Another party etiquette one…sorry!

Lilypad789 · 2026-07-19T08:58:36+00:00

Not for social media please. Interested to hear what others think really. Child invited over to friend’s house for birthday, not a party as such but 3 friends and the birthday girl. I accepted the invitation over text (almost immediately) the next day another child in the class invited lots of the class to their own party on the same day and the same time (she wouldn’t have knows about the other get together to be fair). Mum of original inviter approached me to ask if my child had been invited to the new party, I replied that they hadn’t. Anyway, she cancelled the little get together and said she’ll rearrange later in the holidays. Her child went to the boy’s party. Two of the three girls (including mine) weren’t invited to the boys party so I thought it was a fairly crappy thing to do really. My OH says he’s not surprised and it’s standard behaviour. I think it’s teaching your kids that it’s okay to let people down and that it’s mean. My child was disappointed which I can manage and is part of life, all of which I explained to her but I did also say to her that I thought that it was poor on the parents’ part and that I wouldn’t never do that. What do you think? Mean?

Moonnstarz · 06/08/2026 12:27

Well I think how you handle this depends on whether you want to continue to disappoint your DD.
Can't you just say it doesn't look like Sarah is doing a party any more but her mum has asked if you want to do a playdate today?

I would look at other friendships too though as it sounds like your DD is quite fixated on this friend and remembering a party (or does she have sen needs?) as mine would not keep asking about this and if I said I don't think it was happening would move on.

Rosegard · 06/08/2026 12:16

OP, absolutely your choice to not facilitate this woman going forward.
It sounds like she suits herself.
Matching her energy and suiting yourself going forward too, sounds very wise.

Original poster

Lilypad789 · 06/08/2026 11:24

A little update. The party didn’t get rearranged and we go on holiday soon so it’s unlikely that my daughter will be going even if it is replanned. My daughter has mentioned it a couple of times and asked if I’ve heard from the Mum. You’ll have to excuse me for finding that a bit sad. Of course I’ve brushed it off and encouraged daughter not to be upset which she hasn’t, we’ve kept busy so it’s been a fleeting thought. Ironically, the Mum has messaged me today desperate for my daughter to play with her daughter because she’s trying to work from home with no mention of the rearranged plans. Also, my daughter is a good choice because we live in an area where there are only a handful of well behaved children in their class, my daughter being one of them. I like to think mine are the way they are because of my values that I’ve instilled and that includes not letting someone down if you get a better offer, it doesn’t just apply to big events, it shows in day to day life as well. She won’t be benefitting from that though like she has in the past (I’ve had her here a few times in the holidays which is what she will be looking for) I’m currently refraining from telling her to message the Mum of the boy whose party she sent her to instead of honouring plans she had already told my child about and then cancelled to see if she can entertain her child for a while. The one that she never plays with at school or outside of school. I don’t care if I sound bitter, I have had time to think about it and I still think it’s selfish and mean. I know from the comments on here that many people just look out for themselves even if it means a child being sad and so I intend to do the same going forward. I’m just one person but some of you might be in for a bit of a shock if more of us start being selfish, you’re probably not even aware of how much you benefit from people that give and always try to do the right thing even when it makes their own life harder.

OP posts:

BettyJoanPerske · 21/07/2026 15:05

mylifeisexams · 21/07/2026 08:40

I agree, it’s a ridiculous overreaction.

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Me three. Just nonsensical. I actually feel bad for OP's daughter and hope that she starts to absorb more of her father's mentality, as it is clearly a lot healthier.

eastegg · 21/07/2026 13:50

Moonnstarz · 21/07/2026 08:25

Ok maybe your kids are different. If mine were simply told that friend was going to change the date of their party then they would just say ok and are we able to still go. They wouldn't huff saying they wouldn't go because they would be disappointed if it was cancelled again, the only way I see kids feeling that upset about it is if mum has made a fuss over it and said it's because the birthday child wants to go to another party, has said to her child isn't that rude, so now her child is taking on the adults feelings about the situation.

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Spot on.

GabriellaFaith · 21/07/2026 13:44

If she's rearranging it I think that's okay. If she's cancelled, then no.

Dontevenlookatme · 21/07/2026 10:35

I think the other mother was probably trying to please everyone, two of the four children had been invited to a proper party and it would have been a shame for them to miss it for a casual play date that she’s promised to rearrange. To be fair she did ask if your DD had been invited to the party so you can see what her thinking was. If your DD had been invited you’d be wrestling with which invitation you should accept. She intended to say you the angst.

