AIBU to step back from a long friendship without explanation?

The other friend passing this to you is shit stirring.

however, I feel that the friendship with Hannah may have run its course. Understandably you’ve chosen to go to the wedding of a close relative and you’ve given her months and months of notice. She should understand.

That will the fact you always have to do all the travel.

I would consider telling her how hurt you are by these messages, explain again why the wedding is more important and how you’ve given her many months notice of that and say that as a result you won’t be visiting next month: Then step back and see what her next move is. That may just solve your problem.

What would you “tell yourself to do?” You dont need anyone’s permission to make a positive change in your life!

Wow. I’d tell her ur no longer meeting her and word has got to you about the nasty things she has said and also that you will always prioritise family wedding over a birthday of a friend, like grow up u get a birthday every year. What is she 5years old!? I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of telling her which person told you, she can work that out herself

Something I learnt recently is this thought :

WHY did Hannah think your mutual friend was a safe place to bitch about you? Why did she not consider the possibility that your mutual friend might put her in her place?

alas, your mutual friend did not.

as for your friend, I think it’s reasonable to bring it up with her and let her explain her frustrations. You could have an adult conversation and lay out your own issues and work on a way of getting through it. Maybe not. But maybe 15 years is worth a try

She has a birthday every year. Presumably the OP’s family member getting married the same day is hoping it will be once-off. Deeply childish to get upset at someone choosing a family wedding, by most reckonings a comparatively bigger deal, over a birthday. It’s not even clear if there’s a party! And that’s leaving out the fact that the OP has made a five-hour trek with children, and using pet sitters, to see BirthdayZilla, annually, for nine years!

I mean you did let her down after saying you'd attend her birthday, it was really important to her and she's just really upset. I don't see how that is unreasonable.

I'd message saying you're sorry for letting her down over the birthday but you'd heard she was very angry about it so maybe she'd prefer it if you don't come in the summer. Be the reasonable one, leave the ball in her court and see what happens.

Just ignoring her is childish.

I thought that too!

She thinks she’s much more important than you; I can’t believe that you’d traipse there with children in tow when she can’t be bothered to ever visit you. Your mutual friend has done you a favour, there’s no reason why a change of plans should cause so much drama.

Hi op just message say hi Hannah I won’t be visiting you as I don’t need friends like you. Don’t even tell her why just leave her to stew. Cheeky self centred bitch.

They are snide sarcastic sorrys...!

3 sorry by op?? The only sorry should be from the nasty backstabbing “friend”

Mutual friend is a shit-stirrer and I would trust her as far as I could throw her. Hope you haven’t told her anything in confidence as she’ll be broadcasting it to the world.

Sometimes we get annoyed, and sometime we vent to (trusted) people, but we get over it once we have had a bit of time. I’ve had the same best mate for 40 odd years, and there have been times when she has really pissed me off, and I’ve offloaded to my sisters.. but those times pass.

Surely she will contact you about coming up to visit nearer the time? If she doesn't, well that's that done then. And if she does your options are ignore her entirely or tell her no and why. But in terms of badmouthing, is it literally just being annoyed you aren't coming up for her birthday? Because I'm not really sure I'd be that annoyed by that. The one-sided visiting would be more annoying unless it was what you both preferred. And it doesn't seem to be.

Yes, if the arrangements are set in stone I would confirm that you’re not coming but very briefly as suggested just saying that unfortunately you can’t make the visit. If she tries to guilt you, I’d say that her lack of reaction led you to assume that she wasn’t keen, that you’re incredibly busy and that visiting her every time just isn’t going to work for you going forward.

If the arrangements weren’t final then I would wait for her and then say that since you hadn’t really heard from her since April you’ve now made other plans and feel
it might be better to give each other a bit of space whilst you deal with competing priorities.

You’re describing your best friend as penniless? Do you say that to her? Jeez

Honestly, a good friendship would be able to work this out. À weak friendship would end.

I mean, given that she’s furious with you and ‘badmouthing’ you I’d consider that she’s already ended the friendship herself. I wouldn’t contact her.

Was Hannah just venting to the mutual friend, who had taken it all too literally?
You could say to H that given what she’s said to MF, would she prefer you didn’t come to visit?

Block and delete her. What a drama queen.

I completely disagree with this. You cant expect your friends to live completely parallel lives - eg you both get married at the exact same time, you both get exactly the same well paying jobs, you both have children at the exact same time etc

It would be absolutely impossible to time those things exactly with each other so unless you are being a bit flexible to each others circumstances, which in my opinion, is what friendship is, you wouldnt have any friends left if you only remained friends with people going through the exact same life circumstances you were at exactly the same time

Yeah this is very odd. Like teenagers.

I don't know i would agree with that, my best friend is childless, unmarried and penniless (whereas i am not) but we still have a good bond!

Mutual friend is a bit of a weirdo, no? Tbh the whole situation sounds quite odd. Sorry you’ve had to go through this. People sure are strange.

Block. Delete. Who needs that x

I think telling her you won't be visiting is reasonable, but I'd hold off telling her why initially. I'd just be curious to see if she asks why. If she doesn't respond, I'd enlighten her.