Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

Without a doubt you don’t let the younger join. Not quite same but our second DD who is ND finally found a hobby she loves. Even if older DD was interested I would not let her near it!

As someone who was DD2, I was confused by the fact that my mum always downplayed my achievements to save my sister’s feelings. It really damaged my self esteem and made me try even harder to succeed. Instead of potentially harming and depriving your youngest, teach the oldest to be proud of herself for who she is and to stop blaming her sister for her own feelings of inadequacy. Seriously, improve her self esteem with loads of love, support and reassurance without damaging her sister’s.

I posted upthread about having this situation with my dds a year apart and mentioned that it affects the younger one too - the younger one deserves to have her achievements celebrated too. This is why I think it is important to have them in different activities if possible (other than the required ones of school/swimming etc) so each of them can shine/just be without reference to the other.

It is nice to say improve self esteem with love etc. but the reality for someone who lives with, loves, goes to school with, and does hobbies with someone who consistently out performs them- in a situation where the world expects the elder to do better - is very very hard and I think if you can provide some separate spaces for them it is better. like I said the best thing we did for our girls - both of them - was send them to separate high schools. My dd2 was in school with twins who had a very similar dynamic and their relationship is very tricky in their 20s. dd2 can see it from both points of view.

As someone who was DD2, I was confused by the fact that my mum always downplayed my achievements to save my sister’s feelings. It really damaged my self esteem and made me try even harder to succeed. Instead of potentially harming and depriving your youngest, teach the oldest to be proud of herself for who she is and to stop blaming her sister for her own feelings of inadequacy. Seriously, improve her self esteem with loads of love, support and reassurance without damaging her sister’s.

DD1 will surely find things she is better at. DD1 for example did better at school/studying/exams and is a lovely dancer. DD2 is really good at most sport and picks anything practical up quicker, like riding a bike, learning to drive. You show her something once and she can do it.

They did one hobby together but also found their own things. I agree with the advance of not a straight no now, but if she still wants to try in a few months then she can.

Exactly. If you give her enough time without saying a straight "no",she might forget about it or find something else she wants to do.

Children everywhere get told no if they want to do a sport they saw in a movie. I’d say you do enough for now, if you’re still keen in a year we can consider. Bear in mind you may have to drop something as there are only so many hours in the day. And try and think of family things - walks, movies, games, baking, craft, to do regularly to keep them hanging out together in a non competitive way, and support dd1 to be her own unique self.

Separate activities is best
You can say no to dd2
It sounds like she does plenty all ready

do you think there may be an element that dd2 wants to do it to feel closer with dd1 again if she’s noticed she’s pulled away?

I would make excuses/delay her starting so dd1 can maintain her own identity/activity for now, and over the summer try to build their relationship back up again, have them spend time together, sleepovers etc something to bond them, then dd2 may not feel the need to elbow in on dd1s activity if she feels accepted by her again.

Absolutely agree. Poor DD2 being penalised for no reason at all

This is interesting...my son (12) and daughter (10) both do speed skating. Daughter is in general much sportier than son, and almost as tall, but he's a better skater. They both started at the same time, with no previous skating experience. Daughter does dance and has great balance etc, but it has not translated seamlessly to the rink, whereas son just ploughs on and got his crossovers sorted pretty quickly. So your younger daughter may not be automatically better straight away!

So Noel Streatfield's "White Boots" was entirely unrealistic? That's sad.

My Mum used to say, "No, that's DD1's thing," etc. If she's still banging on about in six months, maybe reconsider. But also perhaps tell her she'll have to quit something else?

@user1492757084, how to say you are middle class without openly stating that you are middle class. I agree that swimming is a vital life skill but skiing and riding? I have managed to reach the grand old age of 61 without ever learning how to ride or ski, as have the vast majority of people l know. I'm sure they are fun activities but life skills? I don't think so.

Also this. It's a bit weird.

But figure skating is a sport you have to start super young to get any competitive results (like gymnastics) so chances are your DD2 will not excel to such an extent as to threaten DD1.

I do have some sympathy for DD2 - having not been allowed to try things thanks to younger sister doing them - but then again she started a few things just because I did them - though I kept them up longer in end as she lost interest.

My parents were shocked by my GCSE results - really good because I'd struggled in primary - took getting to uni to find I have SEN including dsylexia - as those early labels - me being not acadmic and her being the acadmic star- had stuck around too long (they still crop up now though having done better I can laugh it off).

Those early struggles taught me to kuckle down and keep plodding on - but hard to not feel hurt when Mum came home from p/t meet saying teacher has said finally got the genes right with youngest - why relay that to a child . My DC get on really well and are hugely supportive of each other - but even they hate comparisons or the well sibling is good at this why aren't you and we've stamped on that as much as we could. It's also why I think two kids is worst combination as generation above us is all two and the sibling rivalry and comparisions have caused real damage.

I would see if DD2 interest continues - if she been near ice rinks waiting for DD1 it could be more long term interest. If it does continue I would let her start - hoping DD1 had enough of a head start in sport and trying like mad not to allow people to compare them.

I don't understand how you can take one DD to an ice rink miles away, every week since age 3, while DD 2 has never stepped onto the rink, ever.
Wasn't there a Saturday morning where you just all went along as a family, to have a skate around?

Can your DD2 try ice dance or pairs if your DD1 is doing singles?

Anyway, you say your DD2 is taller - that's a disadvantage for figure skating. Being tiny, very light and having a pre-pubescent frame is much more of an advantage for skating girls.

Could she do a different version of the activity? For example, if DD1 is doing artistic gymnastics, could DD2 do acro, cheerleading, or tumbling?

If dd1 has been doing a hobby since she was 3, so for 6 years….

how long do you think she needs to become “established” in that hobby?

My DC are like this.
DC1 is a very good classical guitarist. He is not that sporty and his strengths are more academic than recreational.
DC2 is annoyingly competent at anything she l plays piano and wanted to try a second instrument. She mentioned guitar. I told her anything but guitar. She doesn’t play guitar. Turns out she’s an annoyingly good drummer too, but at lease she’s not directly comparable to DC1.

My DDs are in a similar position. My youngest is a natural athlete and has never yet found school challenging. She out performs her elder sister if they are doing the same thing. For the most part, luckily, they have ended up with different interests. But I have been careful also to encourage that and not encourage cross over in hobbies. At least not since they've been about 10. One does lots of sport, the other does dance and music. I have also not encouraged her to pick the same GCSE’s. I would not have said no if she had truly wanted to but thankfully she didn’t.
DD2 gets constant validation from us and school about how good she is at stuff. It was important to me that DD1 had her things that only she excels in. Her younger sister is always going to have an easier time of it (unless something drastic and unexpected happens) I want them both to be able to be proud of each other without comparing.

If it’s ice skating does it have to be the same kind? Could one do speed skating and the other figure skating or ice hockey?

Being competitive is natural, the second child being higher functioning is also very common, but you should not encourage DD2 to do the same things as DD1, she should definitely find something else- it is a clear bid to overtake and should be denied.
This is a common feature of sibling rivalry, but you need to get ahead of it- yes you need to be supportive of DD2- but there are thousands of hobbies to choose from why does it have to be this particular one.
Should the hobby be a class like ballet- let DD2 do it but at a different class, so direct comparisons are impossible.

Op treating everyone the same is sometimes the most unfair thing you can do. I’d consider whether you leave it for a year, see if they both continue with their hobbies. Come back to it then.

I’d say to dd2no because they both do enough activities and it’s good for them both to have somethings separate