To feel upset by MILs message about separation

I think it's really important for people to realise that your in laws ARE NOT your family. You treat these people as though they are your family. You do their presents and admin and errands and care. You facilitate their relationship with their own child and your child. You treat them as though they are equal to your own family.

On Mumsnet, @Esmeraldathe3rd no-one treats them as if they're equal to their own family! And if anyone suggests that they should, the thread goes wild!

She is not your support mechanism. She will be his mum who will support her son.

The sooner you accept that, regardless of the past will be better for you.

You have no need to communicate with her now, so start making hard decisions and move on and get your support another way.

(Speaking from experience)

Her DIL has left her son. OP made the decision, and he didn't want it. Apart from the lack of sex, she admits that the relationship was generally okay. So no fabrication is needed, but of course DH isn't going to start to talk with his mum about the sex issue, is he?

So yes, the relationship was generally fine, yet OP left the marriage. Now what would Mumsnet think of a man who apparently suddenly, left an otherwise stable marriage (as far as anyone knew)?
So yes, MIL will be sad, angry, and also stressed about suddenly having to house her son, and (for some of the time) her grandchild.

I think it's really important for people to realise that your in laws ARE NOT your family. You treat these people as though they are your family. You do their presents and admin and errands and care. You facilitate their relationship with their own child and your child. You treat them as though they are equal to your own family.

They are not. They are not your family. They are your husband's family and at the end of the day, they will drop you like a sack of shit the first chance they get. Doesn't matter why you're divorcing, you will cease to exist to them as soon as you are no longer in a relationship with your husband.

It absolutely sucks you believed they loved you even a little bit like they love him. They dont. You're their son's wife. While you're giving them what they want you're great, great for him, great for them. But the most most people will ever get it "oh that's a shame, I liked her."

I'm sorry you're upset, it sucks, but yeah losing them is just a part of leaving him.

I'd reccomend anyone not to allow themselves to lose their own family connection in favour of becoming apart of their husbands family, they're not your family, stop doing everything for them, just leave him to it and focus on your own relationships.

Same goes for his friends.

Oh come on!

she instigated the final step. But before that they had a long period of growing apart, she tried to keep sex going (and was rejected), counselling didn’t work.

That is not someone badly hurting anyone. I presume both parties are hurt in varying ways; arguably OP could be more hurt if she’s spent years trying to save the relationship with no effort from H (I am not saying that’s the case but it’s potentially so).

Of course she can be hurt!

Technically, I ended my (abusive) marriage. After years of really awful abuse, I finally found the courage and determination to tell
him to go, and he actually did. Bloody hell, I was hurt though & deservedly so.

from your ex MIL who is possibly trying to come to terms with a major upheaval in her life

It’s not about MIL or her life.

But I can absolutely understand OP’s hurt when she hasn’t done something wrong or mistreated anyone.

She's just left her husband! Or rather has made her husband move out. It might be the right decision, but of course she's badly hurt someone.

She's not really in a position to moan about being 'hurt' right now.

Why should she be furious? It’s not her relationship or life.

I would support my DC of course but this is a marriage breakdown between two people; MIL can be sad for them, upset for her DS but why furious?

Nothing has been done to her, and nothing unreasonable to her DS either. (Unless he has fabricated a story to her.).

I agree,I’ve supported DD who left a long term partner and just turned up on the door step in floods of tears, asking if she could stay. The ins and outs don’t matter, you react as a mum, in the moment, to look after your own. I listened, cuddled her, fed her and got her childhood room ready. I was shaking inside, but did all I could. It’s what decent people do.

You made the decision you couldn't remain in the marriage. Therfore you must have thought of the consequences and what would happen to relationships with his family. You couldnt have expected them to continue as before.
Your are supporting your daughter as presumably is her Dad. However, for his mother she sees her son not living with his daughter and missing that regular contact (presumably daughter is living with you). She has to support him and her grandaughter who has had a massive change in her life at 4.
You are doing your best for your daughter but in her eyes you are also the one who made the decision to ask her son to leave.
Given the circumstances that is a decent message from your ex MIL who is possibly trying to come to terms with a major upheaval in her life.

Why would you assume the person who chose to end it needed help? They made their choice, the other partner has no choice.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff

I get what you are saying. Of course, you were devastated for your DSis, rightly so.

It’s not about ‘needing help’ tho. That message from MIL wasn’t polite & considered, it was harsh & unkind. It could have been phrased so much better.

