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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to step back from a long friendship without explanation?

62 replies

Bluebottle111 · 18/07/2026 19:57

Name change as this is definitely outing!

Sadly, I think my friendship of 15+ years is ending. WIBU to just cut away, or do I owe her an explanation?

My friend Hannah and I see each other usually once a year and we’ve always had a lot fun. However, for the past 9 years it has been me always traveling with the kids to hers, around 5 hours drive away. I have children, animals and am a single parent. It is just her and her partner, but there have always been excuses as to why she cannot travel to me.

In April this year we agreed to come to her for her birthday in November, something we haven’t done before. Unfortunately this now clashes with a family wedding and as it’s a close relative I will be going to that. In May I phoned my friend to explain and apologise, and suggested we come to see her before the start of school in late August. She said she was very upset and disappointed, but understood and was looking forward to the alternative visit.

A mutual friend got in touch 2 weeks ago to say that Hannah is seriously angry with me about her birthday weekend, and suggested that I stop contacting Hannah for a while. Hannah has been badmouthing me and said that she doesn’t want to hear from me. Screenshots have confirmed that she’s said some awful things about me. Mutual friend doesn’t live near either of us and is not aware- I think- that I am due to be visiting in just over a months’ time. Hannah has said nothing to me about cancelling, despite me updating her over May when I booked animal sitters, accommodation and trains, sending likes as I messaged her with little updates all that time.

I feel blindsided and like a complete mug. Why let me make all this effort if she’s so angry that she doesn’t even want to be in contact by text? Since I’ve stopped messaging I’ve heard nothing back from Hannah.

I won’t be going to see her, obviously, and thankfully am not much out of pocket, but I’m not sure whether to message Hannah and tell her that I won’t be coming, or do I just wait until she gets in touch with me- if she ever does? AIBU to just cut away?

OP posts:
WellConfusedandDazed · 19/07/2026 11:28

Minasama · 18/07/2026 22:43

Why is this mutual friend involving herself? If Hannah has a problem with you she should speak to you herself. You don’t know if what she is saying is true.

Edited

I personally would be grateful for a mutual friend showing me that another is talking so much trash behind my back. The OP had no idea.

WellConfusedandDazed · 19/07/2026 11:24

I would completely ghost her. That you have been so accommodating for years and she has reacted this way to
a change of plans shows how little she cares for you. Why does she deserve an explanation? And all this over missing her birthday weekend?! Is she 8 years old?

ChiefCookandBottlewasher7 · 19/07/2026 11:20

Very few friendships survive disparity in wealth, politics and marital and children/no children status. I think you are fine to withdraw with no explanation. I tis self-explanatory.

Cluelessfirstimer · 19/07/2026 11:14

God she sounds like an all about me one.

Hi Hannah
Sorry wont be able to make the new arranged date. Ive heard you arent happy about me having to move it due to a family wedding.
Sorry you feel that way. Im also sorry to see the things you've said about me and how you really feel.
Take care.

I would just leave it there and let it end. I would 100% tell her the reason why though rather than just let it tail off

Lemonorzo · 19/07/2026 10:27

As I’ve gotten older I’ve lost friends as the whole relationship has centred around me visiting them and never being reciprocated. Even worse when she has no children and you do.

She sounds like she likes drama though, I bet she doesn’t really care but likes making a fuss.

DeeplyUnlikely · 19/07/2026 00:10

It all sounds a bit odd to me. A lengthy friendship which relies on one party making what sounds like a ridiculously complicated annual trip that’s booked so far in advance that last year she suggested you attend her November birthday and you were able to cancel more than six months in advance because of a wedding, and said friendship is now falling apart because one person is being a diva about a birthday party and another friend with suspicious motives has stuck her oar in to stir the pot?

Ohnobackagain · 18/07/2026 23:55

WhisperingHi · 18/07/2026 20:38

I’d be honest.

“Friend, I’m so disappointed to see the messages you’ve sent to mutual friend. I can’t believe you think of me like that after such a long friendship. There’s no going back for me, so I won’t be able to come next month, it’s a shame but I hear you loud and clear. All the best “. Then block.

She must be so incredibly self centred to react like she has.

This @Bluebottle111

liebackoncushion · 18/07/2026 23:55

For me it’s the wider situation, that is you’ve done all the running for 9 years whilst she hasn’t made the effort back and made excuses. I don’t think she would be a big loss as a ‘friend’. I think losing her would save you time, effort and hassle with the travel and I would hope you could make new, better and maybe more local friends.

YourAquaLion · 18/07/2026 23:26

Bluebottle111 · 18/07/2026 22:19

Yes, our mutual friend sent me screenshots when I asked what sort of things Hannah had been saying.

Show quote history

Why not just send her those screen shots with the message WTF? Either she’ll say mutual friend created them using AI and has gone bananas or her secret anger will be revealed. You can’t just take this other friend’s word for it that this is what happened. Hannah has to know. It might not even be true!

ValueofNothing · 18/07/2026 23:05

I always find it a bit strange when adults act like children over their birthdays.

