Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

But ice skating is not dd2s passion, it’s just something she’s asked to try. She can take up something else and be passionate about that.

Sorry, but reading this I wonder by what metric your DD was second best? Nothing in what you’ve written suggests at all that she was. Cathedral choristerships are nice but your DD was more advanced on more instruments than your DS. So what made her feel second best?

I see what you mean but I don't think at that age they will think that deeply.
DD1 will just feel like her Mum has listened to her and she will move on and carry on enjoying her hobby. It sounds like DD2 has enough to be getting on with too.

I’m in my late 60’s and I was DD1, everything I did, she joined, and did better than me - my parents didn’t notice and I ended up giving up all the hobbies I loved because I felt pushed out. I mention my age because whilst I now understand some of my behaviours that have resulted from this, it’s still very embed. I do t act out on it now, but I’m aware it’s very deep rooted.

dont let DD2 join everything, leave something for DD1, to enjoy on her own. At least your DD1 has vocalised her feelings, something we never did in our household, you sound like a very aware mum so please do t let DD1 end up like me!

I had exactly this but with a larger age gap. DD and DS 26 months apart. DD gifted musician, won all the local festivals, grade 8 distinction at 12 on her first instrument, grade 8 distinction at 13 on her second instrument, picked up another instrument and taught herself from books, grade 5 distinction in 8 months at 12. DS only played one instrument seriously. Grade 8 distinction at 11. Second instrument, only got to grade 6 by 13 then dropped it. Was a cathedral chorister from 8 to 13. Both went on to a specialist music school (scholarships for both) now they are 35 and 33 respectively. DD all but given up. DS professional player and teacher. DD now admits she gave up because he outshone her. Resented him for many years but has now made peace with what was her decision, made out of resentment and jealousy. She could have had a very satisfactory career and knows it but it's too late now. But it would have been wrong to deny DS his passion just because DD couldn't handle being second best.

Won't DD1 feel just as bad/even worse though knowing that there is still the thought she would be overtaken by her sister? They aren't young children so if her sister is usually allowed to do hobbies and is stopped on this one, they are both going to be able to read into it that the mum felt DD2 would be good at this as well.

I'd say not right now. And maybe just go ice skating with her so she's still allowed to go just not classes just now.

Poor Dd1 - please just let her have her thing!
I've just read some crap further up asking if you would ask school to improve her grades or some such rubbish (stopped reading as too dull) but this def isn't the same. From someone whos brother was far more intelligent, more sociable, more everything, I finally had to move and have space to make my own identity. If she joins it will deepen the divide even more. Good luck x

Will DD2 not become resentful of being held back by her sister? Some suggestions of telling her that this is her sister's hobby and she needs something for herself assumes that she will be mature enough to handle. There is great potential if they fall out for her to say well I wasn't allowed to even try ice skating as mum knows I would do better than you even after all your years of practice.

I am not sure whether OP is going to return but I think the whole hobby situation should be discussed with both girls present.
It sounds like the skating actually takes a long time (commute) so there is also the additional time DD1 might get with a parent if DD2 chooses activities that are local.

It’s not really about whether DD2 might be better than DD1. It’s about making sure DD2 can have a little bit of her own space where comparison just isn’t a thing. That’s really important. I would just say it straight to DD2 - that one’s off the table as a serious hobby because DD1 needs her own space; you can pick anything else, and I am sure you will find things where you want your own space as you get older and I will protect those for you too.

I would really really really not have DD2 join in with the training/more serious hobby stuff. It will cause so much upset for DD1, for you and thus ultimately for DD2. Family harmony and happiness comes all together - it’s not about choosing one daughter over another it’s choosing a path where everyone will be happier.

and kids don’t have a human right to regular skating lessons. This is not like saying she can’t “do sport” or can’t play any instrument or can’t go to a particular school.

Depends how much dd2 really wants to ice skate. Personally if she's already got a lot on I'd be tempted to say no solely on the basis that you can only afford/have a enough time to do x amount of activities and you've paid up for most of them until the end of next term. It might be possible that if you want for a month or two she will have changed her mind again. However if she still really wants to do it and is willing to drop a different hobby to make space for it, I'd give her the opportunity.

