AIBU to wonder why women still accept unequal relationships?

Been there and got the t-shirt !

When I finally had an epiphany and told 'D'H to "shape up or ship out" he found himself another mug woman who would accept him.

It remains to be seen whether she will realise what sort of a "catch" she's got.....

I tell any young female (who will listen) not to even think about having a child unless they are prepared mentally, physically, emotionally and financially to raise that child alone.

I tell them to skill up so they have something to fall back on if things go pear-shaped (and not some 'mickey mouse degree' either). I'm thinking about useful practical skills eg;hairdressing, beauty therapy, IT, admin qualifications, Health Care Assistant, dressmaking/repairs/sewing/tailoring.

I know of two females whose "D"Hs left them with 4 kids for another women. another who's husband collapsed and died one night leaving her with 2 teenagers.

None of us know what's around the corner.

I come from a. Developed East Asian country. What’s striking is that the relationships back where I am from are all very equal, dads are equally hands on and everyone is in equal ish jobs.
i see much more inequality in the uk, including in my own marriage. And my friends back in my home country who are married to English husbands are also suffering from the inequality ( even worse because their husbands are used to helpers and literally don’t do a single thing for their kids/with their kids)

This is really interesting. I divorced my ex for a few reasons but I slowly realised that he'd been manipulating me for years to get the life that he wanted, whilst I carried the emotional load - with huge sulks and gaslighting if I didn't. Even now, years after the divorce I shake my head at some of it. A couple of things; I quickly realised that as a divorced woman, I had lost status amongst some friends, family and acquaintances but most of all I realised that carrying that load had been like having an extra child - I did not sign up for that and from starting out as equals, he had hijacked my life. Many women I know accept this because they too don't want to lose the status of being married.
A good friend thinks that we should re-write fairy tales - instead of a young woman looking for a prince, it should be a young man searching for a woman who will do all the stuff that his mum does for him......😙

think society puts us all against each other so much and instead we should be reminded we’re a team and it’s hard on all of us (and I used to be a sahm and it’s as exhausting as work btw!!!)
This is so true. If as parent we can give one lesson to our children is to tell them that life IS tiring. Having children, working, managing every day life is exhausting and it affects everyone.

It feels like people get into commitment and children with rose tinted glasses. The cute pictures, the family get together etc...and then reality set in, they resent it and need to blame the other because it's not what they expected.

Fathers do get as tired as mothers. Differently maybe but still tired enough that they can't just take over.

That’s OP’s point none of this was a surprise he didn’t become like this over night
but you carried on had a relationship and kids with him
when he wasn’t suitable in the first place place not fair on the kids or him

Laziness is important but being considerate of others more so. I am a very lazy person buy partners, friend, family never realise that. When in my own space, just me, I am very lazy. But when living with others I curb that in as I want to be considerate of shared spaces.

When we got together DH was fairly lazy(more lack of care really) and so was I. I was lazier than him in fact, and he used to do a lot more housework than me. Then we had DD and I changed, with some things for the better, some for the worse. For various reasons it took him quite a long time to catch up .

If you see domestic inequalities as a kind of abuse you can see that over time the abuser will test boundaries to see what they can get away with. There are also considerable gender stereotypes at play e.g the regular tasks that have to be done every day are seen as women's work and the occasional outside ones as men's. Splitting the number of tasks or home/outside domains or men doing the more physically onerous tasks gets bashed as a fair split. Women are seen as having higher standards so take over cleaning (because they know they are the ones who are judged for the state of the house). The biggest change/cause is maternity leave. Women are at home men are at work and women take more of the domestic tasks as at home more. They also take on the majority of the childcare and the mental load of planning family life, anticipating their child's developmental needs and the stuff they need. Some women don't go back to work some go back part time some full time. But it's quite rare for the responsibilities to be split fairly whatever the woman's work situation. She maintains the oversight of family life and it's minimised because it's not paid and a lot of it is mental. The work situation will also often give men the financial upper hand and make it harder for her to leave and house children independently particularly if her career has suffers from having kids. Women will often pay for the children's things and have less money to save to leave as well while the man has plenty for his hobbies. Many women don't leave because they fear that their partner will neglect or abuse their children too. That is a massive factor too.

But you said children, so you had more than one with him, knowing how shit he was with the first?

"Once you're in a relationship with a lazy partner and have children with them, it's very difficult to just walk away."

Social pressure/peer pressure is huge.

most women want kids and single mothers are vilified.

It is measurably changing though. That's why we have more women opting not to have kids or relationships with men.

Marriage rates and birth rates are declining. Women are statistically more likely to instigate a divorce.

Rather than looking at where we are now, id genuinely like to hear where you think things will be in three more generations.