Also based on what OP has said, this isn’t an out of the blue decision for OP’s H. It’s been coming for years, they tried counselling, there’s been no sex. She might have finally instigated it but he can’t have been blindsided.

Of course MIL may not know this, who knows. But I can absolutely understand OP’s hurt when she hasn’t done something wrong or mistreated anyone.

Of course she can be furious! OP has hurt her son and she's had to take him in!

She will very probably come round, but right now she's angry with her, so why would she want to ask after her?

It's ridiculous to expect MIL to act in some saintly fashion right now.

Id send her a 👍

Then i wouldn't communicate with her at all. She's given you a boundary and id respect that.

You have no need to communicate with her about DD. Communicate with her dad. He is your coparent not exmil.

I think. She's very short sighted. When my brothers split with their exs my mum was clear that the mothers of her grandchildren were always welcome in her home. We've had Xmas dinner with new wife, ex and the child of one brother a few years ago. Also, ex had a small fire and stayed for a week with nephew at my folks. Mum has also hosted birthday parties for the children and their extended families on both sides.

It doesnt need to be like this but id respect the boundary.

My dd came back to live with me after her first serious relationship fell apart.

honestly she was bursting into tears at the drop of a hat and was totally devastated.

it’s really really hard supporting someone in that situation and I can only imagine it’s a lot harder where there is a child involved.

your mil doesn’t know the details of your split and honestly she probably doesn’t want to. But it’s exhausting being there for your child involved this situation and honestly I think she’s been very restrained and polite.

I get that, to an extent. But even if she feels furious, she knows & likes OP, and can add just one additional line to say she hopes OP is also ok.
I’m not saying it’s easy. But it’s not up to MIL to be furious. It’s up to her to do what she can to support her DS without being punitive to her DIL. And frankly, other than her usual role as a DGM, she can stay out of needing to support OP’s DD. She has two parents to do that.

A divorce is between two people when families get involved it gets messy

When my parents divorced my moms family were still polite and kind to him he tidied up her fathers grave one year when no-one else could get there they didn't get along anymore granted but they had manners and respect they were the first to offer condolences when my father passed away you dont just start hating on someone because they are no longer in a relationship with a loved one

But maybe she is angry at OP.

I had a good relationship with BIL. I found him slightly hard work but basically a decent bloke and would remember his birthday, ask after him, enjoy seeing him at Christmas.

Then he left DSis. It was absolutely his right, the relationship was not working for him. But in so doing, he hurt her horribly. She came to stay with us and she couldn't stop crying for days. I felt protective of my sister and angry with him. Looking back, I suppose I considered his reasons for ending it trivial and probably "judged" him for that.

This is not like a parent working between two children who have fallen out. This is a mum who perhaps sees her son badly hurt and feeling his life is just about over.

I didn't give a crap how BIL was doing after they split. He made the decision, he was sitting pretty as far as I was concerned. I was far more worried about my grieving sibling who was at rock bottom.

Time passed and we get over these things, but two weeks in, it's fair enough. Why would you assume the person who chose to end it needed help? They made their choice, the other partner has no choice.

Yabu but I can understand losing the bond with the whole family is really difficult but this is a shit part of the decision you have made. She's not suggested that you've done it to hurt your daughter or anyone. She's just setting that boundary that she only wants contact about your daughter, not about you and she's only there for your daughter and her son, which is fair as ultimately you are no longer family that ended when you left her son. It's shit but it's true.

Well, obviously. You presumably thought about that before you left and decided it was worth it?

Oh for goodness sake. We've reached the punishing the MIL stage already? Just two weeks after her son has had to move in because his wife has left him?

Give the woman a break. Presumably she's not grilling her son about how much or little her had sex with OP. All she knows at this point is that OP made the decision, her son is bereft, and her little grandchild is confused. And of course her home is no longer just hers.

This has come out of nowhere for her,. She's very likely to come round, so she really didn't need to be 'paid back' for a civil short message at this stage.

What a horrible attitude 😬 going into these situations with that kind of aggressive, combative mindset is no good for anyone, least of all the child in the middle.

But if she's currently furious at OP and feels like her actions have hurt her son and granddaughter then cold civility probably feels like quite an act of restraint in itself. Again, I'm not saying she's objectively right to feel like that, I'm saying it's entirely emotionally understandable.

I think just give it time, OP. Just give her the space and time that she has (probably quite rightly) asked for, and I really do think things will improve as you all settle down into a new norm.

YANBU op, that’s how she feels but as the mother of her granddaughter, she should care about you too. But you can remember this in the future when she’s wanting to be involved in stuff.