Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

Sounds like dd2 has quite a few established hobbies so maybe approach it by telling her she has enough hobbies for the moment. Let dd1 become established in the hobby, then revisit if dd2 wants to join later and is willing to drop a hobby for it.

I just can't believe that DD2 outshines DD1 on everything . You need to concentrate on what DD1 can do, not what she can’t do.

Both your girls have strength and weaknesses. So maybe DD2 is more sporty, learns more easily and therefore it's looking like she outperforms DD1.
You need to build DD1 confidence & self-esteem, but not on the cost of your DD2's enjoyment and development.

I'd let her do a couple of tester sessions, say after the summer holidays. BUT then DD2 would have to decide if it's something she wants to do for the next 18 months by dropping one of the other activities she is doing.
I would also try and encourage DD1 to branch out into other hobbies and activities that she can do and be good at.

It is very hard for people who have not grown up in these circumstances to actually understand how these siblings feel. Sometimes you have to be seen as unfair to protect both children.
I was DD1 in this situation. 18 months between me and my sister. She was always considered the clever one, the prettier one, the more popular one, the one with more friends etc. She wasn't all those things but relatives, teachers etc. would often say things like 'Joan is so good at tennis so it is odd that you aren't'.
My sister was good at everything...always chosen for the lead in the school play, always on the netball team, always with the popular children. I didn't excel at many things and the things I was good at, and enjoyed, she was always better.
My parents would just tell me not to be jealous or to try harder myself.
Looking back I feel my childhood was marred by this and I am still insecure because of it.
My sister and I are really good friends now because as an adult I realised it wasn't her fault that other people made it an issue. We don't do the same things or move in the same circles but do have a great relationship.
Find a way for DD1 to keep her hobby away from DD2.

By preventing her sister from doing something in order to preserve DD1’s self esteem all you’ll be doing Op is confirming to DD1 that she isn’t good enough because your confirming the only way she can succeed is in a sanitised environment. It completely taints any success from then on. DD1 isn’t going to forget that DD2 wanted to do it and could have been better than her.

Putting barriers in place to make sure DD2 does genuinely want to do it and isn’t picking it up on a whim only to drop it again (you already do lots of things so you need to stop one to start this) is one thing. Stopping her entirely because her sister doesn’t want her to do it is another entirely.

You don’t raise strong, independent women by teaching girls the way to win is by keeping others, especially those who have done nothing at all wrong, down and stopping them from even trying. It’s entirely the wrong message. If DD1 skates to compete, she needs to learn that she can’t control competition and sometimes she’s going to lose and it’s going to hurt. If she skates for the love of skating, she needs to learn it doesn’t matter who is “better”, what matters is the joy it brings her being on the ice, which should have nothing to do with her sister. If she only enjoys it because she’s better than her sister then her motivation is completely wrong and it shouldn’t be encouraged.

As hard as it will be for her, it isn’t DD2’s responsibility to dim herself just because DD1 is struggling to shine.

I honestly think you're overthinking this and that is the thing that's going to get in the way of everyone's relationship. I also wonder if your reaction to your dd1s question in the first place has somehow fuelled this? How did you respond? Did you somehow feed into the idea that dd2 is more successful? Not allowing her to take part Incase she is better at it also feeds into that.

Your dd1s may be having a crisis of self esteem but it's not her sister's fault and it's unlikely its just about that and probably more about hormones, age, relationships at school. Can you work on dd1s self esteem by spending more time together? By taking them ice skating together an getting dd1s to show dd2 everything she can do? Tell her she's signed up for too many classes cost wise but her sister can show her some skills or tell her there's a waiting list and she can start in a year if still interested. Maybe teaching her would be good for dd1.

So she knows DD1 does a sport…but it’s only after she watches a film about said sport (presumably ice princess or something else) where the sport was shown at a good level that’s she’s interested? She had no interest until she watched a film - and quite frankly that’s not ‘real’ interest.

YANBU. It’s not just about DD2 but also DD1s confidence and if their relationship is already struggling because of how DD1 feels then allowing DD2 to do this sport will just increase resentment. Honestly, it doesn’t even need to be phrased as ‘no cos DD1 does it.’ Just say that DD2 already does lots of things and there’s just not enough time in the day and that its important for them to do things independently.

Then work on the outside reactions and eldest seeing her positives.

I'm 1 of 5 and there was so much rivalry especially between my middle sisters a year apart. However my mum was really good at seeing us as individuals. I'd say I was the quietest but most academic. But then this was in the days before paid extra curricular activities.

