To feel upset by MILs message about separation

This is why I wouldn’t ever think of my IL’s as my ‘family’ or second set of parents. When it comes down to it, they could write you off in a second. I keep
a cool and polite distance.

It really hurts to lose people’s that were your family for so long. I’m sorry.

I have seen some families continue to treat their grandkids mums and dads as part of the family still.

Maybe in time she’ll soften towards you, if you and ex stay amicable. You both decided to separate so hopefully she’s just feeling protective of her son rather than angry at you.

That’s a cold message OP.

of course you’d be upset. She could have written that in a way that showed some concern for you, while also of course being supportive to her son.

And the ‘supporting my grand-daughter’ would really piss me off.

My MIL was a total witch, a narcissist who enabled her abusive son. So obviously I didn’t expect much from her when we separated. However, l did my utmost to preserve her relationship with the DC (her only DGC). She made little to no effort, had zero appreciation for her gifts, invites to events & so on, was unreasonably demanding of my DC, and ultimately was horrible to my DD in the same way she had been to me. She died a few months ago, but there had been almost zero relationship with the kids for a long time before, I did with a last pang of guilt arrange a final visit to her for the kids (now teens), given her useless son was incapable of doing much in that regard.

I’ll never understand ILs not maintaining a degree of civility and appropriate distance in these situations. (My own DM went the other way & spent years fawning over my abusive ex when she got a chance. I’ll never forgive that).

You've ended the marriage, OP, and she's upset about that for her son & granddaughter. That's what she's saying. She's not going to offer you any support. You're not entitled to it so there's nothing to say to your DH about it. Just keep your distance for now and wait for the dust to settle.

time

Bit harsh. She clearly had her reasons.

Regardless of ‘fault’ ?

I think her message is fair. It sounds as though it was you who decided you wanted to end things and so you are going to be seen as the cause of the break up. Time is a great healer. It will likely depend on how well you and your ex can co-parent as to whether or not you can have a relationship with her going forward. For now though her son is back in her house and she will rightly be concerned for the impact of the split on him and his/your daughter (her grand daughter). You child will be impacted by this no matter what you do, and I think it is a positive thing she has recognised this. She can't be there for you too at the moment and it's too much for you to expect it.

Sadly when we divorced ils never once contacted me. Exh didn't get contact with the 2 older dc because they had witnessed too much violence. Judge's words.
Ils didn't believe it..
Until years later he tried to punch mil on her own doorstep.

1 of the dc (adult 30) see them but not see their df..
He regales stories they tell him of when he was small and they did xyz..
Haven't ghe heart to tell him they did sweet fa and the tales are about sills dc.
Don't expect anything from them op.

This,
They are also grieving.
A break up of a marriage is an upsetting time for everyone and they just need space.

You didn't lose them, you left them.

YABU

I’m a MIL and I’ve experienced a split between my DS and DIL. I was extremely upset. I got over it though.

She's supporting YOUR daughter??? That's far too possessive, as though she thinks you're not treating your own child very well, but wonderful granny will step in and help this abandoned child. She's got her son back, let her get on with that.

YANBU. That was cold. If she was emotionally intelligent she’d still be able to support her son as well as honouring the relationship you had, and the new circumstances you will continue to have, (as mother to her GC).

People really do let you down sometimes op. I feel for you.

YANBU to be upset at all but both of you have your own narratives of the break up and she’s naturally going to side with her son. I do get it. My eldest’s dad was emotionally and sexually abusive and even though his mum knew how awful he could be her only priority was keeping him close so she could see her granddaughter. He later cut her off and suddenly she was my best friend again 🙄 Understand you feeling let down by her but keep your dignity and keep it about your daughter x

She’s probably very upset as well and she will obviously support her son first then her granddaughter then you eventually if it all ends amicably. Perfectly acceptable response from her imo

I do understand why the message would be irritating (the 'and grandaughter' part) but you have to choose battles and this wouldn't be one for me.

I guess blood is thicker than water, and if your ex has made you out to be the villain then he is pushing her into taking sides.

After 14 years she should know you better but perhaps it will take a little time.

Your response was calm and reasonable. All you can do is rise above any sniping. In the long term, your dd will be proud of you.

Card? Wow.

Hopefully OP realises using her child in any way would be very wrong.

It’s raw. Give her time. She’s going to prioritise her son a gc. Once the dust has settled and a “new normal “ is reached, she might be different.

Don’t use your daughter as a weapon @Havealittlepatienc3 as is suggested here - the main person it’ll hurt is her. I think you’ve got the message YABU so I won’t pile on but be kind to yourself in the next few weeks, it’s a big adjustment

I get it, OP. A line about hoping that you're ok, too, would have been kind.

I don't go in for the "taking sides" approach when relationships end, unless there clearly is an obvious villain.
My ex MIL was still interested in maintaining a relationship with me after her son and I separated and later divorced, and I really appreciated that. I'd have been gutted to lose her friendship along with my marriage. It was an amicable divorce (mostly). My family continued to associate with my exH, too, and my DB was best man at ExH's second wedding. There isn't always a villain when marriages end.

Yep.

Just give her some breathing space it’s all new for them like it is for you. It’ll improve in time hopefully 🤞