Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

I really disagree with this approach. There are always kids who are better and worse at things but life isn't a competition. Hobbies should be mainly for fun.

We have 2 sons and one is more academic and excels at sport. The other also does sport to a lower level - just for fun He's a massive people person and wants to be a primary teacher. I don't focus much I telling them what they are good at, but encouraging them to try their best. I would definitely not discourage a hobby they wanted to do unless it's a money/time issue.

You are not taking away a hobby that DD2 enjoys, you are just not jumping on to her latest whim. She has other hobbies use those as a reason why she can’t do this one.

In the long term both DDs will benefit more from a better relationship with each other. At the moment this means shielding DD1 and supporting her to grow her confidence without competing with DD2. It might be nice to take both of them to a public session & DD1 can teach DD2 some of what she’s learnt.

Ah I have just read it’s ice skating, unless DD1 has been slow to take to it then she will be waaaaaaay better than DD2 if she has been doing it this long. Personally I would have loved to watch my sister crash and burn trying to keep up with me at something like that. We get on great now, and did (ish) then, but we were fiercely competitive.

Let her go, and let DD1 see she is better than her.

If DD2 already has activities she does and they are the same amount or more than DD1, then she needs to be happy with what she has.

I see nothing wrong with letting DD1 have her "own thing", especially since she has been doing it since the age of three. I think DD2 is being a bit sneaky and manipulative. JMHO YMMV

Team DD2 here. DD1 will benefit long term from competing with her sister and it will teach her resilience. Unfortunately there are times when you can’t control whether someone is better than you at things and you have to learn to deal with it and just do the best you can.

DD2 shouldn’t have to miss out because she is good at stuff. DD1 will beat her at this anyway and has done it for a long time so she might enjoy kicking DD2s butt for a while.

Without knowing what the hobby is. Its a difficult one. Supposing DD2 is totally brilliant at it and you prevent her from developing her talent?

I think as long as it is framed in terms of already having enough hobbies and not having enough time for another activity as well as gently reminding her that it is her sister's special thing does not mean that she will feel overlooked for being too good. She won't even know that it is the OP's major concern. I think it is a good idea to limit activities in any case because the time factor alone can become overwhelming as well as the cost. Children need time to organise their own games, too, or simply to have time to relax in whichever way they like. Also, it is difficult to reach a really good standard in a hobby if there are too many of them. I am now going to express another view that might not be popular. While maintaining overall fairness, it is a good life lesson to experience a little inequality from time to time. I have three adult children and when they were growing up there were times when one child had something or was bought something or simply had the limelight on a particular occasion when the others did not and this was fine because they knew it would be their turn another time. I think parents of two children, especially with children who are very close in age, feel they have to treat them exactly the same at all times in order to be seen to be scrupulously fair. The problem is that real life is not always fair and this can lead to greater disappointments later on.

Being taller is surely a disadvantage for ice skating ⛸️

Let dd1 keep this hobby as her own.

I think you will regret it if you don’t as dd1 would use it as ANOTHER example of being ‘no good’ and psychologically that could tip her over the edge.

We coddle kids far too much.
They're not stupid.
She can say to dd2 ",you'd be likely to catch up dd1 in this activity which would discourage her."
Unless ice skating is literally dd2's life dream, she will understand the need to step back and not overtake dd1 in every area.

Happiness comes with being considerate, especially when you're generally gifted - it's an important skill to develop. In life as well, generally taking the limelight everywhere just because you can will be counterproductive. It sounds like she values the friendship with dd1. Time for her to become aware of the way dd1 perceives things.

Lying will only cause resentment. Asking dd2 to hold back will only work if OP is brutally honest about why. It's a genuinely good reason dd2 should be able to understand. Obviously it can't be for everything. Just this one area...

I agree with you. I have two really sporty children who are literally brilliant at every sport they try and one child who struggles physically. She has one activity she likes and I won’t let either of the other two do it. Mainly because I know they would be brilliant at it straight away and this activity is an important source of confidence for my DD.

And the other two are great at other stuff anyway. So I just keep it as DDs thing.

Have you talked to your DD1 about being a “late bloomer”? All the stuff that stands out at school isn’t all there is.

We don’t always find what we’re good at in primary school. We might not even be good at something at primary school but there’s a level of interest that drives us to keep pushing with it until one day, that’s our most special skill - interpersonal skills or managerial skills or public speaking.

The poor thing, feeling she’s in her sisters shadow. But does she feel the same about whoever is in the top of her class at school? If she’s average, someone must always be better than her.

I’d try and help DD1 somehow without making it DD2’s problem, if possible.

I don't think that follows. DD1 might be hurt if DD2 related that conversation to her.

We have to make decisions on behalf of our children all the time and it's not always best to tell them why. For example, would you tell your eight-year-old that the reason you won't let her sleep at a particular friend's house is because you're pretty sure her parents are alcoholics? Or that the reason you chose school B for your children instead of the nearer school, A, is because the headteacher of school A is your ex and things didn't end amicably?

if dd2 already does lots of activities then I would say no because it wouldn’t be fair for her to do even more. Ice skating is an expensive one to add as well.

if she wants to give something up to replace ice skating with then I would try and see if there is something similar but different - eg artistic rollerskating, gymnastics/dance, ice hockey

It seems unfair to punish dd2 like this!

I think your time and effort would be better spent helping dd1 focus less on competition with her sister, rather than limiting one of your two dc to let the jealous sibling "win".

