Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

It's finding the balance - hence many of us saying delay - make sure DD2 is serious and really wants to do it and it gives DD1 that continued head start - but if it's serious ambition that doors not closed just delayed.

Its not jealousy - he is really pleased when his brother does well, he just considers himself rubbish.

I've seen that as well- it's slightly better as we have three so it's less obvious plus they've all struggled at times then got better so lots of tortoise and hare analogies.

A lot of the pressure was external well meaning people even family commenting and drawing unhelpful comparisions.

Honestly though I'd use money or time or places as an excuse and delay and if it persists - then reconsider.

A lot of people on this thread seem to identify with DD1. But what about DD2? She has done nothing wrong, in OP's words she's sweet and supportive of her sister. Whereas DD1 has been actively unkind to her out of jealousy and even says she hates her. Why would anyone think that such behaviour means that she should also be allowed to effectively control DD2's decision to try ice skating? That would actually worsen the dynamic between the girls IMO and sends all the wrong messages.

That's a tricky one. It isn't unreasonable for DD1 to want to spend some hobby time on her own. But it would be unfair to say that DD2 could never learn ice-skating, especially if she could attend a different class to DD1.

However, it wouldn't be unreasonable AT ALL to restrict the total number of hobbies each child has at any one time. Most families can't afford for their children to have multiple extra-curricular lessons per week and even if they could, I don't think it's ideal for children to spend all their leisure time in structured activities instead of learning how to amuse themselves.

I think you need to let DD1 have this for herself, apart from the strong possibility that her sister could end up beating her in competitions in a couple of years, both DDs need an opportunity to make their own friends and not to feel they come as a package.

I think seperate hobbies is best, tell DD2 that she's already doing lots of stuff, or that you want each of them to have time making friends without the other sister there - whatever you think is best.

Obviously you need to work on DD1s self-esteme - it's a tough one.

I was the smarter little sister, with 12 months between my brother and me, and he really resented me. We don't have much of a relationship now.

My friend had a similar issue and decided to hold the younger back for a year so they wouldn't be in the same classes or competition categories. It's been an unexpected really positive thing for their relationship as they enjoy going to competitions and supporting each other.

I would see if there are options for something similar. Another option is to limit the number of activities each child does and they might decide not to drop one to start another. I don't think just banning them from it is fair though.

Its not jealously. Its a feeling of relief of not being compared for a short period of time. Being able to form relationships as your own person, not one of a pair.

There is 12 months between DC1 & DC2 and although not similar to yours in terms of abilities etc, they really did need some time away from each other as they were very close &liked the same things but also needed something that was just 'theirs'. I fully support them having different hobbies just so they can have something as 'theirs' rather being a shared activity or hobby. If I was you I would not let DD2 join, she can do something else & DH would completely agree too.

Ok call me a coward but personally I would tell the younger one she can do it but the class is full and you’ll put her name on the waiting list. Then try desperately to encourage a separate passion for her (ideally at the same time as the ice skating class!) that way its no one’s “fault” and buys you a bit of time to find something else she enjoys or build up DD1s confidence. If after a few months she still asking well then I guess you probably have to let her do it.

Rather than letting her join the hobby, its the holidays, just take her for a family ice skating session you all go to. She gets to have a go without encroaching on DD1s activity.

I was DD1. My perfect sister was allowed to join in the one thing I was good at, and quickly got better than me. I quit because what was the point when I was overtaken after so much practice. Pretty much stopped all hobbies at 13 to avoid the feeling of being useless when compared

Never think of kids activities in terms of careers. Only one in 9 million kids do that. And there’s not much career progression in cheer leading anyway.

This sounds like a very sensible compromise,. although the last comment is unnecessary.

I'd say it was insecurity / feelings of inadequacy.

I agree it's difficult to know how best to handle it. I think, as others have suggested, it might be best to try to sidetrack DD2/ delay a decision for a while.

I have 2 DS 18 months apart. DS1 is a natural at loads of individual things. DS2 has poor coordination and motor skills. If they go together it eventually ends up with DS2 just being so disheartened as he is actually trying and working harder than DS1 and not getting anywhere. Its really eroded his confidence and self esteem to the point he doesn't like to try anything new. Its not jealousy - he is really pleased when his brother does well, he just considers himself rubbish.

