Autism vs trans - clashing views

I disagree. It is not a reasonable adjustment at all. Reasonable adjustment does not exist so that disabled people can upset others when it suits them.

in my experience, everyone I know personally who calls themselves trans is also quite obviously autistic, whether or not they have a diagnosis. So if you want to use reasonable adjustment as an excuse to offend someone, it has to work both ways.

Her son is right and not being coercively bullied into participating in a fantasy is perfectly correct, right and respectful.

But attempting to coercively bully people into denying reality to play along with a fantasy is gaslighting and abusive. HTH

He shouldn’t need to use pronouns that often. Does he even much to do with this child? He may not even have to use the new name often either.

How does he even know about surgery to change sexual characteristics at 12 years old?

There are no nuances when it comes to what sex you were born. There are some people who are genuinely transsexual but that space has been co-opted by a much larger group of people who don’t genuinely have gender dysphoria but want to ‘identify’ as some nonsensical thing that we all have to pretend we can see like the Emporer’s new clothes.

And I think what has happened in the case of girls who want to become boys is that usually they are struggling with some other issue which seems easy to fix by being someone else.

Yes i think it is all nonsense personally but i also think people should have the right to be addressed the way they chose

If somone is called Pollyanna and wants to be called Polly or even Anna why is that different for being called she or he even if they are the opposite

Same with Mrs or Ms or Miss isnt it up to the person what they chose?

It’ll be expected by the school if they’ve authorised it and your DS will probably get into trouble for calling them by their dead name.
It’s crazy but adults have been sacked for refusing to do it.

Well he is right, isn’t he? People can’t change sex. We’ve all been brainwashed to believe otherwise but luckily the Supreme Court clarified that, no people can’t change sex.

It's a reasonable adjustment for an autistic child not to be forced to lie.

I get that, my own son is autistic and would have felt the same when he was still at school. However the world is full of contradictions and nuances and people with very rigid and linear thinking just have to learn to accept it and behave accordingly.

But it sounds like the cognitive dissonance is having a negative effect upon him. Basically, he feels like he is being told to lie, whilst doubtless having also been told that lying is wrong.

Your son isn’t wrong but he doesn’t have the right to disrespect and upset people.

Many of us use incorrect pronouns that we’d prefer not to because it is more important to get on with people and avoid distressing them than it is to be right about something that has no effect on us.

I'd agree with him that it's impossible, but to avoid conflict, teach him how to avoid using pronouns entirely, as others have said. Use the new name when referring to the other child.

I don't see why anyone should be forced to play along with this, whether they're autistic or not, and avoiding pronouns seems the path of least resistance that doesn't require compromising your personal beliefs.

Disability (in this case autism and ADHD) is one of the protected characteristics under Equality Act 2010. I'd ask school, very politely, how they make sure his rights are protected in this situation.

Well, your son isn't exactly wrong, is he? You can't change sex. Which for a tiny number of people (those with actual severe gender dysphoria) is a tragedy.

It's horrifyingly disrespectful to demand someone pretends reality doesn't exist because it's your preference. And demanding others participate in your fantasy is abuse.

Your son is doing nothing wrong by offering reality based language instead of wrong sex pronouns, and forcing him to comply with a lie would be gaslighting and abusive.

Referring to them by name is tricky but he can try that, and definitely completely avoid them as much as possible.

If the other child continues to try bully your son by coercion and attempting to inflict their fantasy on him you'll have to take it further.

Help him practice using their name instead. The end. Unless he wants to pick a fight and open the floodgates to classmates calling him by pronouns or names he does not like or consent to.

girl can't just decide to be a boy unless they have surgery

body modification surgery does not alter biological sex

It’s not possible for a boy/man to live as a girl/woman. Or vice versa. In the same way that I cannot live my life as a hippopotamus. Or a donut. It’s nonsensical.

OP, I’m not sure if Forstater covers children at school but I think his belief that sex is immutable is covered by the EA2010.

it is possible for him to live as a girl

She doesn’t believe that, her sensible son doesn’t believe that, why would she say any of these things?

This confused girl is being failed by the adults around her and it’s not the role of other parents like OP to try and coerce their children into supporting a delusion with emotional blackmail.

No absolutely not. No individual gets to coerce others in this fiction.

OP I think you should move this to the board, Feminism: Sex and Gender in the hope of accurate advice.

It is known it is harmful to affirm the way this child’s parents are doing. It would be safer if they were more neutral.

Tell your son that no amount of operations or hormones will change the child’s sex.

He is correct. She is and always will be a girl/woman.
He is right to feel that is wrong to lie. Could he maybe do his best to ignore, avoid etc this girl as much as possible. And if forced to interact/refer to her just stick exclusively to her chose name.
He shouldn’t be required to respect this girls new identity. His knowledge of scientific facts and objective truth deserves respect too.

Tricky. Both protected characteristics ( I think?!).

Does your DS need to engage with them
very much?

Explain to him that while a boy cannot biologically become a girl it is possible for him to live as a girl, wear girls clothes and use a girls’ name.

Explain that opening up about transitioning takes guts and can become confusing. It’s not particularly straightforward. It can cause a lot of upset and arguments.

Explain that using preferred pronouns would make the child happy and they would have a brighter day.

I say this as someone with a trans partner and I’ve had to explain it to children.

I agree individuals can decide for themselves what name they want to be called, but I disagree that they can compel others to use their ‘preferred’ pronouns. Not everyone believes in gender ideology and people who don’t should not be compelled to go along with it.