AIBU to wonder why women still accept unequal relationships?

First of all the definition of an "equal relationship" is not some universal standard. Equality doesn't mean taking turns cleaning the bathroom.

simple answer, programming- this has such a long history and is so ingrained in everyone's behaviour it is very difficult to swim against the stream, sometimes.

I mean have you read half of the posts on mumsnet? I despair at the positions women put themselves in.

Yes it’s men’s behaviour, but also so many women making poor choices.

Blame the burglar….., but it you don’t lock your doors it’s also on you.

Its on women to make sure they protect themselves.

@VoltaireMittyDream has hit the nail on the head. I see that scenario playing out time and time again.

I am seeing a movement towards more women and men speaking out on the subject as it’s becoming clear that women of this generation are feeling the squeeze and have clearly had enough.

At home, we talk openly about this societal norm that the mother is seen as the “default” parent and household project manager and what we can do to make sure our daughter doesn’t continue to believe this is her destiny and that my son doesn’t treat a potential future partner in the same way. However, this only came about because I was completely and utterly burnt out from my husband being one of the classic “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it” types and I nearly had a breakdown. We’re putting strategies in place for everyone in the house to “notice” what needs doing rather than waiting to be told like a passive player in the family.

I think there needs to be explicit social discourse on the whole subject as it’s crippling so many families.

Personally speaking, although of course personal choice, I respect women far more who are financially contributing to their families through hard work over those who choose to rely permanently on their husband financially to fund their lifestyle.

Over a thousand years of custom and societal structure building.
We are nowhere near equal yet- although equal salaries are possible it is unbelievably hard to achieve and still very rare. Men are beginning to treat women more fairly , but it is slow and will mirror the earnings and equality.
As women we still put women below men every day in our thinking and actions - it is is still almost automatic. It took thousands of years to build this inequality it will take more than a couple of generations nto get rid of it.
My own mother was at a parent teacher event and was asked what she would like to have done if she had the choice- had 6 sons she replied- I was standing right there, she thought nothing of it, refused to apologise because as far as she was concerned she had done nothing hurtful.

Wow, so crying a whole family is “weak”?, Very victim blaming.

Are you a woman @Tinnybinnylinny ? If so re you single or in a relationship?

Im a woman and single, in part because I’ve realised that even my relationships with “good” men are unequal in the way you describe but having done lots of self reflection and therapy I understand because that is how I manifest caring, which is a choice. Ultimately most woman want the people they love to be happy, and their kids to have a good life, so they end up the bulk of caring/organising because the men they are with just don’t care bout this stuff as much, so what is the alternative?

Yes we need to raise our standards and our young men better, but no need to blame women for caring.

Anyway one massive factor is that relationship inequality is basically down to internalised traditional gender roles. Gaining equality means actively unlearning them, for both men and women. But SO MANY women (and men obviously) are... stuck on them. Or they like the bits that benefit them so they accept the bits that don't.

Look at all the threads here about men being protectors and providers. Or every single thread about a man's earnings, or his stinginess, that I can't imagine anyone saying about a woman. Or even a lot of the threads about men's mental health - every time there's a situation where a man cries or reveals emotional vulnerability, there'll be posters saying it gives them the ick.

Essentially if those traditional gender filters are how you choose your partner then you'll probably get the full whack of traditional gender assumptions and end up with someone who expects you, the woman, to handle the entire domestic load while he goes out to his big job to provide for you. That would have been your choice.

I don’t think a lot men have the same drive and desire to have children that women do and give in to pressure to have kids there not bothered about

if there was a blunt conversation before kids about the expectation to give up work and a the childcare stuff I think a big chunk of if men would opt not to have kids and be happy with that
instead they go ahead and have kids that there not really bothered about for a quite life and have no intention of picking up what’s involved

I assume some don't want to, some want to be mums and live off husband's income. But, as I said, if you choosing this path, why not make sure you have rights and is respected?

This is a very odd question. Let me break it down for you:

• Afghanistan - women have zero choice, not even considered fully humans
• West - women have choice in pretty much everything that happens in their life

No one should be blamed for having issues but it is not hard to work out what is best for any woman is stay financially independant from a man, why dont women stand on their own 2 feet and act like a grown up

There's a lot of posters confusing "women are responsible for what men do" - obviously not - and "women are responsible for what they do, and what they accept in their lives".

Thing is while social conditioning etc etc obviously exists and the work of undoing it on a societal level is ongoing (and feels even more difficult than ever in 2026) - no one is going to step in to fix any individual woman's unequal relationship. Only she can do that.

You can't really blame someone for having issues but what really baffles me - why not get married? If you want this sort of trad set up, why not do it properly?

Are you incapable of seeing the different options available to women in a western democracy where we have education and financial independence versus a fundamentalist theocracy?

Do you think the way men treat women in Afganistan is the women's fault as well? Or are we responsible for what men do - just here, in this part of the world?

There are some women who have daddy issues and it seems go from one man (or lack of one) into needing another to care for them like a surrogate parent, and I presume lack of intelligence and in some cases independance, then children grow up knowing no different as they lead very insular lives, and the cycle continues

What baffles me is that a lot of women accept a relationship where they have zero rights - moving into a house they have no rights to, giving up their career and having multiple children with someone they are not married to. Being totally dependent on their other half financially, being treated as a nanny and having no say in anything. This happens time and time again! Where is their self respect? At least marry first before having children, or if you dont want to, dont give up your own house and job.

Both of these can be true. And if men show no inclination at all as a cohort to change their behaviours, whining “what about the menz” when the only actions available to women is their own intolerance of shit, is pointless.

I do think women have more agency than they want to admit, and many squander it when they become mothers. In part I think because they’ve never had to seriously negotiate for what they want in a relationship and get another adult to change their behaviour as a result.

why are women still raising male children to treat their partners/wives like crap

what am I reading?! You’re blaming mothers for the actions of their adult sons? How about men are accountable for treating their partners like crap despite their mothers teaching them not to.