Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

Is there anything you think your DD1 particularly excels at?

I would tell DD2 if she wants to do ice skating she has to give up something she already does, since she does a lot already and ice skating isn’t cheap. That might put her off?

Having said that, I don’t think it’s fair on DD2 to hold her back. Even though I do totally understand why you would want to, and I actually voted YANBU because I don’t think it’s unreasonable, I just don’t think it’s probably the solution to the problem over all - it would be creating a new problem, and still your DD1 would feel that way about all the other ways DD2 excels.

I think this is a super tough situation!

Look at the Murray brothers, should Andy have been told “no tennis for you! That’s Jamie’s thing, try the long jump instead..”

@Iris2020 so you’d say to 1 child, “I don’t want you to be better than your sibling, they need to be the best”?
dd2 will “get it” that it’s more important to you that dd1
is happy?

I know it’s not ballet in the op’s dd’s case, but imagine if, let’s say, Darcey Bussell had had an older sister doing ballet, and the parents had decided no ballet for Darcy, because that’s Sue’s thing! Really unfair to limit another person’s life choices, because of the sensitivity of a sibling.

I actually think it would be counter productive to pander to the eldest daughter if there are genuine reasons why the youngest wants to do the activity (rather than just winding up her sisters). I have a bit of this with my eldest and actually she needs to understand that as the child eldest she gets so much the youngest doesn’t have and jealousy is a trait I do not want to reward in any way. My eldest would absolutely see it as a win if the youngest was stopped from doing something.

@freddierose this is tricky for you and I can see this from both sides. I’ve seen with my own children how when they share an interest it can become competitive and complicated for their relationship.

But as a youngest child I grew up with a list of things I wasn’t allowed to do because it was a sibling’s thing. I felt like I never got a free choice on what I might want to do and I definitely missed out on opportunities
.
In your shoes I would do the following

1. really challenge/question dd2 on her motivation - she’s 8 not 18 and she watched a cool film - is that really a solid basis to invest in an introduction to an expensive sport?
2. If she really is committed to trying, I would let her
3. work on finding other activities that dd1 can start that are less physical and non competitive - join a drama class, learn a musical instrument, take up pottery or gardening or creative writing… mastery of skills really helps to develop self-esteem

please don’t make an 8 year old responsible for another child’s happiness

We will pay for two activities oer child. If dd2 is already doing two then I wouldnt be paying for skating.

Ice skating is easy enough to fix.

Encourage one to do ice skating (as in figure skating) the other does ice hockey.

Otherwise totally team dd1.

I have 4 sisters and they were always allowed to join my hobbies. No matter what it was. I wanted something that was just mine and never had it.

I would say that these things sometimes change over time.
Don't know why this suddenly sprung to.mind, but the Gadirova gymnast twins are a good example. As a junior, Jennifer was way ahead of her sister and seemed to habe far more potential.
Then things flipped later on and Jessica stormed ahead, never to be caught again.
I can only imagine what it felt like for both of them over the years.

I remember my own mother banning me from learning a certain instrument for those precise reasons. She didn't mince her words and said straight up "because you'd be better at it than your siblings which would discourage them". I think that clear honesty is what's needed. DD2 will get it.

I can see both sides. I have a 3rd daughter who is just very good at whatever she turns her hand to. She's sporty, artistic, creative, academic. It's hard because if DD2 picks up anything, she gets frustrated and gives up, whereas DD3 has the confidence to keep going.

I do think there's a balance, though. For their driving theory tests, I told DD3 that I wanted to give DD2 a crack at passing hers before DD3 had her go. DD3 was frustrated because she was studying hard, and DD2 didn't seem to be doing anything. I then went to DD2 and said 'I can't hold DD3 back forever. She's ready to take her test, and you haven't seemed to do anything towards yours. You need to show me you're doing something, or I'll let DD3 do her test.' A few days later, DD2 said 'I'm ready' and took her test, then passed. A week later, DD3 took her test and passed.

