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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Autism vs trans - clashing views

334 replies

sunshine244 · 18/07/2026 19:52

I'm in a tricky position with my AuDHD 12 year old. There is a trans boy in their class who recently started using a new name and pronouns he/him.

My son is very black and white thinking and very scientific. He is a bit grumpy at having to learn a new name as he struggles when e.g. teachers or family/friends get married and change name. But he has accepted that pretty quickly. But he flat out refuses to use the new pronouns as he says a girl can't just decide to be a boy unless they have surgery (which at this age of course isn't going to happen).

I sympathise with his as personally I don't think social transitioning this young is sensible. But I am also aware that the child's parents are very pushy about the situation and have already posted in the parents group about children bullying by not using the right pronouns/name. They got a lot of support from other parents.

I suppose my aibu is should i be forcing my son to use the child's preferred pronouns?

Yabu - I need to push my son to use preferred he/him pronouns

Yanbu - let child decide which pronouns to use or try to avoid pronouns

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2026 01:05

Stompythedinosaur · 19/07/2026 00:55

I think you should be clear that there are things individuals get to decide for themselves - what name or nickname they want used is one, pronouns is another.

He can hold a private view about trans issues and still use the preferred pronouns.

If nothing else, he is going to cause offence and probably come across badly to peers if he chooses this course of action.

He is being caused offence by being asked to lie. In offence taking top trumps who wins?

Stompythedinosaur · 19/07/2026 00:55

I think you should be clear that there are things individuals get to decide for themselves - what name or nickname they want used is one, pronouns is another.

He can hold a private view about trans issues and still use the preferred pronouns.

If nothing else, he is going to cause offence and probably come across badly to peers if he chooses this course of action.

MyrtleLion · 19/07/2026 00:31

Guidance for schools says to avoid social transitioning children.

This is so difficult and a big subject for your child which proves that schools should not be social transitioning anyone.

This is setting your child up to belong to the be kind cadre which will make it difficult for him to speak the truth. Transgender Trend have great resources

https://www.transgendertrend.com/equality-act-boys-and-girls/

Boys and Girls and the Equality Act - Transgender Trend

Boys and Girls & the Equality Act is a clear guide for schools on supporting all pupils equally, including those who identify as transgender.

https://www.transgendertrend.com/equality-act-boys-and-girls/

Namechangetry · 18/07/2026 20:08

Dunderheided · 18/07/2026 20:01

Try to avoid pronouns. When talking to the child it is “you”.

Your son should be respectful but he’s entitled to his own beliefs, and even if you believe
in transgenderism, at that age it might well be very fluid anyway.

”A girl can’t just decide to be a boy”
is in keeping with the law. But the idea that she can is worthy of respect in a democratic society.

The idea that a girl can change into a boy has never been tested as to whether it is or is not worthy of respect in a democratic society.

OP I would say that any consequences given to your DS for being literal and saying the emperor has got no clothes is disability discrimination.

BoarBrush · 18/07/2026 20:03

He's not wrong.

NightMover · 18/07/2026 20:03

I’d just have him avoid using pronouns.

MyThreeWords · 18/07/2026 20:02

Well no. Of course you can't/shouldn't force him. And it isn't an autistic symptom to feel uncomfortable lying about sex, or to find it difficult to suppress your knowledge of sex when referring to someone.

Though since he has an autism diagnosis, hopefully the school won't be dicks about this

WillThingsEverBeFergaliciousAgain · 18/07/2026 20:02

Just tell your ds not to talk about this child and there will be no pronouns needed. If need be use the child's name. Pronouns are very easily avoided, especially for a random classmate.