At the end of the day, her sister doesn't get to 'own' hobbies! FWIW I'm an eldest child too so would 'naturally' be expected to sympathise with dd1 (and I do), but can't agree with it being at the expense of DD2.

But I haven't said the OP's DD2 should be prevented from skating. I've said that if DD2 joins the skating, DD1 is likely to want to find something else to do by herself - and that this should be facilitated.

My exact words:

"And whether there is a golden child situation or not, it's not unreasonable for siblings to want to do things by themselves. (Which doesn't mean stopping the others from doing something they really want to do, as I acknowledged above - simply that if sibling 2 joins sibling 1's only solo activity, sibling 1 is likely to want to find something else to do by themselves.)"

I respectfully suggest that it's not that I am being too literal, but that you have not read what I have said. Obviously preventing a kid from doing a sport they want to do because a sibling doesn't want them to do it may result in resentment - in the exact same way that allowing it may result in resentment in the other way if the absence of their brother/sister was part of what the first sibling enjoyed about the activity. Which is why I have said, more than once, if DD2 really wants to do the ice skating then DD1 is likely to want to find something else to do by herself...

We were in a similar boat with boys 16 months apart, the younger one finds life very easy. He is academically very bright, a natural sportsman and a social butterfly.

This is a very common pattern. the second DC finds life much easier because the first DC has cleared the way. Parents are usually more knowledgeable & relaxed for a start!

And who's to say that @freddierose 's DD2 sees something her sister is good at, and she's the one being jealous and instigating rivalry? That the rivalry is coming from DD2?

I totally agree with you - it sounds like your DD1 is currently struggling badly with her self esteem. We all know how vulnerable teens and pre-teens can be.

Whereas it sounds like DD2 is pretty robust and happy, and while she might be pissed off at not being allowed to do the new hobby, this won't cause her deep distress in the same way.

Protecting your kids mental health is more important than fairness.

How would your husband feel if DD2 overtakes DD1 archer hobby and DD1 feels even more rubbish about herself, withdrawn and unhappy as a result?

Tell DD2 it's bad luck but DD1 picked the hobby first and that she is allowed to have one special thing she does. Let DD2 pick a hobby that's special to her, and promise you won't allow DD1 to do it even if she asks to. Then that's fair.

And have a word with your husband. Does he show DD1 much compassion generally? If my child was exhibiting the signs your eldest was, this would be my primary concern and I would prioritise this above notions of fairness.

I presented a hypothetical which you seem to be slightly too literal to have grasped.

Either way, it’s reasonable to want to do something by yourself but it’s not reasonable to stop another sibling from doing a mainstream sport like skating. What next - skiing?

Preventing a child from pursuing a sport they enjoy will result in resentment too won’t it?

That’s really spiteful to talk about a little girl like that.

I just feel its a bit unlikely that DD2 is better at every single thing? Surely there are some opportunities to find other things DD1 is good at and praise those?

As far as DD2 doing the activity, most kids dont get to do every single thing they want, is not getting one activity going to be the end of the world if she has several others?

I was not entered into any external academic competitions at school. I don't think this was about "protecting my sister" as much as it was about the fact that I was out of sync with my age group.

I entered - and won - plenty of prizes at university. So, yes, when I was in control of the situation I was able to stretch myself academically.

I have not suggested that my sister was being "protected" from my academic success, she did well academically and this was certainly celebrated. And we were not in the same class, so she had space to develop at her own pace. Unlike in the clubs etc we went to together outside of school. She has never suggested that she resents my academic ability, although she might. I don't resent her sporting ability, or the fact that she is not disabled, or the fact that she is pretty and popular whereas I am Little Miss Awkward - I resent the fact that whenever I found myself an environment to try and make friends my own age she would insist on also joining and I would once again be the kid that was left out.

I'm really not sure of your point? I am simply arguing that it is not unreasonable for siblings to want to do things by themselves, especially if they are close in age. And that preventing them having that space can result in resentment, especially if one child is, or is perceived to be, favoured.