You should be treating your dc equally, favouring dd1 is only going to cause problems in your relationship with them and their relationship with each other.

Dd1 will not be any better or worse at ice skating because her sister is or isn't allowed to try it. Her progress is entirely separate.

It was the other way round for us. My brother is older than me and I overtook him all the time, and for various reasons we finished up in the same year at secondary school - he had to go down a year and I was pushed on a year.

I was aware of how this might impact on him. It may be that your DD2 might respond reasonably to having it explained to her that X is DD1's thing and she has her own things.

Whatever, you and your OH need to get on the same page with this.

It is hard I know.

I don't have two DC so I don't get it at all, but I have been listening to The Let Them Theory recently which has a comparison between the two daughters of the author - one sounds like your DD2 and the other sounds like your DD1. Might be worth a read to help your DD1.

I did similar. Looking back actually my brother wasn't better, but it felt like he was because such a deal was made if he ever got close. I was 3 years older so bit different.
I gave up on trying because it was easier on my self esteem to feel that maybe if I'd tried I would have done better than feel I'd tried hard and still not succeeded.

I now wonder how well I could have done if I'd continued working hard, because actually I was reasonably talented. He got no where near what I achieved even though he continued with it until 18, whereas I gave up at 12.

I wouldn't have minded him doing some things, but ut literally was everything I started he had to do as well. I had an older sister ( again 3 years older) and we did very few hobbies together - and we got on much better.

I think it depends on a lot of factors, most importantly the personalities of the two children involved.

I agree DD2 shouldn’t have to hide her achievements or not be proud of them because she is more talented than her sister. Equally, if not managed carefully this situation could be instrumental in simultaneously knocking DD1’s confidence even further and causing substantial damage the sibling relationship (causing resentment in both directions). This is the sort of situation that can have lasting impact on individuals and relationships in the longer term. It’s not about what they hobby is, it is what it represents
to each of them.

It’s all very well saying “you need to bolster DD1’s confidence” and a whole lot harder to do when her sister outshines her at every turn (which is just one of those things) and everyone (including you) knows it. Then DD2 comes along and swoops in at the one thing DD1 is quite good at and really enjoys. And is also likely to be better at. I don’t think that’s setting up a healthy situation for either child, as things stand. Rebuilding confidence and self-esteem won’t happen overnight, and this is exactly the sort of situation that can knock a vulnerable child. It might not be equal to say no/not now- but it might be the right thing in the longer term.

I also suspect DD1 is not going to want to continue her hobby if DD2 swoops in and outshines her. So, OP needs to consider how important is this hobby to her/what the impact might be if she walks away from it.

I think it also depends on the children. Growing up I had a friend who was clever without being “brilliant”- a solid allrounder, but whose younger sibling was one of those children who is highly academic, sporty, very popular. She was also competitive (no bad thing) and very much enjoyed the attention/praise (again, fair enough). Being better than her sister also became a bit of a thing- I don’t think it was always conscious or malicious, exactly, but definitely in competition with her sister. It was not uncommon for her to muscle in on the majority of hobbies/skills her sister would try out. Sometimes I think she would genuinely have her interest piqued if her sister was doing something she thought looked fun/exciting. But, equally she was far more likely to try it if she was likely to be good at it, and i think she did get something out of being obviously better than her sister- I think she really liked “winning” and getting praise. My friend would inevitably be upset/resentful and would want to withdraw. Her parents then felt she was just not sticking at anything and didn’t want to invest time/money into something they thought she would then drop (seemingly oblivious to why that might be the case). Her sister would often drop out shortly after my friend, having decided it wan’t her thing, after all.

Anyway, the long and short of it, is that it led to strained relationship with her sister (and parents, to a lesser extent) and a slow steady build up of resentment within their relationship. Once she left home, she really distanced herself from her sister and they rarely see each other now.

I think that was unfair of your parents. They basically took the hobby you already loved and gave it to your brother!

Banning dd2 from trying ice skating because dd1 does it and is resentful of dd2 being better at things will send a terrible message to dd2. She could already be internalising "being good at things makes people hate me", if she has picked up on her sister being jealous.
But to be banned from even trying ice skating in case you would be too good at it and outshine your sibling.. that is tough.
Similarly, it will be tough for your other daughter if she does start it, but it is her attitude that needs dealt with, with care and loving correction... easier said than done, i'm sure.
Could she not do it at a different day or time, as a one off first to see if she likes it?
Good luck with whatever you decide. Not an easy decision.

i think it’s difficult, I saw a previous poster saying “I’ve been the older sibling, don’t let the younger sibling join”, but equally I’ve been the younger sibling and if you don’t let her join it can 100% come across to her as if you’re dimming her light to prioritise her sister. I think the key question is would you feel comfortable being honest with your younger daughter? Imagine the conversation “I know you really want to take up ice skating but I’m worried you’ll be better at it than your sister so no”. If you wouldn’t be comfortable saying that then that’s maybe an indicator that you’re being unreasonable.

Really tough one OP but I think YABVU by not letting DD2 join. It’s not her fault she is more talented and this could lead to much more resentment down the line. She should be allowed the same opportunities

I think I would say to DD2 that it is DD1’s special hobby, that she has been doing it for a long time and is really dedicated to it, that DD2 already has a lot of other hobbies and does not have time for any more. I would add that while it is good to do some things together, it is also good to have separate interests. I would also remind her that all these hobbies cost a lot of money.

:( This is so sad