I’m with the PP who said don’t overthink it. If you don’t make a big deal of it, your DD won’t either.

nerdalert5 · 21/07/2026 10:27

Very rude and shitty of the parents. They got a better offer and let people down. Unfortunate timing for them but once you’ve committed to something you should do it, might have been different if your dd had also been invited/it had been discussed with you and you all agreed it was the better option. But to cancel because they got a better offer is poor and I probably wouldn’t go to the rescheduled party after that.

eastegg · 21/07/2026 10:09

Just read the first page so far, but no-one seems to have mentioned that one of the other invitees to the small gathering was also invited to the bigger party, as well as the inviter’s child. That’s relevant. By going ahead she would be forcing that child to choose and, by the normal rules of etiquette, to miss the bigger party when the smaller one could be rearranged. OP is suggesting this is a selfish decision for the benefit of her own child, but it was greatly to the benefit of one other child as well.

A valid decision imo.

Brightlittlecanary · 21/07/2026 08:59

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 08:58

That rule is for her, as a result people/teachers/friends know she’s reliable and that her word means something.It serves ger well.You keep digging though. It’s quite fun watching your mental gymnastics.

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Oh for gods sake it’s a kids sleepover.

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 08:58

Brightlittlecanary · 21/07/2026 08:52

Wow. No kid is entitled and you shouldn’t teach your kids that, people move the date of things regularly. This seems a pragmatic approach, the birthday girl gets both, and for me that’s fine, she will find another date and still do the smaller event.

whats happened to people where they become so utterly toxic over very simple pragmatic things, no compromise, just venom.

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That rule is for her, as a result people/teachers/friends know she’s reliable and that her word means something.It serves ger well.You keep digging though. It’s quite fun watching your mental gymnastics.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 21/07/2026 08:57

Lilypad789 · 19/07/2026 13:16

That’s my opinion. My daughter did already say she won’t accept the next invite as it’s too disappointing if it gets cancelled. There won’t be any fallout, they’ve already played together since but I do think it was classless.

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I agree with this. There are always going to be people in life that let us down, and that is completely normal. But how we respond to it is up to us.

It's a hard lesson for children to learn. My DC has a sometime friend, that they love. They get on very well. But Friend is unreliable and fickle. So sometimes Friend is nice and they play well together. But other times Friend switches over to being unkind and a bit of a bully. I've had a chat with DC about not trusting Friend because this has happened quite a few times now. To enjoy the time together if they want, when all is good. But to know that the switch will come at some point.

SJM1988 · 21/07/2026 08:56

Honestly I would do the same if a playdate clashed with a party my DS and another child coming wanted to go to. Its not a big deal to rearrange it. At 8 A child is old enough to decide if they would rather go to someone else's party.
Sometimes things clash and you have to rearrange.

SuddenLull · 21/07/2026 08:54

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 08:49

Would you say the same if OP’s DD was invited and birthday girl wasn’t and she skipped the playdate for the big party?

Nice dig at my parenting/my kid. She stopped giving a shit at age 4 whether she’s invited to things or not. But one thing I made sure she did learn was that if you make a commitment, you keep it.

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It’s a play date, for crying out loud! Not marriage vows or an international peace treaty!

Brightlittlecanary · 21/07/2026 08:52

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 08:49

Would you say the same if OP’s DD was invited and birthday girl wasn’t and she skipped the playdate for the big party?

Nice dig at my parenting/my kid. She stopped giving a shit at age 4 whether she’s invited to things or not. But one thing I made sure she did learn was that if you make a commitment, you keep it.

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Wow. No kid is entitled and you shouldn’t teach your kids that, people move the date of things regularly. This seems a pragmatic approach, the birthday girl gets both, and for me that’s fine, she will find another date and still do the smaller event.

whats happened to people where they become so utterly toxic over very simple pragmatic things, no compromise, just venom.

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 08:49

Moonnstarz · 21/07/2026 08:25

Ok maybe your kids are different. If mine were simply told that friend was going to change the date of their party then they would just say ok and are we able to still go. They wouldn't huff saying they wouldn't go because they would be disappointed if it was cancelled again, the only way I see kids feeling that upset about it is if mum has made a fuss over it and said it's because the birthday child wants to go to another party, has said to her child isn't that rude, so now her child is taking on the adults feelings about the situation.

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Would you say the same if OP’s DD was invited and birthday girl wasn’t and she skipped the playdate for the big party?

Nice dig at my parenting/my kid. She stopped giving a shit at age 4 whether she’s invited to things or not. But one thing I made sure she did learn was that if you make a commitment, you keep it.