There’s all kinds of academic awards, competitions, prizes, cups etc within school or externally you could be held back from entering to protect your sister.

It sounds like you have two great kids and you need to navigate this period with skill and care to avoid resentment building.It also sounds like you are doing exactly that.
The role model here is Judy Murray. She had two highly skilled tennis sons but she could not support both of their careers. Andy, the youngest, was the more gifted when it came to singles. She had the very hard decision to tell her elder son Jamie that should not fund both of them on the singles circuit. She was already in significant debt to the sport.
She also realised the Jamie had a real chance of winning trophies and much needed prize-money if he pursued a doubles career and she promised him support if he moved into that arena. It was the right call. Both sons became champions and both thrived. They remain close. It could have been v different if she had not used her skills as the CEO of that family to ensure they played to their individual strengths and did not end up competing on the singles circuit. She writes about this well in her autobiography. It might be worth a read.
You must treat both of your girls fairly but you don’t need to treat them exactly the same all the time. Sometimes one will need more than the other and vice-versa. As long as you’re treating them fairly and equally overall, that is enough.
I’d encourage DD2 to take up a different activity and give DD1 something she loves and some breathing space to do it in. Just like I’d encourage them both to play an instrument or learn a language but not the same instrument and not the same language. And at the risk of sounding Pollyanna-ish, my niece once told my daughter at a similar age to your girls that she had worked out and couldn’t be the smartest in the room or the most popular but she could always be the kindest in the room so that was what she planned to be. As it turned out she is smart, popular and kind. But kindness was something she could control and something she became known for. There are plenty of things DD1can excel at if she puts her mind to it that have nothing to do with DD2. Help her find her niche.

It's not fair to DD2, and not nice for DD1 either. They will both figure out what you're doing, and it will make things worse.

It makes me think about "White Boots" by Noel Stretfeild. It's a story of a friendship that is damaged when someone is technically better at ice-skating than their new friend that they meet at the rink.

I'm the younger sib. I never got into Chess because I realised it was my "brother's thing". He realised I outstripped him in most things and became resigned to it.

It's a tough one. It's unfair that DD2 can't ice skate because it's DD1's thing. However, I totally get that it might feel unfair if DD2 does overtake a hobby that DD1 loves. Only you know your DDs well enough to know I suspect. I'd talk to DD2 about how important it is to DD1 and how they tend to overtake things. DD2 might just say they'd like to do it for fun and not competitively. Or they might say it's something they'd really like to do — in which case you just have to encourage them I guess. It's horrible being the second sib and not being encouraged in things.

Re "bowling" - impossible to say as it didn't happen.

Re academics - not sure if even my mother could have removed me from GCSE / A level exam entry so this is not really a helpful question. Other than pull me out of school, how could my mother stop me from achieving academically to allow my sister to shine?!

I appreciate some (most?) families try to treat all kids the same. That was not the case in my family, and still isn't. Sometimes there is a golden child. And often the fact that there is a golden child is evident to everyone except the golden child and/or the favouring parents. And whether there is a golden child situation or not, it's not unreasonable for siblings to want to do things by themselves. (Which doesn't mean stopping the others from doing something they really want to do, as I acknowledged above - simply that if sibling 2 joins sibling 1's only solo activity, sibling 1 is likely to want to find something else to do by themselves.)

Having weekly lessons isn't common at all. For starters, there are few ice skating rinks in the country, and those lucky enough to live near one are far more likely to use them recreationally.

@AnotherNameChangeChange

I wish I had been given the opportunity to have just one thing of my own with kids my own age without my sister. I think that if this had been allowed, we might well not resent each other as adults. Let your oldest child have one thing to themselves. Explain to your youngest child that it is fine and normal for her sister to want to do one thing by herself. And if the youngest one is desperate to do ice skating - as in genuinely desperate, and not just to spite the older one - then help the older one to find something else that she can do by herself.

Highly unlikely that if you’d had say bowling to yourself it would have made any significant difference to your relationship.

And if, because you were more academic, you weren’t allowed to do something to allow her to shine - would you have been likely not to be resentful?