He's always going to be mediocre at things and I cant lie and tell him he'll be good if he keeps going and tries hard as he won't. I do celebrate small wins though and I've found something he likes which his brother doesnt, so we are pursuing that.

I would speak to both kids to explain to DD1 that DD2 isnt doing it deliberately to hurt her, and I'd explain to DD2 why DD1 is upset. Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for. But you could decide to keep it a seperate activity to give DD1some confidence.

Like i said I dont see it as jealously, its a self esteem issue for DD1. To give some perspective, my DS2 is 18 and still suffering from self esteem issues, its not something to just 'get over'. And I've spent his childhood praising all his snall achievements, because I can see the effort he puts in and the problems he has to overcome just to do thibgs most people see as 'normal'

Yes, that was an absolutely disgusting comment to make. There is no reason or excuse to want to “humble” a young child. Especially a girl, and especially not when OP has said she suspects that she simply wants to be closer to her older sister by doing a hobby together. A vile thing to say, and a vile sentiment altogether.

I can’t see the issue here tbh

As parents we purposefully stop children from doing some activities all the time. It might be money. It migut be time. It might that we think it’s too dangerous. Or it migut be that we want our dcs to have a hobby/sport that is only theirs.

Im sure in that case the dd2 has things she does and enjoys that dd1 isn’t doing.
Its fair that dd1 is also having that opportunity.

It’s also pretty normal fur a parent to protect the self esteem of their child. Like let’s say you would leave your dc don’t an activity where they are bullied. Or where the coach constantly puts them down. That’s not much different even if there is no malicious intent. What’s important here is how hurtful it is for the dd1.

You could also say a similar thing but opposite, if the OP allows her youngest to join the sport then she's prioritising her youngest needs over her eldests.

I feel for you OP, it’s hard. My youngest DS is excelling at everything, life, friends, hobbies. My eldest struggles more due to asd, she is smart and maths was her special interest. Now my youngest seems to also be very very good at maths, and part of me is hoping he doesn’t do as well in his GCSEs as her so that at least she has that. Even if he just gets an A or B instead of an A*. I feel awful even thinking it.

I agree with you - at this age I would gently steer dd2 in another direction. In a couple of years if she’s still interested she can still do it and DD1 will be far enough ahead that they won’t be in competition.

We also have two girls and the older one has felt threatened by the younger one at various stages. We have tried to be sensitive to this rather than force DD1 to get over her distress/discomfort.

It’s not jealousy I agree.
Its the hurt that she is the older child and yet her younger sibling is always better.

Differences in abilities between siblings are easy to navigate, esp when they are that close because they see each other as having the same abilities.
Having a sibling that is always better in everything is hard to deal with for any child. It’s much more if a self esteem issue than jealousy.

I think you may be being naive as to the youngest’s motives here. The youngest has presumably known about this hobby since she was what, 2? (Given you stated that DD1 started aged 3). It’s interesting that youngest now wants to do it “having seen a film” and not because she wants to spend time with her sister or anything similar.

I personally would tell DD2 that sadly the classes are full and to find something else, maybe ice hockey or similar if she’s sporty. If DD2 is being genuine about wanting to be close to her sister, then you and your husband should be actively avoiding things to make it worse.

Allowing DD1 to have a hobby of her own that she’s been doing 2/3rds of her life is clearly not the same as saying DD2 can never excel at anything, ever. Just that parents should be doing what they can to foster positive relationships between siblings. It is also clear that DD1 will continue work on her self esteem and definitely needs to have consequences for being unkind to her younger sister.

But that is the reason and if that’s what op chooses to do, she needs to own it, that she’ll purposely block one child from doing something to prioritise another.
look at all the supporters she’d have on mn if she makes dd2 feel shit!! 🤔 like @Yetanotherone12 has said..
who knows, it might humble dd2 a bit and boost dd1’s confidence that there is something her sister isn’t automatically better at.

Does DD2 already have one hobby she does without her older sister? If so, maybe you can argue that as she gets to do that one without her sister, it's only fair that DD1 gets to do one hobby alone too.