If I'd gone to my mum and said I was upset my sister was going to do a sport with me she'd laugh and say what did I want her to do? Cut off her feet?

I'd be inclined to lean into it, take them both to lessons, then also take the ice skating together just for fun days out. My kids do gymnastics and love to tumble so I take them to the trampoline park together and they both practice as well as play. They spend time together. I praise their efforts, we get a burger, we listen to loud music in the car.

I dunno, you can't make everyone else worse at something or your less able child better at it. You can love and support them and ensure they get positives from it.

And I was often the less good at things I did with siblings, utterly hopeless at sports, not at all good at social activities and group activities. Loved academic things, especially the library. With hindsight my mum was so brilliant at just having a neutral reaction to these things

Also at 8 and 9 there's no real indication who will do best longer term. It just doesn't sit well with me to not let a child do something because they might excel beyond their siblings level

I wonder if the 3 year age difference, and being the opposite sex, makes it easier for your DC, @Velumental ?

With 2 girls, so close in age they could almost be contemporaries, it must be difficult for DD1. Constant comparison - not from her parents (I hope), but from others outside the family - teachers, family friends etc.

My 8 yr old son got obsessed with gymnastics and has gone since he was 3, he's always progressed fine and is very good at the 'mens' style parts like bars, rings, can flip on a trpoline etc. my 5 yr old daughter inherited my hyper mobility which has made her amazing at the very impressive skills like cartwheels and contortions which my son finds very difficult. So all the stretching my son's pends time doing comes really naturally to his little sister. She's progressed through the stages to the point they are now in the same class. I exoected' him to be upset she surpassed him in skills he worked so hard at but took months to manage, like bridge. Somehow though he's just absolutely delighted she's in his class with him.

I say this because it sounds like your awareness of your younger child doing better might also be an issue and maybe you'd need to find a way to work on their relationship to each other and reducing competitiveness? Get them in each other's corner?

Let DD2 start the hobby if it is a life skill that she needs to learn, like swimming or skiing or riding.
If the hobby is not crucial to one's earning capacity or safety etc then allow DD1 her personal space..

Is there a chance that DD1 will always be wonderful at the hobby and could it be a way for her to shine by instructing DD2 and helping her little sister? Only you know whether the personality of DD2 is aiming to out perform her sister or to enjoy the hobby for the activity itself.

Start helping your girls to be proud of each other. Take DD2 to see and applaud her big sister. Praise your girls when they are kind to each other. Take them on sister film nights, and baking days. Shop together and offer support. Concentrate on the non competitive activities.

As others have pointed out, it's certainly not a tantrum and it's not jealousy either. Itself-esteem and it runs deep.

The OP has said it's ice skating.

Well, DD2 hasn't even started it yet so she can't quit what she hasn't started. I agree that we all need to learn that we cannot be the best at everything but it's very different when this awareness comes from outside the family. DD2 has been better at everything so far so DD1 has had a lifetime of realising this. Surely she is allowed to have one thing in which she can shine. There is a time for building resilience and a time when you are allowed have your place in the limelight.

But those people won't be a family member as close to her as her sister is, and she'll be a bit older & more able to cope when she's out in the world independently. At the moment, she may feel as though she's in a kind of nuclear family pressure cooker.

DD1 will be in for a hard time in the world when she realises others are sometimes better at things than you are, and you can't have them quit because you're hurt by it.

She’s excited at trying this new hobby, and will be very aware that the reason why she is not allowed to do it despite her sister being allowed, is because her sister is jealous and is starting to become so unkind and nasty to her that their parents are deciding to pander to her emotions for an easy life.

This POV sounds reasonable on the surface, but it discounts - or ignores - the extent to which DD2 may also be jealous & competitive. Sibling rivalry can happen in this way. The elder child (DD1) has done nothing but been born first, but DD2 could well be jealous of that.

Two DC so close together are always going to have complex feelings about this. And at their ages, it'll be hard for them to articulate their feelings or think them through.

@freddierose your DD1 has already come to you in distress about her feelings. And her feelings about herself and her sister's talents may be complicated by her understanding that such feelings of envy of her little sister are wrong. It's a lot for a 9 yo to carry and try to process - that her feelings are strong, but also "bad" (ie jealousy etc). Your DH's attitude will only make it worse.

I don't think I'd let one of my dc dictate what hobbies the other could do, if they quit then they are only ruining their own fun. I wouldn't be held to ransom by a tantrum!

If your eldest has been doing it for 6 years, how likely is it that your youngest will catch up in a short time?

