To feel upset by MILs message about separation

I think it really depends on what your ex is telling them and how he’s feeling about it all.

If he’s struggling with the decision, then I can see why she wants space to focus on her son. He’ll always be his priority (rightly) and even if you get alone with ex well, he may still be finding it very hard.

Equally he may have asked her to have his back.

Having said that, if he’s comfortable with the split and taking it well, then I would like to think she could support you both. She’s known you for a long time in a family capacity and if you don’t have your own family it’s a shame she’s felt the need to cut you off so quickly.

Very difficult though and perhaps she feels she needs time to process it. She’ll be hurting and feeling worried about your DD too - it’s probably just too soon to expect her to be able to support you as well as her son.

I hope you’re holding up ok - things will get easier.

I agree with you Op. Much nicer to say 'it's a difficult time for all of us but I'm sure we'll get to the other side and try to support each other and grandaughter through the transition'.

Very difficult when one’s living in your house and isn’t the one who ended rh marriage, very difficult indeed.

She’s not suggesting you or her son are not supporting your child. She’s telling you she’s picked a side and it’s not yours. Clearly your ex is upset. It’s still raw and fresh and she would be quite unusual if she was supporting you too. Shes living with that upset and seeing it every day. Shes telling you she’s cutting you lose. Which is hurtful but that’s rhe way it has to be for now.

if my daughter split up with her partner and was living with me, upset, I’d likely do similar. Not engage, as much as I love my daughters partner to bits.

You can support both.

My DD recently broke up with her gf of four years who I adored! She reached out to me and I told her how much i loved her and asked her to think of me as an aunt who would support her and cheer her on but in a few years, after they had had time to settle into not being jn a relationship. This was only fair to my dd. She was very angry but I couldn’t in fairness to my DD maintain such a deep level of intimacy if they were not together.

You sent a lovely message and got a shit reply. She didn’t hold back did she! She is very silly to alienate the mother of her granddaughter. I think she will
live to regret that. Goodness knows what her son has told her, but it probably wasn’t that he can’t perform!

To be honest, I'm not sure what else you expected? Your husband is your MIL's son, her loyalty is going to lay with him.

She's not blaming you, If anything she's letting you know that she can't be your support person, because her priority is her son and granddaughter. She's saying that communication needs to be about her granddaughter and nothing else.

She's not called you and shouted at you. She's not been nasty towards you. She's been factual, honest and polite.

Unfortunately, when you separate from a spouse/partner, you do lose the other person's family, in the process. It goes with the territory, sadly.

Absolutely this.

Give them the time they need please.

There's nothing wrong with that message, you've made the decision to separate from her son and regardless of who's fault it was why are you surprised that she's choosing to support her son?

I can see the ‘support my granddaughter’ remark would upset you, OP. When my (first) DH and I separated, we went to marriage guidance counselling to try to resolve things; despite this, his family basically cut me off — even though divorce wasn’t (for me at least) a foregone conclusion. Looking back though, I do think that however much in-laws might feel like family, they’re not. The reference to your DD was very clumsy and unnecessary but perhaps they’re hurting too…

It's been two weeks. You left her child, presumably your love of her life that she could never envisage leaving. I think that she could have said a few words personable to you but really she couldn't give you what you are looking for.

I can understand her supporting her son. Hopefully your relationship will improve with time.

She's prioritising her DS and DGD. Of course she is your DD but if DS is living with MIL at the moment then she will be very aware on a day to day basis of their upset and emotions. You said also that this is your decision so of course MIL will be upset about that too on behalf of her DS. Of course you are feeling sensitive that is absolutely normal but so is DS and MIL too.

It's going to be upsetting for all of you. Keep things as civil as you can and hopefully you have some friends that can support you too.

It's so new and raw now. She's not only her son's support system, he's literally living with her. It is a bit inappropriate for you to expect to support you too. Give it time and you could establish a new relationship but it's simply too soon.

That sucks.

Unless you and your ex are having serious disagreements there is no reason for her to take sides and cut you off like this. So short-sighted of her, too, to put you at arm's length like this.

My ex MIL and I stayed friends after the divorce.

This must hurt so badly, I'm so sorry for you

I would feel hurt too. She can support him without being so cold towards you.

That’s mils for you. Mine said that she hoped I wouldn’t take dad away from her when me and exdh told her together.

Isnt that a bit sad? It’s like saying you can never been too close to or happy with your partner in case it ends.

Anyway as others have said, it hopefully wont be like this forever.

That’s lovely to hear. I know it’s rare but fair play to you all. That shows such respect and care by everyone involved for everyone else.

Is there a reason why she seems annoyed at you? Did her son not want to separate? Perhaps she didnt mean it in a horrible way just that she needs to focus on them. Sorry op.

The daughter has two parents though and one shouldn't be encouraged to weaponise her or in years to come the daughter might see her mother for what she is.

‘You’re not entitled to it’

Why is it about entitlement? It’s the right, respectful thing to do to express at least concern and care; it doesn’t mean she’ll be calling OP up for chats or anything.

Together from teens. Growing apart over years and no sex for the last two. Then counselling. How much ‘effort’ do you think is enough ? Sometimes you just know something isn’t right and you end it for the good of all.

When my marriage ended, at my instigation, the thought of losing my husbands chaotic, gorgeous, funny and adorable family was almost as heartbreaking as losing him. I loved them all dearly and it hurt massively to have them step back. However, it was only for a while until the dust settled and we got into our roles as co parents rather than husband and wife. Be patient, it might all work out but it’s very early days and she’s a mum who sees her child in pain.
20 years later and I’m as close to my in laws as I ever was when we were together, and my ex husband anD I have a lovely deep friendship which we would not have achieved had we stayed married.