However, for driving lessons/tests, DD3 has put a serious amount of practice in. DD2 has been less confident and less willing to practice outside of lessons. So I told DD2 that I wasn't going to hold DD3 back for her, at which point she said that she was ok with that, because she needed to take things at her own pace.

I don't think ice skating does favour taller athletes - it's like gymnastics, which favours shorter people.I think you could frame it that DD2 can do some recreational sessions at the rink if she wants to have a go at ice skating, but she doesn't do it as a taught sport for now. Re-evaluate later.

Some PPs have said that DD2 already does enough activities. Would you say that was a fair assessment @freddierose ? If it were any other activity, would you say yes?

Also, are DD2's achievements recognised? Or is she always expected to downplay everything she accomplishes, in order to make DD1 feel better?

Team DD1, let her thrive in her own sport without being compared with her little sister. DD2 has enough hobbies. My friend was upset with her parents about never letting her have something for herself, and dd2 was always better. It was a hard hard experience.

Just say no, DD1 likes doing that activity on her own and there are lots of other things DD2 could choose.

Team dd1. This is her thing dont take away her enjoyment and chance to shine as others have said. Must be awful to feel your sister is better at everything.

I’ve always encouraged my children to have different hobbies so that this type of direct comparison doesn’t come in and steal the joy. It’s so important to have our own things and I think a gentle discussion with DD2 would be appropriate here. Of course it’s not her fault she’s always faster/ better / cleverer but equally your other DD has felt overshadowed a lot, so perhaps she needs to feel she has something that is just hers. Watch DD1 give up ice skating disheartened if DD2 starts and overtakes her, and that would be really sad.

I think you just have to say no, she does enough already. If her sister doing it hasn’t made her want to do it and it seems it’s just seeing it in a film that’s made her say she wants to do it on a whim. So just say no. She’ll get over it.

I have mixed feelings having been on the receiving end of not being allowed to do an activity for a sibling, while at the same time understanding it's nice to have something that is your own.

I always loved swimming, represented my school in inter-school swimming competitions because I was good at it. I didn't know the local pool had a club that had swimming races multiple nights a week. I was so excited about the idea until my mother suggested my younger sibling do it, which he did. I wasn't allowed so he could have his own activity. It felt so very unfair. I suggested I could go another night but my parents didn't want that on another night as well.

On the other hand, I can see that my sibling wasn't generally interested in activities, so it was probably good for him to have an activity. I was more of an activities person. My sibling wasn't so much, so extending their horizons probably looked good to my parent. I can see that side of it.

Maybe, OP, this is a situation where you can avoid hurting one of them? One of them might resent it for a while but they will live. You'll just have to use your best judgement.

Why not try and get your daughters to speak to each other, start with your eldest and find out why she feel the way she does, you might find that she thinks you guys make a bigger deal out of dd2s talents or other people mention it or maybe dd2 is actually saying stuff you dont know about. I was the sister that was the over achiever in school, I also did pretty well at hobbies I picked up whereas my sister was less academic, I got a hard time for not being helpful enough when my sister was struggling with homework etc and not being 'understanding' enough i got told that this gs came easily to me but what they didnt see was my sister asking for help before she even looked at the question and saying she couldn't do it without even attempting it, she wanted it done for her meanwhile I was working my ass off doing all my homework because it didnt 'come easy' there was a lot of work involved. Tell her to talk to her sister and facilitate a family meeting let both girls share their point of view. It will teach them communication and understanding and they may surprise gou and come to a decision on their own. You say that dd2 may think this will bring her closer to her sister but sometimes as an older sister its very annoying when you feel like youre being copied so it may actually push them further apart. Obviously it will be you paying for the hobby so decision is yours but whatever decision you make will upset and possibly cause resentment eith one of your kids, if you let dd2 do the hobby dd1 confidence might suffer, she could lose interest in something she loves and she also may resent her sister for taking it from her, she also may feel like youve chosen her sister over her when shes confided her feelings to you. Whereas dont allow it and dd2 may feel dd1 is gatekeeping a hobby, resent you for picking dd1 over her when she maybe doesnt fully understand dd1s feelings and could also be missing out on something shed really love especially if theres an overlap with the skills in a hobby she already has. Getting them to talk may not solve everything but might make things clearer. In regards to dd1s confidence is there anything she shows promise in that she maybe hasn't tried fully yet that you could maybe get her to try along side this hobby as feeling really good at something may make help her, even things like if shes a bit crafty some sort of art/ upcycling class, if she likes technology then a coding group or something. Things like guides i believe work on confidence and allow them to try all sorts of different things too.
Definitely a tricky one but also sounds like theres a few different issues to work out