Well a relationship doesn’t start out that way, it starts out with fun warmth and connection, laughs and fun conversations and one being there for the other but both forget that as the shit keeps being loaded on in life- bills, health stuff, tiredness, responsibilities.

I used to blame lazy men but saw a few posts recently where women with young children were giving out that their dh does everything wrong do they have to do it- in all three posts the women co sleep with young kids and the dh sleeps in a separate room and I thought well if you take responsibility for everything from the start and call everything wrong and think only you can do it at what point is he suddenly going to become an equal parent?

Another two posts where the women said all their dhes do is work and then come home claiming to be tired- but they are tired- we’re all tired after a day’s work! In that case both were SAHM or pt and they felt the other had it easy where I guess the dh thought they had it easier! I think society puts us all against each other so much and instead we should be reminded we’re a team and it’s hard on all of us (and I used to be a sahm and it’s as exhausting as work btw!!!)

"It seems it’s biology then. I think it’s that women want to put the kids to bed/ read the story etc….and men can take it or leave it (I caveat not all men/all women). So all the laws/ policies in the world won’t make a difference."

Well obviously not otherwise it'd be exactly the same situation everywhere in the world and in every time period. There may be a biological element, but it's obviously cultural as well. It's changed so much just in my lifetime.

"This is not a reflection on their relationship with their father but a biological thing."

It's not biological because adoptive mothers also take on that role. If it were biological it would be linked to giving birth and breastfeeding.

Yes and then she left him too. They had children together. He now lives alone.

I think women often think these things are more important than men. My DH is a very involved father and does plenty at home but he isn't as invested in the ins and outs of parental WhatsApp groups/who DD is friends with/which teacher she has got for what subject/recent teen crisis etc. He tunes it out quite effectively. If you add all that to full time work and driving to extra curricular activities, it isn't surprising that women feel like they are doing it all.

I do sometimes wonder if my mental load issues/house admin are more about my desire to get everything right like some kind of continuous parental exam. He had 50/50 custody of my step children and was involved in collecting errant school shoes/PE kits but he didn't see it as his failing if it transpired that we only had one of a pair of school shoes at 9pm. I'd be furious that we hadn't worked it out better while he would calmly drive to collect the shoe or (and I couldn't live like this) get up super early and get it first thing in the morning.

I've got more like him as time has passed and if it turns out we don't have food in the house that can make a meal, I don't stress and we pop and get some. 10 years ago I would have equated that with failure and now I don't. I'm still on it some of the time but it turns out if you forget something it isn't as catastrophic as I used to think. Plus I no longer debate if coats are required or feel responsible for other people's missing items. The mental load feels less and when I make mistakes (I paid for a school trip twice recently) I sort it out without feeling bad.

I totally agree with this. Laziness amongst the infinite list of some men’s misdemeanours might seem a minor flaw. But it isn’t really, is it?

And there are equally lazy women.

I just couldn't alter his mindset.

I really think women need to see this and stop. It’s a common joke “women marry men hoping men will change, men marry women hoping they won’t.”

Both are unrealistic. I think if you have to “alter somebody’s mindset” you should not be with them in the first place.

We'd only lived together for a short time before I became pregnant. He'd masked many things until that point.

Well that’s a big part of the problem 2 people generally have different standards ,different ways of doing things thing’s and put different priorities on things
to one person just throwing the washing on the rack is fine it will do there not expecting anyone else to do it there happy as it is then on the rack
some people are happy with a very low standard and are reactive rather than proactive
time and time again there’ll be a thread about a DH and very little housework and then not done properly with the comment he was always like this
the guys done nothing wrong happy to live like that then the conflict come when he doesn’t change
nether are wrong there not compatible

and before TTC if you want the man to go PT it should be be ironed out then and if it’s a no it’s no kids
same with fiancees the amount of people don’t sort that before the start trying for kids is ridiculous and to be blunt it’s there own fault

but yet the desire to have kids overrules common sense they plough on them it’s everyone fault but there own it’s a shit show

One of the key things I’ve learned if you want an equal marriage is to get a man who has a good job but also just is not lazy. Not lazy in school or university or in his own home environment when living away from home.

DH is a real worker inside and outside of work, my own parents were both really hard workers but also committed misogynists but there was a real obvious balance in workload albeit gendered for my parents and not so gendered for DH.

That work ethic is something that really helps in these situations because they may not be perfect but laziness means a woman has two character flaws to overcome both misogyny and inherent laziness.

Now if they turn that lack of laziness to an iron man or such like when you have young children then you still have a problem but you need to keep an eye out before marriage for that one. But laziness is an awful flaw.

I guess this is what I often find amazing. I get why it’s hard to leave. But surely he was lazy before children came along? Were you hoping he would change?