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Original poster

Autism vs trans - clashing views

334 replies

sunshine244 · 18/07/2026 19:52

I'm in a tricky position with my AuDHD 12 year old. There is a trans boy in their class who recently started using a new name and pronouns he/him.

My son is very black and white thinking and very scientific. He is a bit grumpy at having to learn a new name as he struggles when e.g. teachers or family/friends get married and change name. But he has accepted that pretty quickly. But he flat out refuses to use the new pronouns as he says a girl can't just decide to be a boy unless they have surgery (which at this age of course isn't going to happen).

I sympathise with his as personally I don't think social transitioning this young is sensible. But I am also aware that the child's parents are very pushy about the situation and have already posted in the parents group about children bullying by not using the right pronouns/name. They got a lot of support from other parents.

I suppose my aibu is should i be forcing my son to use the child's preferred pronouns?

Yabu - I need to push my son to use preferred he/him pronouns

Yanbu - let child decide which pronouns to use or try to avoid pronouns

OP posts:
Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 03:55

SpottyPyjama · 19/07/2026 03:48

Nonsense it may be, but it’s no skin off my nose to use people’s preferred names or pronouns. It’s nice to be nice.

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It's horrifyingly disrespectful and quite vile to support the coercive bullying of a child to reject reality, lie and be forced to participate in a fantasy - as you are.

Quite the opposite of nice.

You're entitled to participate in the fantasy as you wish and nobody suggested otherwise.

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 03:52

We all need to be respectful and kind. That means absolutely never colluding in the coercive bullying of any child to attempt to force them to lie, twist reality and accept being gaslit in order to participate in someone else's fantasy.

To return to the OPs question, of course it would be very wrong to disrespectfully confuse, distress and harass your son by forcing him to comply with fantasy participation demands.

Best to attempt to completely avoid these toxic people and only refer to the other child by name when forced to address them at all. The parents will increase the coercion and bullying if they sniff out dissent from the party line and unfortunately, you can't help the child.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 19/07/2026 03:49

The link between pre teens and teens who have a diagnosis of autism and connect to the trans community is huge. The child in question may also have autism.
I would explain it to DS in an age appropriate way.

SpottyPyjama · 19/07/2026 03:48

Palomiino · 19/07/2026 03:46

So then you should be able to also see what a nonsense it is and that it’s also a co-opted space.

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Nonsense it may be, but it’s no skin off my nose to use people’s preferred names or pronouns. It’s nice to be nice.

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 03:47

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Palomiino · 19/07/2026 03:46

SpottyPyjama · 19/07/2026 03:44

Yes, I’ve already said that in my personal experience, every trans person I know is also autistic.

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So then you should be able to also see what a nonsense it is and that it’s also a co-opted space.

SpottyPyjama · 19/07/2026 03:45

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😂 Get over yourself.

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 03:45

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SpottyPyjama · 19/07/2026 03:44

Palomiino · 19/07/2026 03:42

It should give you some context to the whole sorry situation that so many ‘trans’ people are also autistic.

Autistic people struggle to fit in and feel they don’t belong so becoming someone else is a temporary fix.

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Yes, I’ve already said that in my personal experience, every trans person I know is also autistic.

Palomiino · 19/07/2026 03:44

PollyBell · 19/07/2026 03:41

Why because how somone wants to be addressed is saying it is only their business no one elses?

I have been called worse so carry on

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It is indeed coercive to expect someone to lie about what they know to be true and can see with their own eyes.

And no child is trans in the first place.

Palomiino · 19/07/2026 03:42

SpottyPyjama · 19/07/2026 03:23

I disagree. It is not a reasonable adjustment at all. Reasonable adjustment does not exist so that disabled people can upset others when it suits them.

in my experience, everyone I know personally who calls themselves trans is also quite obviously autistic, whether or not they have a diagnosis. So if you want to use reasonable adjustment as an excuse to offend someone, it has to work both ways.

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It should give you some context to the whole sorry situation that so many ‘trans’ people are also autistic.