This is a good solution. I was DD1 with a very similar age gap and my self-esteem was crippled due to my sister’s competitiveness in every aspect of life.

My parents were fair and we were both given the same opportunities, but I was constantly aware that my younger sister was much better than I at school, socialising, career-wise, looks-wise, finding a partner etc. and unlike with classmates/friends, this followed me around home too. I couldn’t escape the internal comparison and seemingly harmless comments by others, and I had nothing that was just for me. It crippled my self-esteem until I moved away and we now have a much better relationship with distance, although I still struggle with feelings of inferiority compared to her in terms of within our family.

My parents should have managed this better and perhaps staggered certain things, as she tried to complete certain milestones before me intentionally to ruin my happiness (she told me so after I achieved certain things and my parents were partly aware of her intentions).

Leave a space for DD1 and DD2 can be patient for a while. Perhaps reframe it positively for DD2 and also work on building up DD1’s self-esteem. You don’t want to damage their relationship as they grow older.

I agree with pp who suggested each DD gets to pick something that is just hers. That's a small age gap between them and they need their own identities.

As DD2 is naturally more talented than DD1, it is really, really important that you and DH focus 100% on their development and improvement relative to themselves.

Nothing at all about how they are in comparison to others. Everything about what skills have you developed this season, how has your average increased this term, what have you learned that you didnt know before. This is really healthy anyway, but especially important for you if you are to have any chance of your DDs having a good relationship as adults.

I totally agree with that. We say no to our kids for all kinds of reasons. DD2 already does lots of activities, and it wouldn't be at all unusual to say 'no, your already doing X, Y and Z. There's no time/money available for you to do this as well'

My DDs were also close in age and with different skill levels that caused one of them some minor issues at school with teachers expectations of them not being met, leading to comparisons that were openly expressed.

I was extremely relieved when each chose a different area of specialisation in their out of school activities, with one being sporty and one being musical. They had their own spaces and weren't compared in them like they were at school.

It’s a really tricky one and I can see both arguments. My sibling wasn’t necessarily better or worse than me but was given far more opportunities than me because they were competitive and a bad loser so I feel like I was held back a lot and I do resent it as it has affected my confidence throughout my life. So I think it’s unfair to let DD2 steal the limelight but also unfair to hold her back. Could you tell her there’s currently no space and revisit it in a year or so or look into a similar but different sport like ice hockey or skiing/snowboarding (I realise that’s quite different but thinking winter sports!)?

There’s a big age gap between my two so I never had to deal with this, but I think on balance it would be best to say no to DD2 and just blame the expense. You could say you’ll reconsider in a year’s time and hopefully she’ll have moved on to something else.

I think it is hard for the older DC when the younger sibling is taller and seemingly more able at everything. I can see it would be soul destroying. I did not allow DS2 to barge into DS1’s room, even when he was arguably too young to understand why he couldn’t.

Its not cheerleading.

I agree.

It's absolutely fine to work on building up DD1's self esteem but it can't come at the expense of DD2. That isn't fair, especially considering DD1 can be quite unkind to DD2.