Happyjoe · 18/07/2026 22:54

Sounds like a bit of a one way friendship and no true friend would be annoyed that you're going to miss their b'day because of a wedding.

I don't know the motive behind the mutual friend but either way, perhaps she has done you a favour in the long run. Be careful though with whatever you write or say to the mutual friend because they in turn would probably tell Hannah. Healthiest now is to keep out of it and head held high, you didn't do a thing wrong.

SoftEmberx · 18/07/2026 22:53

I would end the friendship, you are not being unreasonable. Whether you decide to explain why or not is up to you, but I feel that if she hasn’t made the effort for so long and hasn’t made the effort to speak to you about how she’s feeling, then she doesn’t deserve your effort of giving her an explanation x

Whothrewthat · 18/07/2026 22:53

@Bluebottle111 I wouldn’t even get into conversation with her about it. I’d simply message ‘I can’t make our visit next month after all, I’ve had a better offer!’. Enjoy the summer.

Then block. That should give her plenty to moan about and she should realise that something has occurred but she’s not worth discussing it with.

Original poster
Bluebottle111 · 18/07/2026 22:50

EmeraldRoulette · 18/07/2026 22:28

So you were having normal contact with Hannah - and then someone else told you this story?

I know you said there are screenshots, but are you sure they're genuine? Because it sounds like this person contacted you out of the blue to tell you the story.

I'm a bit stunned that you've always been doing the travelling for nine years but the main concern at the moment is to establish whether or not what you've been told by third-party is true.

Good point. So we don’t message very often, we mainly have a catch up call every few weeks. May’s messages, which were not many, were just giving things like train arrival, accommodation address, pet sitter sorted etc. Hannah’s messages had seemed shorter, abrupt even and mainly thumbs up reactions. We both do this sometimes when life is busy, but there were a couple of messages in June where her responses, now I’ve reread them, could be interpreted as quite abrupt. They’re ambiguous and at the time I just assumed she was tired or rushing.

The screenshots are real as they reference something specific I said in one message.

I’m a bit stunned too that I’ve let this just become the norm all this time. I’ve been a fool and a doormat, but no longer. I can see now that this has been unhealthy for a long time, and I’m lucky that my other friendships are genuine and mutual.

OP posts:
Amsylou · 18/07/2026 22:49

OP, for the sake of closure I would explain to Hannah what you’ve been sent. See how Hannah responds and honestly, if she doesn’t apologise, I would cancel and be clear that her behaviour is why (and that you are out of pocket doing so).

TappyGilmore · 18/07/2026 22:48

I am very curious as to why the mutual friend has gone so far out of her way to stir up shit. Sending screenshots? Advising you not to make contact? FFS the screenshots thing sounds like something in Year 7 would do, and “suggesting” that you don’t make contact when it’s not her place to make any kind of suggestion at all.

Of course Hannah’s behaviour is unreasonable but in 9 years if she couldn’t ever visit you, I’d say she has already pulled back from the friendship long ago.

Amsylou · 18/07/2026 22:47

Minasama · 18/07/2026 22:43

Why is this mutual friend involving herself? If Hannah has a problem with you she should speak to you herself. You don’t know if what she is saying is true.

Edited

OP literally has screenshots from her mutual friend showing what Hannah said. I doubt mutual friend involved herself (since Hannah sent the messages), but is just letting OP know. I would hope a friend would do the same in similar circumstances.

JanBlues2026 · 18/07/2026 22:47

If you drop her/cancel then it will cement her view that you have let her down. Leave it to her to cancel.

Minasama · 18/07/2026 22:43

Why is this mutual friend involving herself? If Hannah has a problem with you she should speak to you herself. You don’t know if what she is saying is true.

Livelovelaughfuckoff · 18/07/2026 22:43

I wouldn't go and visit after seeing the screenshots but I would be reluctant to drop your other friend in it without talking to her first.

I suspect "Hannah" is planning to punish you by allowing you to make all the arrangements and then cancelling at the last moment. I would sit tight and not message again. Let her show her hand. If she does message and still expects you to visit I would tell her that you cancelled your arrangements when you heard what she had been saying about you. If she gets in touch to cancel I would just say "no problem sounds like it's best to leave it, take care".

I think you need to decide what outcome you would like. If you don't want to have any further contact then I don't see the point in calling her out on it just move on.

Iloveacurry · 18/07/2026 22:41

You gave her 6 months notice that you couldn’t do the November date, and she threw her toys out of the pram? And she can never visit you? Cancel your visit!

Sparrow7 · 18/07/2026 22:39

What sort of things was she saying about you?

Northernlassie123 · 18/07/2026 22:36

Can’t you ring her and ask her what’s what?

Clearingaspace · 18/07/2026 22:32

I wouldn’t mention the friend and screenshots to Hannah unless you could do so in a pretty vague way and there are a few people who could have told you she was badmouthing you. To be honest you could even say the initial parts of your op were the reason - never coming to see you and overreacting when you were unable to attend due to family wedding.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/07/2026 22:31

Yeah def tell her, I like the suggestion up thread. After 15 years, this is a ridiculous reaction to you canceling months ahead and there would be no going back.