull admin and drudgery as optional stuff his wife is obsessed with, having apparently become an uptight control freak since having the baby.
• Husband continues his life more or less exactly as it was before but doing a less housework (because he’s busy training for a triathlon), and not cooking anymore because what’s the point as the baby will only eat nuggets, and not doing the food shop because he doesn’t know what the baby is eating these days and his wife has all these opinions about it… and he silently and secretly judges his wife for letting herself go, neglecting her hobbies and fitness, etc
• Wife tries to address imbalance in mental & domestic load, husband feels attacked, sulks, withdraws, wails ‘I can’t do anything right so why bother’
• Wife stops doing various things in the hope husband will ‘step up’ - and he doesn’t, and the kids suffer, and she’s the one who gets the blame & judgement & disappointment when the kids miss sports practice or don’t have clean uniform or a costume for WBD or whatever
• Before long mum and dad can’t stand one another.
• Separation / divorce is expensive, disruptive, involves kids changing schools, it’s clear husband will make the process as difficult as he possibly can regardless of impact on kids
• Lots of pressure on mum not to selfishly break up the family / deprive children of a father / etc all because of some arguments about housework

Etc happily ever after

Women are not ‘accepting’ this like it’s OK, or because we’re weak - but men are fucking selfish, and will prioritise their own comfort and ease the moment anything gets difficult or boring. Even the good ones, even the lovely well-brought-up sons of doting MN mums of boys.

And someone needs to make sure things get done, and sometimes staying with a useless mardy man you have come to despise is a better option than separating and trying to co-parent with someone who makes a point of being unreliable.

Are you for real? Have you ever been in a Muslim household? Have you not seen how their boys are lauded above all others? Treated like little Gods.
And the result is exactly as expected and will continue to be moving forward unless somehow dramatic societal change can be brought about.

One problem is, finding a relationship isn't like buying a car. You can't review all the models and filter by your needs and wants. You meet one person, OK you dump them, you have no idea when or if you will meet someone else. You might meet someone else, they could be worse. Or more likely better in some ways, worse in others. And time is so so short. It slips through your fingers.

Yes, being single is great, but I think it's disingenuous asking "why do women even want to be in relationships".
I don't mean to say we have no agency, because we do, but you have to consider each of us is decended from a million years of ancestors who liked sex and having babies, so it's no wonder our genes are that way as well.

100%.

I get that, it’s not perfect (but nothing is) but it’s not the unacceptable behaviour - if you see what I mean?

Well I suppose by perfect I mean unacceptable behaviour, but also there's shades of grey there. There's many types of levels of this.

This is the best argument ever for not having kids until you've been together for at least 5 years and you're in your 30s :)

But that won't even help. I was more picky in my 20s because I still hoped to find a great guy. But the time I was in my 30s, I met a guy and was just desperate to be with him. He was OK but nothing special, but the draw to be with him and start a family was so strong. Yes of course I didn't have to do it even so. But it's hard to turn down a meal when youre really hungry.

It's not really flattering but it's the truth, we are driven by biology and when we want to eat, rest, have sex or have a baby, nothing else seems important.

Not consciously! 😁

But I have been lucky in that we have maintained a friendship with him and over the years we have had frank discussions about the split and life since.

He's a widower now and we are still in regular contact, mainly about our adult child.

This is the best argument ever for not having kids until you've been together for at least 5 years and you're in your 30s :) Today's young women do seem much more reluctant to marry early or have kids, some just don't want them at all.

I love my adult children more than the entire universe and could never wish them out of existence. Nevertheless when I see young women rejecting the whole shebang I think "Yep, good for you." and hope they don't do a U turn later if the hormones kick in 😂

Also, when you are young and in the mood for a relationship, you start liking someone or fall in love, you are driven so strongly to be with them, no matter their bad qualities. It's like asking why people are obese, why don't they choose not to eat. They could, but it's hard when your body is screaming at you to eat it. It just seems impossible to resist. And that's the same with a relationship. When you thinking about someone, there's no telling your brain "that's not logical".

A few years later it wears off, by then you're set up with a house together and kids.

My opinion is that it's because that is what is on offer, and many women really want to have a relationship and have children. I see where they are coming from, personally I've found having children amazing and yeah it's worth being in a pretty average relationship. Making a point by refusing any less than perfect man wouldn't have been worth it.

As hard as it is doing almost everything, there's still something good about having a partner. Whether it's not having to do at least the few things they do, another adult in the house to keep an eye on the kids, physical affection or another income coming in.

You're attempting to redefine the parameters of the question. Your relationship with him now is he is your ex husband, you no longer have to tolerate him around you, or your kids when at home. You have not, in fact, put up with his nonsense.

Your kids now know that this behaviour is intolerable. You did not put up with his nonsense, so you're not the target demographic under discussion.

I agree that it is difficult to leave when you have kids, and agree the OP doesn't know how it feels to feel trapped with a lazy arse of a man with whom you have kids, there are a lot of threads to that web.

But I did indeed make my ex regret the day we met - because he certainly made me regret the day I met him. And I wish it had not been necessary, wish he had just been a decent human being. The only other option, beyond booting him out earlier, was to be a doormat and try to manage him and blame myself and wonder what I was doing wrong, as so many who write into this site do.

So instead when he simply would not do his fair share and refused to stop making me into a miserable slave, I made his life as hellish as he made mine. Which is not the best outcome in that scenario, just kicking him out would have been the best outcome. I'm glad you did. I'm glad I did too - eventually.

THIS.

TBF, your response is barely related to what I posted, and it does seem as though you've placed a very woman-blaming interpretation on what I actually said.

It's not about 'women wanting to put their kids to bed', it's about women prioritising their children's happiness and stability over their own desire to have a more equal relationship and lessen their personal workload.

When shit (or even, TBH reasonably average) men choose not to step up, women fill the gaps because they feel a greater sense of responsibility towards their offspring, and, by association, the family unit.

Whether that is biology, societal pressure, or simply being better, more emotionally engaged parents, is hard to say, but reducing it to women wanting to put their kids to bed is a massive oversimplification that really doesn't do justice to the weight of responsibility most women feel for their children's happiness.

This is borne out by the vast difference between the number of men who don't see their children vs women and the stats regarding child abuse and neglect between fathers and mothers.

Women don't want their children to suffer or go without simply because they have a father who will happily priorise his own needs over those of the rest of the family.

And, pragmatically, if they're going to be doing all the work of raising the children and keeping the household running, a semi-useless man who can at least be relied upon to bring in a wage and do occasional jobs is often more appealing than one who is paying the bare minimum in child support and messing everyone around with unreliable contact arrangements and leaving essential pieces of uniform at the wrong house.

And I think THAT is what we actually see in countless threads here - women who will suck up their partner's poor behaviour for the benefit of their children because (abuse aside, of course) kids generally do better in that situation than they do in the aftermath of a divorce.