Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

As a twin (I am the smarter twin not to be unkind) let dd2 have a go at the ice skating personally

I’ve been in exactly the same situation as you, 2 DDs, 17 months apart. DD2 always reached milestones younger than DD1 had and was just always ‘better’ at things. DD2 found a hobby that she excelled at early on, DD1 tried various hobbies but didn’t excel and left each one after a year or so. At age 10 she finally found a hobby she was good at (and still does now at 18). DD2 expressed an interest in it a couple of years in but DD1 really didn’t want her to as she knew she’d probably be better at it than her and so I said no, that was DD1’s thing. DD2 was disappointed but I didn’t want her to take away DD1s long awaited hobby happiness!

I have seen this okay out already albeit with twins. Like you describe one very natural talented and Capable in most areas and an early achiever whereas the other struggling a lot more and things came slower.
the hobby was gym / acro and the more capable twin wanted to join …annoying so she was superb and got noticed as a natural talent and grace… the twin who joined first took a real confidence and self image hit and quit. It didn’t last too long but she never rejoined the hobby sadly and the mother ( I’m aunt ) wished she had kept it ring fenced for the twin who loved it initially. They were 9 if that helps x

@Monty36 I don't think it's unusual for the older child not to be confident. In fact, in every single group I know, the second one is FAR more confident than the older one! I'm the eldest. My sister was far more confident than I was, she still is!

Name changed for this.

My sister is 18 months younger than me and I was never allowed to do anything by myself. Every time I found something I wanted to do there would only be a few weeks of doing it myself before she joined. It was stifling. I am nearly 50 and I the dynamic is STILL there. (I manage it by avoiding family events in general, and my sister in particular, unless absolutely necessary.)

It doesn't even have to be about who's better at activity x, or who is favoured - although this was the case for us, see below - it's often simply about wanting just an hour or so a week of time apart. Having typed that out, I can see that the need for the time apart may be greater if there is a dynamic where one sibling is, or is perceived to be, favoured.

I am very academic and was two years ahead at school. But I have also always been hearing impaired and socially awkward. Hearing impairment often comes with being clumsy. So I was academic, awkward, and clumsy - which made sports hard, and it was also hard to make friends. In contrast, my sister was academically slightly above average for her age, very pretty and confident and outgoing, and very good at all sports. She was able to make friends very quickly and easily. She was also the golden child. My academic success could not be celebrated because it made her feel inadequate. In contrast, we all went out to celebrate every sporting success.

The result of all of this was that any time I found somewhere where I was starting to make friends, my sister would also demand to come too - and very quickly whatever friendships I thought I had been working on disappeared as everyone gravitated towards her. I'm pretty sure that most of the time she didn't actually want to do whatever it was, she just enjoyed making me miserable. (She still does.)

I wish I had been given the opportunity to have just one thing of my own with kids my own age without my sister. I think that if this had been allowed, we might well not resent each other as adults. Let your oldest child have one thing to themselves. Explain to your youngest child that it is fine and normal for her sister to want to do one thing by herself. And if the youngest one is desperate to do ice skating - as in genuinely desperate, and not just to spite the older one - then help the older one to find something else that she can do by herself.

I have two boys, equally academic but both very sporty however one seems to have slightly more natural competitive drive and talent for most sports (like you it’s the younger one). The elder one does very well in the sports that they have in common, however never quite as well as his younger brother. They are slightly older than yours now and what has massively helped their relationship is the older one finding his own thing that he is naturally better at than his little bro, and also when his brother thought about potentially taking up that sport we chatted to him about how he had a lot on his plate already (doing 2 sports at a national level, 1 at regional and one at county), and perhaps it would also be good for his older brother to have his “own thing”. So little bro goes along occasionally for special training events just to “have a go” but as he doesn’t train at it his big brother is far more skilled (and naturally I think he does have more aptitude for it too). This has taken us to age about 13 & 11 though to find DS1s thing that he is better at. They used to do all the same sports and were very competitive with each other comparing times and GB rankings in their age groups (which was also problematic as ones age group locally is much more competitive than the other), even thiugh we have never compared them or focussed on results only on effort. Since DS1 branching out slightly into 2 slightly different sports they have been much happier and actually really quite supportive of each other even in the 2 sports they both still do together. There are minor irritations when DS2 wins a rake of medals and DS1 only gets 1 or 2 but both are very good at not boasting or rubbing it in the other ones face and I think they are learning more and more as they grow up to be each others cheerleaders more.

with your daughters I would talk to the 8 year old and explain that she already does lots of sports and how it’s hard for might be nice to let older sister have one thing that is just hers - don’t ban the younger one from it but perhaps ask if she really wants to do it even if it might upset her big sister. And ask her what she is going to give up in order to make time for the new hobby? That’s always a good one as with our boys they never want to give up any of their sports so it actually prevents them from training for other things that teams try to recruit them into!

I have a younger sister. She joined pretty much every hobby I did as a child and was always better at it than me. Looking back it was likely just because the hobbies were physical and I’m dyspraxic and she’s not. But at the time I didn’t know that as I was undiagnosed so it did make me feel a bit inadequate compared to her. However, I don’t believe my parents should have banned my sister from doing these activities just because I did them first. She genuinely enjoyed them and was good at them. She’s making a career out of one of them now. It was a bit rubbish for me as a child to have to watch her excel at everything while I struggled but I still think that had nothing to do with my sister really and I’m glad she wasn’t held back just to make me feel better.