Autistic people struggle to fit in and feel they don’t belong so becoming someone else is a temporary fix.

PollyBell · 19/07/2026 03:41

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Why because how somone wants to be addressed is saying it is only their business no one elses?

I have been called worse so carry on

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 03:37

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SpottyPyjama · 19/07/2026 03:33

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I don’t know that at all. If anything, you trying to tell me that I know something that I completely disagree with is coercive bullying. But in reality, that would just be more dramatic nonsense.

I don’t like the trans movement or the insistence that people can choose their sex any more than you do tbh, but it’s the way the world is going now and I don’t believe autism is an excuse to upset other people who clearly have their own issues and difficulties with life.

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 03:31

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PollyBell · 19/07/2026 03:29

nocoolnamesleft · 19/07/2026 03:28

But this is not a new person. He has been calling this girl by her name, and is suddenly being told to lie about it.

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If the person was called Roger and suddenly wanted to be called Andrew for whatever bizarre reason that ia up to that person it ia their business no one elses

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 03:29

nocoolnamesleft · 19/07/2026 03:28

But this is not a new person. He has been calling this girl by her name, and is suddenly being told to lie about it.

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Indeed. It's horrifyingly disrespectful, cruel and coercive bullying to try to force a child with a disability to lie and insist they participate in a fantasy.

nocoolnamesleft · 19/07/2026 03:28

PollyBell · 19/07/2026 03:26

It ia none of the ops sons business what others are called that ia for them to decide, if he is introduced to a new person and is told how to address them he needs to follow that

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But this is not a new person. He has been calling this girl by her name, and is suddenly being told to lie about it.

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 03:27

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Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 03:26

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PollyBell · 19/07/2026 03:26

nocoolnamesleft · 19/07/2026 03:24

WHy is it fine for the OP's son to be upset? Does he not matter?

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It ia none of the ops sons business what others are called that ia for them to decide, if he is introduced to a new person and is told how to address them he needs to follow that

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 03:25

nocoolnamesleft · 19/07/2026 03:24

WHy is it fine for the OP's son to be upset? Does he not matter?

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Not just upset, coercively bullied, gaslit and forced into participating in a fantasy.

SpottyPyjama · 19/07/2026 03:25

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 03:18

Her son is right and not being coercively bullied into participating in a fantasy is perfectly correct, right and respectful.

But attempting to coercively bully people into denying reality to play along with a fantasy is gaslighting and abusive. HTH

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There is no ‘coercive bullying going on. Don’t be daft. The OPs son has the perfectly acceptable option of avoiding contact with this person and can choose not to talk about them.

Duckagogo · 19/07/2026 03:25

PollyBell · 19/07/2026 03:14

Yes i think it is all nonsense personally but i also think people should have the right to be addressed the way they chose

If somone is called Pollyanna and wants to be called Polly or even Anna why is that different for being called she or he even if they are the opposite

Same with Mrs or Ms or Miss isnt it up to the person what they chose?

You must, and I mean MUST address me as your Majesty my sovereign Queen at all times. That is my right. I expect you to reply starting with Your Majesty my sovereign Queen. Do not deviate from this. As your sovereign Queen this is my absolute right.

Yes, it's the same.

The child can indeed choose a new name. But they can't choose a new reality or gaslight, bully and coerce another child into pretending reality isn't real, nor do they get to alter language and demand incorrect descriptors of others.

Best thing for OPs son to do is avoid these toxic bullies entirely and when forced only refer to the other child by name, as otherwise they'll escalate the bullying and coercive behaviour.

nocoolnamesleft · 19/07/2026 03:24

SpottyPyjama · 19/07/2026 03:23

I disagree. It is not a reasonable adjustment at all. Reasonable adjustment does not exist so that disabled people can upset others when it suits them.

in my experience, everyone I know personally who calls themselves trans is also quite obviously autistic, whether or not they have a diagnosis. So if you want to use reasonable adjustment as an excuse to offend someone, it has to work both ways.

Show quote history

WHy is it fine for the OP's son to be upset? Does he not matter?

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