I think it seems really unfair to Daughter 2 to say she can’t do it because daughter 1 is jealous of her. While its shit to always have someone be better than you, it’s also a fact of life and you’re doing D1 no favours if you pander to her ego because someone will always be better than her at something and someone will always be better than D2 at something too. Denying one child the
roght to participate because the other might not be the best in the house is unrealistic and setting them both up for failure and/or destroyed relationship. D2 will soon learn we pander to D1s wants and needs because if she didn’t get made to feel special then everyone suffers.

D1 might be the best at this hobby anyway, Shes been doing it longer for a start - it seems really cruel to d2 to refuse her a chance to try it and teaches her if she always does well she doesn’t get rewarded. I was in a similar situation and I soon learned to dumb myself
down to make life easier for me. In the long run it didn’t do me any favours as golden child learned to believe he was truly gods gift and still does and takes every opportunity to put me down. He has no idea what I sacrificed as a child to appease his and my parents ego but instead of making him feel a bit more secure in himself he became a wee shite who still believes himself to be a superior being. Just be careful you’re not teaching D2 that there are negative consequences to doing well.

If this had been me and I was DD1 the minute you allow DD2 into the activity I would have quit.

And let me add: part of the pressure of being the eldest daughter (aside from the high expectations and people pleasing that eldest daughters tend to have to live up to) is that you KNOW that the others (I have 3 siblings) will always feel a wee bit resentful that you are the first. They'll see it as a privilege.

It sounds as though your DD2 is quite aware of this at some level, although at 8yo she can't articulate it. And that she is probably subconsciously comparing herself and competing with your DD1. It can be done subtly and it's then difficult for the elder sister to articulate her feelings without sounding jealous.

My younger sister was the first to have DC and when she told me she was pregnant, she added "And for once, I'm the first do something." I had never seen being the first as a privilege: it was more often a burden as I grew up. My family were hyper-vigilant about me achieving, but also not being bossy or above myself.

So I hope you & your DH can be sensitive to the possible complexities of feelings your DD1 might have about DD2. Give her a bit of space to have something that's hers.

If the younger already does multiple activities it wouldn't be a bad thing to sit her down and tell her its expensive as hell so she needs to choose another expensive hobby or 2 cheap ones to give up to try it.

She doesn't have to take it up as a hobby she can just go to the rink with friends for fun. It's very possible she could excel at it even doing that and would be unfair to stop her.

Also are there other things you could encourage towards? E.g. ice hockey for the ice part or gymnastics/dance?

For DD1 focus on building her confidence and find other things that bring her joy. I was the 'non-sporty' of 3 and I did well moving away from your typical ballet/football/rugby and went into martial arts instead when I got older and loved it.

I'm joining all the members of the #EldestDaughtersClub to say that you need to let DD1 have something for herself.

Your DH is BU, and you need to talk this through with him - that DD1 needs something for herself where she doesn't get pushed into feeling envious or competitive with her younger sister. She may not actually be competitive, but the situation may make her feel so, IYSWIM.

My sister was born only 14 months after me, and was pretty sickly as a new-born. I immediately was pushed into second place. This was exacerbated by my mother's tendency to see herself in my sister "Oh yes your sister is like me."

It's a fact of life that the elder child is displaced by the next sibling/s, and we elder daughters have to learn to deal with that. Of course we do. But you and your DH don't need to make it worse.

I have 2 dds 14 months apart. DD2 was better academically, at making friends, at most thing tbh and they did have similar interests. They got on really well together but they were well aware of who was doing better than the other. The best thing we ever did was send them to different high schools. It was a relief to my dd1 not to be constantly compared to her younger sister and get to shine - or not shine - in her own space. It doesn't actually build resilience to never be the best at something. Not being as academically bright or good at school as your younger sister isn't something you can talk out with her. It puts pressure on the younger one too - as they get older especially. They need some space to be separate.

You need to give your older daughter some space to be away from her younger sister. Ice skating isn't a requirement for an 8 year old. Encourage her to do something else instead. yeah your dd1 will be better than her if she does do it but she'll always be looking over her shoulder. Give her one space that is hers.

my girls are in their 20s now and are very close friends.

I have twins with a somewhat similar dynamic. It’s pretty devastating for a child to have everything they do bested by someone they see day in day out. It isn’t jealousy, it’s self esteem. I ensured they both had some different hobbies and wouldn’t let either of them push in to the other’s separate ones. Was also important for friendships. And the more space from each other they had out of the house, the better they got on together.

So, she already has a sport. She doesn't need another one, unless she plans to give up the other. How many sports does DD1 do and is it the same as DD2? How many hobbies/clubs does each one do?