I have to ask for permission to live my life while he does what he wants.

Give him the child full time and you have the child when you feel like it.

Do you have any formal arrangements around custody and do you get CMS?

You need to get this business sorted, he's not your friend nor does he give a shit.

Yanbu but you can't build a life for yourself relying on your ex for childcare to create space for your "me" time. Use reliable paid childcare, swapsie-arrangements with other mums, and people who actually love and care for you for that. Work on the assumption that you are responsible for your child 24/7, and will only be elsewhere when you have made firm arrangements with people other than your ex, and on the rare occasions that her dad can be bothered to turn up that will be bonus surprise time, not time you make plans/bookings for in advance.

Some men will use the children as a way of keeping control over their ex after a split. Exactly as you described; you are reliant on him sticking to plans to get a break.

Are you able to have people on standby for when this happens? Maybe drop the toddler to his mums house with a "your son let her down again, he was meant to be having her" ??

My advice is document everything.
Keep records of calls and texts, and record when he drops you in it last minute.

Best of luck. Some men are selfish idiots!!

Have you enquired whether any staff do babysitting?

Its unfair and happens all the time...even when the parents are together. My Dc are older now but when they were younger, DH would just go out whenever he wanted. If I went out, I would always check. It's called being the default parent. It's shit. You can't count on him op and you can't force him to step up. Anyone else you can rely on? Otherwise it's a case of waiting until your DC are older and u have more freedom

Yep. Don't tell him anything and act more like you aren't bothered.

It’s crap and unfortunately something that many single parents have to deal with.

There is not a lot you can do.

The only thing that might help is him having the child on set days eg every other weekend and Tuesdays and Thursdays or something.

If you can come up with a proper schedule and both stick to it, then it will make planning things for yourself so much easier.

Obviously he may choose not to stick to his days but then you don’t change your days.

He's selfish, inconsiderate and a crap father. I'd suggest you stop being so nice to him and call him the deadbeat dad that he is.

How old is your child? Can you find a babysitter, maybe a local teenager or an older female neighbour? Could you take it in turns with a mum friend to have her kids and then her have yours? It's important to try and carve out a little time for yourself if you possibly can. But lots of single mums do have a life, they pick activities with friends with children so you can take your children along. You can have nails done and hair done at home from a mobile practitioner. Try and remain positive - you will have a close and loving relationship with your child and they will remember all the fun times they had with you.

Didn’t you post about this a couple of weeks ago - down to the nail appt issue? What did you do based on the advice you got?

It is really hard, I never relied on my ex for anything, even paid for childcare when it was his contact time as he was so bloody useless, it isn't fair but if you don't rely on him he can't let you down and that does make your life easier.

If he’s not sticking to set times go to court.
Don’t have an ad hoc type schedule, have specific dates and times and stick to them. My exh is a knob but we have set times and if we need to deviate we will let each other know weeks in advance. If you can’t agree and he keeps bailing you need to go to court. Your child’s life isn’t a joke and he is treating it like one. Put a stop to it

Jesus, stories like this (and they seem common) give me the rage. He conceived a child with you and has essentially just walked away.

What is the financial arrangement? Because I would be getting every penny I could out of him. Then use some of that for a babysitter when you need someone reliable.

It sounds really hard for you. No break makes it all seems quite relentless. I think the only way you will get mental peace is by stopping trying to include DC's dad in your life plans. Go out for coffee with your DC and meet a friend if possible. Find an exercise class that includes you both or has childcare. Invite a friend round for a drink and crisps in the evening... It isn't fair at all while he does what he likes but it isn't going to be so I think you need to make peace with that.

You never, ever, tell him you have plans. Every time he doesn't have your child be enthusiastic and tell him how pleased you are that this means you can take then for an extra treat/you're so happy to extra time with them. Reverse phycology can be your friend here if he thinks not having your child causes you distress.
Also, definitely aim for some child care back up for those occasions you really do need to be child free, even if it's just to give you a break to sit and do nothing.

It’s hard I know I’ve dove it and it feels never ending but it does end and it does change and you will manage to carve out a bit of time for yourself. Just maybe not at the moment but you will.

Stop wishing he’d be more considerate and try accept he’s a selfish individual who doesn’t give a shit about spending time with his child. There are thousands of men just like this. My exh was one of them. He had our kids for 5 hours a week and even then left his mother babysitting them during that time. You simply can’t make them care if it’s not in them to do so. Start looking forward without him in your lives and plan accordingly.

Find a reliable and trustworthy babysitter. Consider long term your relationship with your dc will be the most stable one they have . Make sure you are claiming cms.

You say you don’t hate towards each other, but I bet his behaviour is rooted in him wanting to mess up your plans. That’s why he does it, it’s not some kind of forgetfulness.
What is your family/friend support like? Are the times he ‘says’ he’ll look after her, the only childfree time you have? Any potential nursery/childcare times?

Well you need official days when he has the child. You need to be firm on this.

Sadly this is all too common and unless it’s court ordered it isn’t going to change op. Don’t rely on him for anything. Ask family and friends instead then at least you won’t feel let down and depressed when he inevitably lets you down.

Same here
Dc prefers me. Not a surprise really is it. Ex is a sad little man much like yours.

Some people suggest going through the courts to get official time or days organized to spend with each parent.
Is this possible to organize for the future

Ask him why he does not want to spend time with their child ?