Ooohhh it’s a tough one OP, but fair doesn’t always mean the same. I think DD1 would suffer more for her sister joining the class than DD2 would be missing it. So I’d probably say no you have x,y,z maybe in the future we’ll look into it. You can also be completely honest with her and say it’s healthy for dd1 & her to have separate activities to develop their independence. It’s really hard though you’ll feel like the bad guy either way!

My older siblings have a mild genetic disability. They weren’t academic and went to special schools. One was good at gymnastics and the other did church led activities. I wanted to join too and be like them but was told it was their thing?! As I was able bodied I could be good at anything else so I had to chose something else?!

That was poor on your parents. But this dd2 does have other hobbies/sports.

This is a difficult one, on the one hand i agree that DD1 should be allowed to have activities that only she does without DD2 tagging along but i also feel its unfair to stop DD2 from doing something she really wants to do simply because she MIGHT be better, could DD1 not teach her the hobby? it would help her confidence that she is better at something and teaching DD2 and if DD2 does surpass her you could put it down to DD1 being such a good teacher?

That’s very odd. I come from a family of 3 kids and we all played the same instruments and did the same sports.

In the long run we liked different things.

Hard one this. I totally understand dd1's pov; I also feel for dd2 who is going to be told she can't do an activity she is interested in because her sister doesn't want her to do it. No other reason- not cost, safety, logistics, time availability, just that her sister doesn't want her to. If I were said elder sister I wouldn't want her to either, but if I were dd2 I would just hear "your sisters feelings matter in a way yours don't".

Is dd1 good at skating?

And that’s fine but you can’t stop a child from doing something as mainstream as ice skating because another lacks confidence. They will have to find something else.

I would say no she can't join. If she does lots of activities anyway then that's fair as far as I'm concerned - she has chosen her sports and activities and she has chosen hers. It's not bad parenting to parent your children - they can't have everything they want.

Let her enjoy her sport solo from her sister.

I was the youngest of three. I wasn’t allowed to join the same clubs and activities. There was nothing else I was interested in so I didn’t do any! I thought it was completely unfair of my parents.

DD1 has one thing that it hers. DD2 can have everything else in the entire world. People are allowed to say no to a child's wish.

Sounds like the elder dc already believes that she is useless, that her younger sister is better than her at everything, and her confidence and self-esteem has been destroyed by it. At the moment, there is only one thing she can do that her sister can't, and having that taken away from her as well would be devastating.

But DD2 already has other activities that she does. Let DD1 have her thing otherwise it will just ruin it for her.

Skating is a common sport that a lot of kids do. This can’t be the thing that DD1 has to herself as it would be fundamentally unfair to prevent DD2 practising a popular sport simply because her sister lacks confidence.

It would be good for DD1 to have some niche stuff to herself but not this.

really difficult OP.
I had this with my older sister (3 years older than me) but wasn’t AS bad as I think it doesn’t feel as bad when the sibling is older where maybe DD1 feels sad as she’s older.
i would say not to let dd2 do ice skating. Ask her to pick a different hobby for now. As you said, you’re building dd1’s confidence and it’s nice for them to do their own thing, especially being so close in age.

Let DD1 have her chance to shine at this. You said that DD2 already has other stuff that she does, so let this be DD1's thing.

This thread is fascinating to me.
First it’s very clear it’s reflecting a lot of unsealed hurt some posters have frim childhood. On both sides of the equation.

Then there is the idea that you can’t stop someone doing xyz sport ‘because they migut become world champion’. Apart from the fact it’s only a very very remote possibility, is that the only reason why we encourage our children to practice a sport? Because if that’s the idea behind it, I’m not surprised most teens stop doing said sport, esp at higher levels.

And then theres this idea that the dd1 just work on her self esteem, learn to appreciate other people strengths, learn about her own strengths etc….
Let’s rewind there. We’re talking about primary age chikdren. Children who needs to be taught. Who need to have the right nurturing environment around them. And some posters woukd like them to act as if they were adukts. Or, légale even worse, woukd like to put adukt responsibilities on the children’s shoulders. To do things that a hell of a lot of ADULTS just can’t do. Mind is boggling on that one.

@glovebox This thread is fascinating because so many posters identify so strongly with either one child or the other!

Surely it’s better not to identify with either sister but stand back and look at the dynamics objectively.

Any interest or activity the older sister does the younger cannot do. OR that is how it will seem to the younger daughter. Eventually.
She is trying to keep up with her not much older sister at the moment.
Might be interested in ice skating. Nabbed. So no. Your older sister got there first. Shows an interest in this or that, off limits for the younger child.
It is unusual to have an older child that lacks confidence. Usually they are likely to have plenty of it. Be sure that her complaint about her sister is not just a strange form of attention in order to put her sister down and make sure she doesn’t do ice skating. It may well not be, but be sure.

The younger daughter will always feel she is running from behind.
I would be worried if this extends to school and achieving. If the older one does well, the younger one whilst bright may decide she cannot compete.
Nip it in the bud now. And get them to respect each other first and foremost.
I think it would be ridiculous not to let any of the children not pursue an interest because the other one is doing it first.
Let them be a bit free. When they see they are not restricted to interests or one thing doesn’t ‘belong’ to the other they might shine at what they really like to do.