AIBU to have rekindled things with ex husband behind our children/family’s backs ?

I’d worry about how your DCs would cope if you got back together and then you split up again. Or if you started squabbling again, don’t underestimate how upsetting it is for kids to be aware parents are arguing.

Perhaps “together apart” works for you? I know one couple who did split up then get back together after a couple of years, but he’d taken a job based in another city, so he stays in the other city 3/4 nights a week then comes home for weekends, this two home life seems to work really well for them. (Not sure how well retirement will work!)

Try couple’s and individual therapy. You said marriage was toxic because of stubbornness leading to arguments. I think you both can learn ways to deal with that, it could lead to a fulfilling relationship so try therapy.

Well, you can't hide it forever. Imagine if your kids found out accidentally? And at the ages they are, that's more and more likely to happen as time goes on. They might feel betrayed, and as though they can't trust either of you.

I agree with pp - couples' counselling seems like a good idea. If you really want to try again, then stop seeing each other secretly, and go to a few sessions of couples' counselling instead. Before trying to be together, you need to find out if you're just going to end up in the same place as before. At the moment you have no real expectations, responsibilities, or demands on each other - the dynamic is entirely different. That will change if you're officially in a relationship, and old problems will likely resurface, even if you're living apart.

If, after couples' counselling, you still want to go ahead, then as you already have houses set up, and living apart while being romantically involved seems to work, then why not just be together openly, while living separately? It's unconventional, but your children are at an age where they should be able to understand and happily accept that mum and dad are together again, but get along best with their own space.

Yep, this is good advice.

There's nothing to feel guilty about as your children don't know and won't find out unless you choose to tell them, your body is your own to do with as you choose.

Get into relationship counselling with your ex quick smart and figure out if you actually do want to be with him, or end it completely and just be exes.

Waiting 7 years is nonsensical and horribly unfair to him. Also, he won't wait 7 years, obviously, he'll find another relationship instead.

I agree with others, carry on living separately and dating, and consider getting some counselling to help you avoid repeating former negative patterns.

I toyed with this with XH for awhile.

In my case, I realise with hindsight that he's utterly vile and it was a bit of Stockholm Syndrome and fear of being alone on my part.

It's so risky to involve your children in an attempted reconciliation. Especially when they're settled and you don't seem to have really got to the bottom of why you broke up in the first place and - most importantly - how things would be different second time around.

I think you're right to back right off and wait until the kids are 18. I ended up doing exactly the same thing and didn't have to wait long before XH showed his true colours and reminded me why he's an ex. I was finally able to break free properly and get on with my life (which is better in every possible way).

Well, can't you have a relationship without moving in together. It keeps things fresh and edgy. I understand your concerns and that's how I would play it. Tell the kids you're just enjoying being together sometimes. They're more resilient than you realise.and you've had a good relationship, throughout. I think there's love there.

There was a period where my mum started getting interested in my dad again - but after an extremely nasty breakup and 11 years apart. My mum was very fickle, though and she'd already broken his heart once. So I got very scared. Sure enough, she met someone else and soon kicked him to the kerb! Lucky break, I believe!

To add to that, it would be much better for them to have you be honest with them than them catch you out or be picking up on vibes which are confusing them.

Can’t you guys just date again, nobody needs to know until you work out whether you are still compatible. Go to counselling at the same time, live separately, but date.

re-evaluate in 6 months before making a big decision, then see how it looks then. If it works then perfect, if it doesn’t then no harm no foul.

I think honesty is the best policy. Your kids aren’t tiny, they’re old enough to understand a conversation that goes along the lines of ‘mum and dad still love each other, and we want to try getting back together. We will still have our own houses for now so not much will change for you two, but it means we can spend more time together as a family and see how it works out’. And really try, like REALLY try to make it work, both of you, with professional help from a counsellor. I’d imagine your kids will be over the moon. And if it does all go tits up then their lives haven’t changed massively again, as long as you keep your same living arrangements.

Then don’t be stubborn this time. People can change.

It sounds like you’re enjoying your own space still. I doubt it’d be the same if you lived together again. Why not just rekindle the relationship but keep separate houses? No need for a big drastic announcement, just see how it goes.

Personally I wouldn’t do couples therapy and dredge up old wounds if you’re in a good place now - I’d only only do couples therapy before moving back in together.

If either you or him got a new partner, that would also be hard on them too. You love each other, I say go for it, just keep the separate houses, so it isn't too disruptive if you do break up.

See now to me this is an opportunity.

You could continue what you're doing without living together. You could even get it out in the open (although I suspect it would take some of the fun away!).

I reckon you have the perfect situation - getting all the fun with none of the boring (relationship killer) day to day stuff.

Keep doing what your doing. It's working, everyone's happy. DC won't be disappointed if it doesn't work out. You avoid the extra pressure from other people knowing and having to live together and deal with the everyday mundane and stress that makes relationships hard work. It sounds ideal.

You don't have to tell your children you are having sex again. They really won't want to know. I can't see that oare doing anything wrong. Keep going and see how you feel in a while.

This is what I was going to say. You both have separate homes, you can keep it that way. You don't have to jump back into living together and being a married couple.

You don’t have to repeat your previous marriage OP. You don’t have to live together, you don’t have to get back into the same patterns. Maybe you can do things differently with some insight from counselling.

I think you just need to be very honest with the your children.

We’re going to give it another shot because we have feelings for each other, but we can’t guarantee what the future holds. Were taking it easy and just want to be boyfriend and girlfriend for a while kids.

I can totally understand how you feel and it’s good you’re considering your kids. It’s ok to explore this again, if it works, your kids will benefit greatly.

It works because you can leave him at the door. You need to remind yourself why you split up. My advice would be to have marriage counselling and take it from there address what and why the problems occurred before. Not until then would I even entertain telling my kids they’ve been hurt already. Good luck OP

Do your kids need to know? Can’t you just explore this at your own pace and not tell them you’re having sex again? You can still kind of date each other, and also at least sometimes have the family time together. This is what I would do until I was more certain it can work out long term - and had some counseling! Also, if you two work better living separately, why not just do that. You don’t ever need to go back to the exact same arrangement you had before and which lead to your divorce.