SuddenLull · 21/07/2026 08:43

Changingplace · 19/07/2026 10:06

I don’t think it’s that big a deal, the other party is bigger and the mini playdate/party is surely easy to rearrange. I wouldn’t overthink it.

Exactly this. Actual party takes precedence over low-key play date, which can be rescheduled at any point, if the child wasn’t bothered about it being on their actual birthday. You’re just pissed off your child wasn’t invited to the big party, OP. Teach her that not everyone gets invited to everything, and that expecting someone to turn down a party invitation in these circumstances is unreasonable, when everyone involved who is invited can have both.

mylifeisexams · 21/07/2026 08:40

Brightlittlecanary · 21/07/2026 07:15

This isn’t ok op. Yoire not building resilience you’re building spite and over sensitivity,

it is absoltely fine for her to cancel and set up another time as there is a clash with a bigger party, she doesn’t have to hold to the same date.

im appalled this took a ten min convo with your child who now won’t go to the next one as she’s apparently so disappointed, like it was her party,

I agree, it’s a ridiculous overreaction.

BettyJoanPerske · 21/07/2026 08:38

Lilypad789 · 19/07/2026 12:52

I kind of thought people would have mixed views. It seems most people think it’s okay and sensible. I fall in the camp that’s it’s a bit crappy but not nasty so I’m glad some others agree and that I’m not an alien.

I’m (or my child) not worried or upset as some posters have suggested (just a reminder to check your internal misogyny) us women are allowed to ask questions and be mildly annoyed about something without being accused of being too emotional or overeating you know.

Also, some of the people that say they think it’s perfectly normal perhaps haven’t had it happen to them yet. I cancelled an appt we had booked for this play date and it is inconvenient. I didn’t mention it in the post because the Mum isn’t to know that I did that and really I chose to cancel it so that’s on me. However, I retain my opinion that it is actually a bit poor form to cancel something planned for a better offer.

Thanks everyone.

What an absolutely ridiculous post. What 'internalised misogyny'? You are just throwing a strop because you've been told that you're overreacting and that the other mother was not in the wrong.

Mulledjuice · 21/07/2026 08:31

"Mummy can I go to Cressida's party?"
"Well darling you've already invited Belinda and Lettice for tea on that day"
"I know mummy but you said I choose what I do on my birthday and I would like to go to Cressida's party which I have only just found out about"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"

Given the ease with which grown adults are encouraged to drop out of social commitments on this forum I'm surprised the same slack isn't extended to children.

Moonnstarz · 21/07/2026 08:25

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 07:41

Meh, that’s a stroppy 8 yo for you. Quite a mild reaction really to a vague “we’ll rearrange at a later date”.

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Ok maybe your kids are different. If mine were simply told that friend was going to change the date of their party then they would just say ok and are we able to still go. They wouldn't huff saying they wouldn't go because they would be disappointed if it was cancelled again, the only way I see kids feeling that upset about it is if mum has made a fuss over it and said it's because the birthday child wants to go to another party, has said to her child isn't that rude, so now her child is taking on the adults feelings about the situation.

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 07:41

Moonnstarz · 21/07/2026 07:35

Well they kind of are - saying they won't go to the rearranged party as it's too disappointing if it gets cancelled again!

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Meh, that’s a stroppy 8 yo for you. Quite a mild reaction really to a vague “we’ll rearrange at a later date”.

Moonnstarz · 21/07/2026 07:35

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 07:22

It’s shitty behaviour and also not a big deal. Both can be true at once. I don’t know why people are banging on about resilience. You’re not crying in your cornflakes, neither is your DD. It’s ok to be disappointed and recognise shitty behaviour as such though. I doubt most of these posters would be “oh well, never mind” if it happened to them.

Well they kind of are - saying they won't go to the rearranged party as it's too disappointing if it gets cancelled again!

likeitshard · 21/07/2026 07:33

Her cancelling their small get together is fine. Her child may prefer to go to the party, mum may have been worried that no one would come to their gathering as they would attend the other one.

I wouldn’t have gone into detail with dc I’d have just said friend can’t dO x date now so they are going to let us know when they can.

ChalkOutlines · 21/07/2026 07:22

It’s shitty behaviour and also not a big deal. Both can be true at once. I don’t know why people are banging on about resilience. You’re not crying in your cornflakes, neither is your DD. It’s ok to be disappointed and recognise shitty behaviour as such though. I doubt most of these posters would be “oh well, never mind” if it happened to them.